The day before Christ was born

Currently eating: italian cookies
Currently never listening to again: Christmas music
Currently dreaming of: leading worship

Christmas Eve traditions are complete. Our over-filling dinner of ham and fixings has passed with much groaning and saying "I will never eat again." Singing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus was sung loudly by all the grandkids. I insistently asked them what the three candles on the angel food cake represented, encouraging the spiritual, deep meaning to all the things we do in this family and carrying the tradition of my grandma. After the "Larry, Curly and Moe" jokes subsided, I re-explained the idea of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and that's what the three candles represent. We then attended the Christmas Eve service at church as a whole family just like every year.

We are now sitting around the fire discussing the matters of the day, waiting for Christmas to come. I devistatingly watched my mom fill stockings for the grandkids tonight. Devistating is the word I use to describe this because this is my childhood revealed...this is what they did every Christmas Eve? Ah. I'm old. I remember the days when I would immediately go to bed after service, being told that the earlier you go to sleep, the quicker Santa comes, and in the morning, waking up to stockings full of chapstick, deoderant, gum, and other necessities. This is the first year we don't have stockings. Welcome to adulthood.

There is nothing about adulthood that seems attractive right now. Having to make my own decisions with the fear of owning all the consequences to them, good or bad, makes me sick to my stomach. I mean I do it now, but adulthood is like being released and pushed out of any last comfort that is left at the age of 21. This time next year, I will be done with my exams....classes....backpacks....forever. And my future will be in my hands. Gross. Just gross. Is this real? Take it back. All those times I wished I were older. I take it back. Let me be forever 21.

Ok. So I am frustrated. Because all day today I have thought of things, experienced feelings, that are blog-worthy. But now, I am drawing blanks, or just lacking the umph to continue with taste. So here are the end of my thoughts:

I am thankful for my health. It's indescribable feeling this way. The Lord is faithful.

It's funny the way you are around your family. I've been observing this lately. I am the youngest redhead that looks nothing like her siblings and is the smartest, most driven and musical of the family. Don't worry, this is what they tell me. I am not that conceited. I tend to be the quieter helper around here. That's how I feel anyway. That's all about that.

I am ready to pursue my music. For real.

I have some serious New Year's resolutions this year.....I never do that. But I have some serious make-overing to do in many areas. I am ready for a new Liz with the intent of finding the real Liz somewhere in there.

Well... Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad and most importantly, Happy Birthday, Jesus.

***Fun fact of the day: My dad and I "You tubed" Santana music today in order to find the English translation to his song, "Oye como va." Heard it? This is what it means: "How's it goin? My rythme is good for partying, babe." It repeats that through the whole thing. Dang, Santana, you are clever.

Ramblings of an overcaffeinated redhead.

Currently listening to: Snow Patrol
Current addiction: coffee
Current breakthrough: singing in front of people

I am a passionate person. I am very extreme. If I am craving M&M's, I have to eat the whole bag. If I am going to wash my dishes, I am going to clean my whole room. If I am going to read a book, I am going to finish that book in a day, by golly jeepers. So with this, I go through different fads I guess you could say. Blogging for example. I will probably blog every day during the break. I am just in the mood. I wasn't a month ago. But heck, I am now. So I am going to blog. It's like something hits me and turns on my urge to write so a million people around the world or maybe even none can read my chasing thoughts, my pointless ponderings.

I have been visited by the blog fairy.

Usually the cause for blogging is I go through a phase of reading a lot. Reading always inspires me to write out my thoughts. But I would not categorize myself as a reader. I am not a fan of fiction....I am working on that one. But when I finally find books I like, I devour them and talk about them for weeks. I love it. It makes me feel smart.

I have recently observed that I get this trait from my mom. My mom has put our family through every health kick or diet, depending on whether no-carbs are in or not and what book she is reading that week. At times carbs were bad. Other times, it was the sugar. Organic. No yeast. Name it. Done it.Sometimes the new trend comes from a "gal at work" or something Oprah said.

There was a time when she would drink nothing but Diet Coke. Then at some point in time I blinked and opened my eyes to find that she hated Diet Coke and loves Coke. Now the only thing she drinks is Coke. She even converted to the Pepsi side for awhile. She is back the the classic Coca-Cola now. When mom sits down at the end of the day, she knows that she deserves that Coke and bag of chips. She loves the crunch of those chips. She will savor every crunch of those Kettle cooked Lays without a glimpse of guilt. And I love that.

Mom wants to enjoy her dessert. She will not waste her calories on just any ol' rush of sweetness. She wants her pie homemade, heated up, and with ice cream melted on top. If you are going to go, you go all the way. I also have inherited this way.

I love it when mom gets excited....when she is in her element. It's usually when she is doodling, painting, crafting, creating in any sort of way. Her mind just goes and she is in another world. It's beautiful. Truly beautiful. I hope she allows herself to stay in that place. She deserves that joy all the time.

So I just went on a rant about my mom. And I know that I could continue. After awhile, you realize you know your parents pretty well....right down to every little habit. I want to write a book about my parents. I just decided that as I typed out those words. Alright. Better get started.

Oh wait, I had other thoughts. Wait, no. That should just go in another blog. Ah. Here I go rambling again making the end of this awkward like talks with nursing majors about sex. Of course I've never done that.

Viva.

The F-bomb, hanging bras and Christmas traffic

Currently reading: Cold Tangerines
Currently eating: Apple Jacks w/ Rice Milk
Currently enjoying: catching up with old friends

Today I made the mistake of partaking in the stupidest decision too many people make on the Saturday before Christmas....going to the mall. Ok, I feel everyone must experience this atleast once in their life, but never again. I sat in a long line of cars for 45 minutes and moved maybe 20 feet. Ok, I have no idea if that estimation is even near accurate, but it's the first thing that came to mind. Hope it makes my point. It wasn't until I found myself sandwiched bumper to bumper between a thousand cars filled with caffeinated, stressed out shoppers who imagine they are the only people in a hurry to get out of there, that I realized what I had gotten myself into.

When stuck in traffic, one is able to fit in some much needed people watching time. I saw a few drop the F-bomb. It's funny you just know it when you see it. It's the way their eyes rage and lips curl up when you know that a very vile 4-letter word has just escaped their mouth. I also saw a very nice Volvo with what looked like very normal, friendly people inside. Nothing strange about the scene until I took notice of the white bra hanging from their rear view mirror...........? It was like finding Where's Waldo in his red-striped shirt among Gothic people without glasses, dressed in black. It just didn't fit.

Within this 45 minute traffic experience, I encountered several emotions. This is understandable for anyone, but especially for one who recently finished finals, just wanted to run in to buy a quick pair of jeans which didn't happen because I am in between sizes and insecure about my weight to say the least, and I was late to a coffee date with an old friend. At one point I found myself screaming.....you know I am not joking.....during the hysterical moments. Laughing when it got past the point of sanity. And cussing in my head to the people who I saw pass me, laughing and enjoying themselves with the loved ones in their car, like it was Christmastime or something. There is no worse feeling than wasting 1/3 tank of gas (again, another made up figure) by partaking in a rather materialistic, vein tradition and being seen with all the shop-a-holics that do weird things like wake up at 3 in the morning to shop the day after Thanksgiving and wait in line to return all their gifts at Wal-Mart the day after Christmas. You know, it's just not healthy. And you would think I would catch myself before doing such a thing today, but for some reason it did not cross my mind.

After my adventure, I had coffee with an old friend, actually, a girl I used to disciple in high school. Our interaction reminded me of the deep need for community, to be understood, and the value of the seeds we sow. It was refreshing and encouraging. She is doing amazing considering some unfortunate events in her life. She is positive, determined, and seeing the Lord work throughout the situations in her life. It's wonderful to see that. It really is.

So I am sitting in a quiet home, staring at a Christmas tree covered with old paper wreaths and felt stocking ornaments. My brain is still settling it's thoughts after a rather rough few months. I survived yet another semester in college. It's an accomplishment I hope to make 2 more times. Possibilities for life after college have aggressively charged through my mind. I allow them some time, but place them on hold for awhile in order to enjoy this very moment. To be here. To be present. To not miss it.

Here is the part where I make some witty conclusion to this whole experience. This is where I get insecure of my blogging abilities and throw my hands up to my fellow English major, clever, intelligent bloggers who read a lot. Props to you. I just can't find it in me to sit here another 10 minutes and think about how it would be fitting to end my post.

So....It is what it is.

Saturday Ponderings

Currently listening to: Pandora radio, Missy Higgins station
Currently into: pumpkin pie and working out
Currently feeling: sleepy

I haven't blogged a sufficient amount lately compared to the amount of content that my brain has been processing the past few weeks. There's just so much I have been thinking about lately. And you know, I feel blog inadequate right now to wittingly write out and organize all my thoughts for you. So here's a choppy low-down. To the core.

I have a fear of getting old.
I have a sugar addiction. Really.
I can't get over someone.
I love playing the piano.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life in a year.
Is there really someone out there that is perfect for me? Because I doubt.

And I have been needing the Lord to remind me of the short amount of time we have here. Because a reality check would get me back on board. A reality check would begin a much needed transformation in me.

Enough talking. Off to discovery....

Some life.

Some candy and a tummy-ache

Happy Halloween. My night was spent sitting in the lobby of my dorm watching freshman girls walk out in rather risk-ay costumes. I ate a lot of candy. Did my laundry. Studied. Made sure rukus didn't break out among the youngsters. Happy Halloween.

Things I have pondered lately:

I was very disappointed in my Runts today. They now include pineapple and some mango-type flavor. I do not enjoy either. Darn waste of calories. But I enjoy Kit-Kats, so it's alright.

I have the craziest sense of smell. I am telling you. I have the tendency to guess the brand and flavor of gum being chewed in one's mouth. I am what we call "smell sensitive." If you come near me, I might identify you with a smell. It's become a habit.

What in the world is the deal with Halloween? Is there a rule saying you have to dress like a hoe? Because everyone follows that rule.

I am confident that I have not met the man of my dreams yet. I am just disappointed in my interaction with guys lately. I have not been impressed whatsoever. I need someone that gets me.

I applied this week for a public speaking job, aka a dream job of mine. I can't explain the feeling I had turning that baby in. Accomplishment is the closest I can get. Not too profound, but just applying encourages me that I am still alive and trying at this thing called life. And hey, maybe I will live out a few dreams of mine. I wouldn't mind that at all.

William Jewell announced this week their plan to raise tuition prices 6.4% to $31,000. Awesome. Thanks William Jewell, I needed that. Really. That makes me want to go here even more. So my parents and I have been storming up a plan for me to graduate a semester early. Is it possible? There is a chance it is. Must wait and see. But if I do, I have a lot of mental preparation to do.

It's 12:13 a.m. Happy November.

Let's eat turkey.

Oh baby baby

Currently feeling: Endorphins at work
Currently eating: a lot
Current obsession: today's Fall weather
Current thought: life after college
4 Days in Blue Springs: 2 Starbucks nights, 3 Wal-mart trips, a haircut, a shot in my arm, and the return of the coffee addiction

I just got back from a nice stroll around the block. I feel good. I feel refreshed. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here. I move back to reality tomorrow. Once I hit that campus a flood of thoughts and responsibilities will be waiting to greet me. I will enjoy this while I can.

So I have been thinking about what I want to do after college. It's been a very non-stressful thought which is surprising. I am excited to think about it. I will be excited to move on as well. At the moment I would enjoy moving to a part of the United States with a large Hispanic population and begin work with immigration-related issues. I would love to native English-speakers about the Hispanic culture...the language...the issues; building a bridge between the two.

Along with that, I have had a sudden desire for the married life with red-headed children (wouldn't that be splendid?). It's not that I have never wanted to find an amazing man to start a new life with....it's just that the desire has increased and reality shows that I am of age.....the door is wide open. And kids....oh baby, soccer mom here I come......

I had a dream last night that I had a baby. Maybe that's why I am thinking about it today. Although I am convinced it was the extreme pain of my ovaries screaming at me last night that caused this dream. Maybe the pain was close to labor. I wouldn't doubt it.

Cheers to you soccer mom.

BS

Currently on: Fall Break
Currently reading: Sex God by Rob Bell
Current fad: reading the paper
Current feeling: release
Currently developing: an interest in politics
Currently looking forward to: getting married and having kids

Hello Fall Break. I am enjoying the comfort of my bed in a very middle-school decorated room that I once occupied on a regular basis. The creaks in the floor, the sound of my parents walking down the hall, the smell of mom's food is.....pleasantly familiar.

Blue Springs is not much anymore. I drove around town last night looking for something to do. Guaranteed I always end up at Starbucks drinking coffee and reading/writing. BS is the place of my past......many memories. Although there are some nice developments happening...more strip malls. For strip malls, BS is the place to be.

Today was the perfect Fall day. A perfect Fall day is very rare considering good Fall weather only lasts for a very short time. I wore very fall colors today. Along with my brown glasses and red hair, I blended into the leaves. Call me Autumn. I just said "very" 3 times.

I love Spanish right now. I love loving my major and what I am learning. It's about time I get excited about my education. Now let's move to Mexico.

Lately I have realized about myself:
I am smell-sensitive
I don't enjoy pig meat
I like to control situations...not saying this is good
I love learning
I love the pumpkin Candy Corns
The first thing I notice about my girls friends is a change in their hair and/or weight

Go jump in some leaves.

Coming Back

Currently listening to: John Mayer "Say"
Currently eating: granola
Currently: raining outside
Looking forward to: fall break

I feel majorly blessed by the love and forgiveness that God has given me and shown me through his people. I don't know why people don't just smack me over the head.

I had some much needed conversations this weekend.....reaffirming, redirecting, and reconnecting my relationships. The people in my life are understanding and merciful despite my inconsistent self. I am thankful.

I went to a beautiful and meaningful wedding on Saturday. I had wonderful company and witnessed a God-centered and blessed union of two special people in my life. It renewed hope for my future.

I just made a big batch of granola and oh......it's fabulous.

It's rainy evening which calls for my sweatpants and hoodie. Yey for fall.

I began to look at classes today for next semester and I am struggling with the reality that there are three more semesters left of my college career. Wow ok. I just got here yesterday.

May I end with the fact that I am listening AND enjoying a song right now about "Bleeding Love."

Social Butterfly

Currently feeling: tired
Currently going: to a Homecoming bonfire
Wearing: pink

My life feels like a movie right now.

Life seems so fragile and magnified in this William Jewell bubble. Everyone knows everyone. You can't ignore any problem here; it's always brought to the surface. Because it's such a small school, relationships are everything. And high-maintenence might I add.

I just don't know how to handle people sometimes. I feel like this week I have lacked a patience that is required for my current circumstances. I find different relationships thriving week to week. It's a roller coaster, and I get off wind-blown. It's too much sometimes.

What makes relationships so unique is the vulnerability one feels in exposing one's heart to an other. Fear of rejection. Judgement. Sometimes it's like that....luckily there are times it's not. But tonight I feel like I am dealing with some of the former. I need to heal---in more ways than one.

Right now is a moment where I am completely indifferent. I don't know what I want to do...listen to.....who I want to be around.......

I am socially: worn-out.

This too shall pass.

Where I'm at

Currently listening to: the new Phil Wickham c.d.
Eating: granola
Feeling: refreshed

Lately I have observed in my life the importance of:

good health
self-control
communication
questioning
worshipping
love.

I feel satisfied right now. And for once, satisfied with not knowing. Satisfied with continuing the search for answers. I just had some amazing conversations with fascinating people that stimulated so much thought in me about God, life, the body, truth. It's not black and white. The truth might be black and white, but we all see different colors. And in trying to make sense of what we call "God," we try to convince the other that He's purple when they see green. Who's right? Is there a right answer? Or are we all just clueless?

The ladder is all I find to be true.

God is bigger than all of this down here. All of this crap; injustice, sickness, hipocrisy, religion, confusion. What we view as truth is so little to the vastness of its pure form. We are clueless humans who are trying to get through life. If only we would notice Him. If only we would stop pointing fingers and looking around and recognize His presence.

Recognize His greatness.

Sometimes I wonder if it's possible for the Body of Christ to get along. It seems like a mess. It's overwhelming. But God loves the church. God wants us to fight for the church. Don't we have the responsibility to atleast try? To believe for the best?

Right now I will insert my cliche comment for the day: "Can't we all just get along?"
Ok I feel better.

Life is gorgeous. To be able to engage in conversation that challenges my beliefs, stimulates my intellect, and inspires my heart, is the most healthy thing I can do for myself right now. And I know there are those who have not been liberated or educated enough to face such thoughts; who remain ignorant, some by choice, others not knowing.

I've gone through crap. I understand sickness. Bad relationships. Family problems. Depression. Hurt by the church. I've questioned politics and religion. And I know that my faith is more real now. My ideas, more clear. My perspective, larger. My joy, more complete. I've recognized the importance of thinking for oneself, for questioning, for listening. And I have been liberated from conformity. Religion. Judgement. Ignorance. Condemnation.

And I love this destination.

Because I am free.

Abba Father

I don't know that I have ever been at this place before.

I am weak. Dependent. I have never been so paralyzed...staring at the world moving around me. My body doesn't listen to me. My body doesn't do what it's supposed to do. I don't think I've had a trial this tough, this long. When it's over, will there be anything left?

There is this constant sorrow in me. Being sick. No one can see it on the outside. No one knows if I am having a bad day. It's all inside of me. Never ending. And I am....out of control. It's out of my hands. It's out of my reach. Circumstances seem to be spiraling on their own. I am left. Broken. I want it to stop. I don't want to be sick anymore.

Is this what taking up your cross meant? If so, I am willing. It is just hurting.

Questions have been racing through my mind: Should I take this semester off? Is it healthy for me to be here with the stress of school? What do I want to do with my life? When will I have an answer to this thorn in my side?

It's a lot. It is. And I admit my short-comings and my brokeness. And among my complaining, I know I am right where God wants me. I just feel like a baby-absolutely helpless. In need of a Savior- a daddy.

So tonight I cry, "Abba Father. Not my will, but Yours, Oh God."

"Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!" John 12:27-28

Back

Currently Listening: Mark Mathis,, Gasoline Heart
Currently Eating: Dairy-free chocolate chips
Currently: procrastinating

Liz, welcome back to college! These are the things you will encounter:

Lack of sleep
An obsession of sleep when you have the time to do so
Too much reading
Pressure to figure out your life
Professors that speak 100 mph in Spanish
Several emotions that will drive you nuts

Alright. I am back, writing you from my dorm room, procrastinating. My goal was to get my Spanish homework done before dinner. But I felt the urge to blog. When this happens, one must respect the urge.

I am enjoying being back here. There are so many things I love here...the amazing people.....and well, that's all I can think of right now. There's more probably. My brain just isn't caring much about this point. I am glad to be back. There. Now to random.....

The other day, after getting back from class and lunch, I realized something while looking in the mirror. I had put two very different earrings on. These were two very distinct, large, dangly, sparkly earrings. Very different. I love laughing at myself.

My good friend Alyssa just got engaged......whoa......and asked me to be her maid of honor.....double whoa.

Everyone needs to stop getting married.
This is weird.
We're old.

Speaking of, a month til my 21st birthday.

Today I had another thought looking in the mirror, following a conversation with my best friend about why we don't date. I looked at my outfit....a little loud and creative.....and I thought, you mean I have been dressing weird for all the years thinking I'm cute and no one has told me how ridiculous I look!? So THIS is why I have no boys in my vida (life).

But then my friend said I was cute. So I was fine.

I am going to do Spanish homework now, aka devote my life to studying like a maniac with no life.

I will survive.

Summer endings

Currently listening to: Snow Patrol
Currently reading: Sex God by Rob Bell
Currently dreaming about: seeing my friends again
Current realization: This summer I am white.

I don't know what else to do with myself at the moment, so of course, blog!

Summer is rapidly coming to an end. I have two more days left and then I am heading back to the hill where my life begins again. I have had what seems to be a break from reality; 3 months of recooperating. I am dying to be social again. I am ready to get back to being myself. Just thinking about life back at Jewell and picking up objects and placing them into my suitcase brings such a relief to my soul. Seriously, you have no idea. Everyone has their college experiences--some love it and some don't. I am in love with this time in my life. Infact, I don't want to graduate.

Today I played in the street. My feet have a strip of black lingering on the calloused bottom. My feet have gotten out of control this summer. I am afraid to take them to a pedicure place. Surely there are boundaries to foot funk that can be tolerated or something. I will be left sitting and wondering why the asian lady ran out of the building screaming for life.

I played piano with mom today. She dusted off her flute. She hasn't touched that flute in the longest time. And I haven't been the best about spending my time expressing on the piano. So it was good for the both of us. It's something I capture in my mind so I will always remember. We used to play together when I lived on that piano bench. Refreshing.

Today's activities also included a much needed trip to Wal-Mart where my debit card got cleaned up a little bit. I realized there were a lot of things needed for my life at school.....a lot of cooking/cleaning stuff....stuff that I don't really know anything about. And I was without my mom, so I made executive decisions on things like sauce pans, perring knives, and strainers: the cheapest wins. Still, add the cheapest of everything, you still get a hefty Wal-Mart spending headache afterwards. Yet...accomplishment. Liz feels like an adult.

And it's scary.

I also watched my niece trace cursive on her homework worksheet. Today was her first day of school. I remember that feeling......new clothes, the sound of the school bus brakes, the return of an early bedtime, and cookies and milk when I got home on the first day.

It makes me want to go put on my backpack.

Do you realize there are the people that are always too cool for backpacks that actually go on your back? What is up with the side strap students?

Too cool for school is what I think.

I have this hidden fear of my laptop crashing and losing my life, I mean, all my pictures, music, and school work. So I (I mean my dad) got a 8 gb flash drive to save it all on. Whew, I feel better.

Now listening to: Waterdeep

Alright bloggers, goodnight. Adventures await us.

Never the Same

My recent thoughts have been consumed with words like: "Gluten-free," "buckwheat," "arrowroot," and "millet," and I have found myself reading cookbooks about cooking with allergies. I am educated. I am informed. Ask me any question.

Today marks my tenth day without Gluten (wheat, flour, aka everything). I am on my way to good health and learning much on the way:

In honor of my 21st birthday in a few months, I cannot drink beer. It is made of barley, Gluten. So in doing my research, I have found Redbridge, the only Gluten-free beer. I CAN have tequila, wine, and hard liquor. Whoa.

I cannot cheat. For kicks, I sampled a corner of a strawberry Pop-Tart last night. Not even 10 minutes later, I had myself a headache, stomachache, and felt like my body was going to all apart. Darn it.

I don't lose weight. It's glued on.

Along with this elimination let's not forget the other ingredients I cannot consume:

Dairy
Eggs
Soy
Corn

This presents a beautiful frustration when preparing for college in a week. How, oh how in the world, am I going to survive without my mom? How am I going to be a college student while avoiding coffee, desserts, beer, and (insert junk food name here)? Somehow I will manage. I know that. And in all honesty, I know this is insane, I have been okay. Self-control has kicked in and my taste-buds have changed so much that I am adapting to this new flavor, Gluten-free.

I remember the kids in school....the special ones that got the special snacks. The kid who couldn't eat sugar. The one who had to drink soy milk, gross. And the kid who couldn't eat the cookies. I always looked at Lactose-intoleranters and thought, "I would DIE if I couldn't eat ice cream."

I AM THAT KID.

Lord have mercy, my life will never be the same.

This is going to be fun..... *laughs*

Beautiful Surrender

Currently Listening: Jason Upton
Currently Reading: The Shack, Colossians
Currently Eating: Gluten-Free Food
Currently Feeling: Loved

If anything, this summer has stripped all pride away from my identity. I have been humbled: by people, by circumstance, by God showing Himself faithful despite my doubt. And for this I am so thankful. There is nothing left of me. I have nothing to prove to you. I am not stupid enough to continue being something I am not. I am stripped and broken; naked and cleaned. Right before God.

It's beautiful.

Surrender has loosened my chains.

Love has brought warmth and light.

Peace has calmed my storm.

And "in him all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17).

I am seeking hard after that truth. My heart is running forward with wreckless abandon. My past has no grip on me. My future needs no worry to be complete. I live and breathe in His consuming passion...to grap hold of the prize. To finish the race.

And run it to win it.

A Rich Life

I am in a wonderful moment where things seem to be lined up. Some spiritual. Some utterly materialistic. Let me explain.

Today I dropped the most worthy $100 at Gap Outlet. My once a year, tax-free wardrobe. Another satisfied customer.

I dread first impressions. You may not think that a loud person would be self-concious in social settings as these, but I hate them. The whole time you are talking to me I am thinking about how obnoxious and overly friendly I have been. I seriously have to tone myself down in exciting, new situations, because I am afraid my presence is too overwhelming for the other party. You could imagine the worry that went into meeting my freshman roommate. Lord have mercy that's a funny one. The reason I bring this up is also to state that first impressions are 99.9% wrong in my life. And at the moment I am convicted of some judgements I have made on a particular person that was put in my path and later really blessed me. We are all learning, aren't we.

What is with being in the sun and feeling absolutely alive? The invigorating feeling of sun, sweating, and freckles. The smell of sunscreen. It makes me really happy.

Right now I have a satisfied stomach. Not hungry, not bloaded or full. Why can't I eat like this all the time?

I have the perfect music for the moment. This is right. Just right.

I have found an engaging book. I would like to read it all today just to show you how much I like it. This is monumental because I have been searching from genre to genre, trying to find one that I can pick up and actually finish.

Velvet Elvis, I am a firm believer.

Yesterday I visited one of my favorite places on Earth: Grand River Chapel at William Jewell. I was there with one of my favorite people, playing on my favorite piano. It was the happiest I had been in a very long time. I laughed a lot. From my belly. Pure joy.

I am realizing the beauty and vibrance of life, freedom, faith, and relationships. Somehow they all play together to create a unique experience I get to have on this Earth. Today I breathe deep. I take the color in. I feel the warmth of the sun. I experience the love of people. The grace of God.

I recognize the presence of a God, that has been there since the beginning.

I can finally see Him.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I am free at last.

A New Card!

Currently listening to: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Soundtrack

Today I went to the public library here in Blue Springs for the first time in ages. My library card was too outdated to check out. I wondered if the yellow-stain look was the manifestation of age. So I got a new card. It looks really nice. They even have one I can hook onto my keychain.

My mom makes journals and cards. She's quite the craftswoman. Well it's back-t0-school time and Office Depot is having a sale on the composition books that she transforms into works of art. Instead of $1.00, they are 30 cents. So right now I am staring at a pile of *counting....* 65 composition books laying on the table. You can only buy 5 at a time. So we have been taking family trips to Office Depot, each standing in line with arms full of composition books. It's a revolution.

I have been enjoying this Redbox movie thing. I am sure you will agree. Although tonight I made a wrong choice. It's one of those things that you will admit later that you knew it would be an awful movie......it was called "Martian Child" for goodness sakes. And it was just that, a movie about a kid that thought he was from Mars. The plot kind of sounds cute until you realize he goes the whole flippin movie thinking that until literally the last 5 minutes. Whoever recommended that movie to me is on drugs. That's my movie review.

I made an observation tonight. I enjoy strawberry licorice. The normal kind. I also enjoy the cherry bite size kind. But I DO NOT enjoy the cherry in the long version. It's gross. So how can I like the same food in a different shape/size? It's rocket science.

Summer's finally here

Current music: Colbie Caillat


I have been really sick lately, stuck in bed. Today I got a sudden burst of summer/energy/spontaneity. What triggered this, I believe, is the BLT's that mom made for dinner. I enjoyed some iced tea with it. All I was missing was some juicy watermelon. Then it would have been the perfect summer meal. Do you have one of those meals? Like a good ol' backyard BBQ with potato salad, hot dogs, corn-on-the-cob, etc, that just makes you feel summer in your bones. Well today was one of those.

So following the meal I called up a few friends to pull a spontaneous drive around the lake nearby. No response. So I gathered my country CD and rocked it to the lake. Unfortunately, I couldn't do the windows down because of the 147% humidity or whatever it is here. I landed at my favorite spot at the lake which I vow never to go alone because of the isolate area. But I needed fresh air, alone time, and spontaneity quick so I toughed up and went.

This particular area is a dock where all the sail boats are stored. It's one of the very few places in Blue Springs that I have found that can make you feel like you are not actually in Blue Springs. Wonderful.

So after I dripped my face off, I enjoyed a good phone call with a very good friend of mine. Don't you love it when you are thinking about calling someone and at that very moment that person calls you first? Again, wonderful. This person is a dear friend of mine and I never cease to be a better Liz when I am finished talking with him.

I concluded the evening with watching "Designstar" with my mom. Now I don't normally enjoy television in the slightest bit. But the show was very intriguing. I forget how much I like watching HGTV. Lord have mercy that was awful to type. I will not read it over again for I might blush and delete.

It was also one of those days where I laughed a lot. Feels good.

Ha.

TMI (Too much information) Yes! let's be transparent.

It has been an interesting night. One of those that I am pissed. Have absolutely no reason to be.

Let me give justification a shot:

1. I forgot a friend's birthday and am frantically trying to be creative with her gift. It's not working.

2. My computer is not cooperating. I tell it to do one thing, it does another.

3. I cannot find music on my iTunes that fits my mood.

4. I went to Wal-Mart and bought $40 of items that are unecessary to my everyday life. I am depressed with buyer's remorse.

-None of these reasons are convincing-

5. Well lastly, and most importantly, (I can't believe I am writing this) PMS.

Bingo.
ThE eND.

I guess things could be worse.

So long Mountains

Currently listening to: Rosie Thomas, Much Farther to Go
Chewing: Juicy Fruit Gum

I am writing to you from home; good ol' Blue Springs won me back. I arrived home yesterday from Colorado in order to somehow get this sick body to a manageable level of health. Ever since I have been out there, I have been fighting to keep my body at homeostasis. The past few days I have not been able to jump back. I surrendered and came home. Lord have mercy, not this again. I go in tomorrow for bloodwork. Hopefully the activities of the week do not include the hospital. I don't want to do that again.


So my life for awhile is going to consist of reflecting on my Colorado experience. I sincerely miss the people, the mountains, and the unique opportunity I had there.

Bittersweet.

My life will also consist of sharing my questions with you all. It's not uncommon to ask, "Why?" in a situaton like this. But as I look around, the question rings louder and louder in order to put to rest this curiousity and doubt. I have wrestled with the idea of sickness, healing, and the Bible. I have seen inconsistency between my body and the word of God. Where is my strong faith in such a desperate situation? I am not as strong as I thought I once was. Then when I take my eyes off of myself, I look around and see so much suffering; sickness. No worries, my anger has already subsided. But my heart still seeks answers. Peace. When will my curiousity be quenched?







In this battle my character grows. My faith stretches. My heart rides on the cycle of brokenness....where only at the cross I am found.

Waiting

Current mood: discontent
Listening to: Mat Kearney
Currently doing: chewing gum
Thinking about: home
Wanting to talk to: Molly

I am just interesting right now. It's been a month here in the mountains. And today I am wondering when it's going to feel right.....feel clear......start making sense of why I am out here. I am not really sure what the "theme" or growth God has in store. I have been getting sick over and over again. I thought this was over. This leaves me with a lot of uncertainty and a great need of faith. I am enjoying it. But I find myself caught in thought of all the other things I would rather me doing right now....like getting tan......driving a car......eating food that doesn't make me sick.....being with my family.......relaxing and not working.

Spiritually I am not where I thought I'd be. You'd figure God would be popping out of everywhere here in the high altitude; closer to the sky. But just like in good ol' Missouri, you must seek Him in order to find Him. I have just found myself lazy and in need of discipline...in more areas than one. When am I going to begin pressing in?

Maybe it's an experience that you appreciate after it's over. Maybe I will look back and see all the growth and evidence of God molding me. Maybe I will look back and see all the great relationships that developed.

A lot of my friends are in relationships....getting engaged......etc. I feel surrounded. This has never given me a sense of insecurity, but I think I have been caught doubting in this area. Surely. Surely it will come.

After writing some of this I realize that all I really need is a great conversation with a friend. A lot going through my mind.

I might go do that. I am not feeling creative to write.

In the meantime....miss you.

Love.

In high altitude, take a breath.

For the next few months I will be residing 9,000 feet up in the rocky mountains on a mountain called Horn Peak. The sun is strong, the air pure, oxygen limited. It's rocky. Watch out when you walk, it's easy to sprain your ankle. I have my first sunburn and scratched-covered arms and legs from being a handy Colorado woman. I have been building campfires, making benches out of the cut down trees, moving brush. I have converted to Chaco's, t-shirt and jeans, and a bulky watch on my wrist, along with a burned peice of rope for a bracelet. I am Colorado. It's beatiful. It's free. It's simple.

Life is simple.

I have enjoyed not checking my E-mail 10 times a day. Limited communication has been refreshing. Although today curiousity began to stir in wondering what is going on beyond this mountain. Life here has settled and I have begun to think about my friends at home and wanting to make a connection again. So I thought I would take some time to invest in some decent blog updating, Facebook checking, junk E-mail deleting, etc. I don't miss the world. The pine trees, singing birds, and extreme lack of humidity is glorious. God just seems closer in the mountains.

So today I led worship for the first time, a big dream of mine. Yesterday was full of doubt and fear. Today I woke up confident in my Lord and the purpose that He has placed in my life. It went beautifully. I laughed. Smiled. Sang my heart out. Had fun.

Today I hiked up a mountain and ran through a rushing creek barefoot. It was cold. So much that my screams resembled that of a woman in labor. It hurt. But the spontaneity felt good.

In contacting my parents today via telephone, I mentioned to them the idea that I would love to live here.....

Life could be taking a turn.....

Expecting the Unexpected

Currently setting the mood with: Elizabethtown Soundtrack

The more I live, the more adventure I find. I am learning to be ok with not knowing where my next step will lead me. Or why it's there?

"My bags are packed" I guess you could say and "I am leaving on a jet plane" very soon. A day. I have commited a summer to the high mountains of Colorado where I will bask in the glory of God's creation. I will meet new people and experience a time of simple living. Of serving. Of purely loving. And I am excited, particularly because I don't know what's going to happen. i am ready to learn what God has to teach me.

I write this blog simply to take a deep breath....

*BREATH*

And proclaim that I am ready for my next......

Some wild rice

It's 9:00 p.m. and I am thinking about going to bed. So I thought I would take this rare occasion to capture the current state of mind of the Lizinator (thanks Becca). Because considering it's 9:00 p.m. on a nice summer night, there has to be something weird going on inside of me. I will investigate this with you.

Today I felt like a mom. I wanted exercise + to be outside = let's go for a walk. By myself. This part is fine. But at a glance I think my new haircut can look like a mom in her thirties...the short flippy-ish hair. And I didn't have an iPod to look like I was on a serious venture for burnt calories. I just went on a casual spin. But I don't like my neighborhood. Do you know how many teenagers drove by me? It reminded me of high school and I suddenly realized that I was pissed, not enjoying my rejuvenating movement. I thought, "Oh my goodness, these kids I graduated with are going to think I am an overweight drop-out walking around the neighborhood while they speed off with their evening plans." While on my walk, I also reminded myself of the fact that I do not want to be old. Or overweight. Neither one of those look good on women. But by the mothers I saw on my walk, it's the way things fall into place? Figuratively speaking of course.

I then came home and sat on the couch with my parents. They read the paper. I read a book. Please stop being jealous of my rambunctious party life.

So my new favorite food is the sweet potato.

I read 90 pages in a book today. Tim Keel's Intuitive Leadership. I never read books. But I think the book caught me in a contemplative, receptive, studious mindset. Lucky thing.

God's been really good to me lately. I had the chance of being diagnosed with sickness, but God spared me. I am taking this second chance at health to conquer and rock at it. And in the midst of some crappy circumstances, I have been in tune with God more clearly than ever before. I guess you could say I am pretty sold out on the guy.

Here's to an early night.

Hidden Veins.

My thoughts right now are as follows:

The doctor is putting me on steroids. How should I react to this? I just read a book where the guy taking it for the same reasons had hallucinations.....next time you see me I might look like Hulk Hogan.

Hospitals are awkward. There's nothing pleasant about a gown, moaning patients in the room next to yours, having hidden veins so the nurse has to poke you 45 times, hospital food, nurses that don't speak English, having to drink foreign liquids so that your intestines can glow for the x-ray. Everyone in the Emergency room suffers from "pitty eye syndrome." I have made this diagnosis. Everyone that comes in is convinced they are dying. They come in with an exaggerated limp or groan. They want to convince the nurse at the front desk that they are the one that needs the most urgent care. The patients all sit there, moping in their problems, staring at each other, figuring out what everyone else is there for, giving them the "pity eye," that he or she is far more in danger than the other. And the verdict is announced when the nurse comes to collect a patient. Since the ER goes in order of emergency, the boy with the gushing blood running from his forehead gets to go before the girl with the soar throat. Who knew.

The poor nurses that tried to insert my IV must have hated me. Because I have the worst IV veins ever. I am convinced that upon arrival at the hospital, they get scared and bury themselves as far away from my skin as possible. And they shrink to the size of thread so that they have to bring in 4 different people to try to do it. In the end, I get a few blown out veins and a bruise.

I have spent enough time in the hospital this weekend to make the funniest observations. I should write a book.

In the midst of a very frustrating situation, I am learning to take joy. I know that the Lord has His hand upon me and will continue to provide all my needs according to His riches and glory.

He has never broken his promises. And I know He won't this time.

Like a Machine

I am a machine.

Let me explain....

I have been franticly writing application, typing papers, studying subjects that I have devoted four years of my life to. I haven't stopped. I sit here, eyes glued to the laptop, earphones in, iTunes pumpin, and only move to charge the battery on my laptop because it's been 4 hours.

This is my break: blogging, graham crackers, and Daphne Loves Derby. Yes! Saturday night!

Yesterday I decided to spend my summer in Westcliffe, Colorado, on top of a mountain. I will be a "programmer." Important sounding. Well I am excited. It was a spontaneous but peace-felt decision. Ok I leave for Honduras 2 days after schools over. 3 days after that, I leave for Colorado. I will get back and come back to school a week later. Rock on. I'm livin' it.

If you care, now I am eating chocolate chips and enjoying the music of Kelly Clarkson.

And I am tired. I might be going crazy. This is what college does to you.

My hand just got stuck in the bag of chocolate chips.

On the floor

Straight up. There's a lot we don't understand.

the death of unborn babies
suicide
anorexia
depression
poverty
pain
suffering

I find myself confused, frustrated, moved by the hurt I see. I cry and weep for the unfair circumstances. I feel determined yet helpless at the great need that lies around me. And for so long, for such a time, I was blind to it. I didn't care. I hid my eyes from the despair. And for those who still find themselves gazing into only the reflection of their ignorance and selfishness, my heart....hurts.

Open our eyes.

And when I am alone, filling the floor with my tears, hearing my heart moved with compassion and mercy, I realize that it's His love that is working in me. This need I see....this pain I feel....this love I feel for them....it's His love that is manifesting in me. Maybe I understand His love. Maybe, after time and time again, living in my selfishness, I have stopped and finally....received His love. Here I am. I get it.

Love.

In it....I find peace. And in it I overflow.

Endorphins

What is it about endorphins? What makes going for a run or kissing a boy so refreshing? I know when I am stressed I can do either one of those things and be great. (The boy thing-KIDDING.)

Tonight I found myself indifferent. Nothing, absolutely nothing, sounded good. No food (well I did get a sudden craving for Mexican....), person, or place felt right. I wanted to go out but was too exhausted. I wanted to hang out in the dorm but all I can think about here is the homework I should be doing right now. It's like a restless night of sleep; I just can't get comfortable. I roamed around a little bit....found myself in the cafeteria eating beans and rice and then in the chapel releasing my soul on the piano. Then I watched a movie. Notting Hill to be exact. This was a successful decision. Then I went for a run, aka enjoyed my endorphin rush. Now I am engaging in some major procrastination telling you about my most uneventful Friday night.

2 weeks of classes + finals until summer. All I want to do is lay by a pool and gain my summer freckles. I miss them. Well what I really want is to do NOTHING. College life is insane. Wait, let me rephrase, William Jewell college life is insane. I don't know what it is....whether it's the unhealthily high GPA's shoved in your face or the massive amount of homework the Spanish department gives you, or the screaming residents on your hall the night before. College life here is like 10 years of life and things to do jammed into a 4 year period. I am halfway done.

I have never been to New York. But right now, I think I am in the mood for New York.

That reminds me of one of my favorite songs:

"Live in New York City once but leave before it makes you hard. Live in northern California once but leave before it makes you soft." -Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen

I am going to sit here listening to Brett Dennon and staring at a Spanish paper over immigration while soaking up the number of released endorphins rushing through my body. I feel better. I have written this blog, and I feel better.

Night.

The Sound of White

Forgive me for the long lapse in blogs. I know you have been wondering about me. Excuse me while I tweak my iTunes to play a song of my choice....

Internal Dialogue:
"What fits the mood? Not Hanson...or Josh Groban....or John Mayer....no Brett Dennen for the moment. Got it! Jessica Andrews, oldschool, 'Helplessely, Hopelessly.' Good tune. Set."

My latest:

-4 weeks until I am completed with my second year of college. I am pretty numbed by it.
-We put my dog to sleep last week. RIP Emma Rose.
-Am currently figuring out my life, aka where I will work this summer, and what country I want to live for 4 months of my life (study abroad).
-Am leaving for Honduras in 30 days and have my whole trip paid for.
-Bought a new phone today.
-Am going to a formal tonight, downtown, with my beautiful friends. DANCE DANCE.

Now listening to: Stupid Boy by Keith Urban

My randomness:

-I want to cut my hair like a boy.
-Feel like living in a big city right now.
-Want coffee.
-Rather be in a make believe world where things happen the way you want them.

Referring to the comment above, I have realized that I, along with probably the rest of human kind, have created a world in my head for myself; the way I wish things would happen. Infact, it looks very similar to a movie: you run off with your first love, away from expectations and realities, away from consequences and opinions, in freedom, perfection, happily ever after. So I sit and think, do I stop this nonsense; dreaming? What do you do when your heart and head speak two different languages and fail to communicate?

.they leave you with the sound of white.

Chicago by Meg Allison
The Sound of White by Missy Higgins


Keep on keepin' on.

Beautiful

A different me.

Looking in the mirror, I see a different person than I saw in August. New experiences and friendships, different ideas and beliefs. I have been shaken, I have been refined. I have been shown a world that had been so restricted before. And for once, I feel free. I feel alive.

You know, there hasn't been a significant event that has brought me here. It is because of the teamwork of so many experiences and people and the grace of God that I can smile in the midst of such uncertainty; it's beautiful. It's like everything knew exactly what do to in order to make such a product like me. It's truly divine.

Where do I go from here?

I am ok with not knowing.

2 arms and 2 legs still

Many lessons can be learned stranded in the Florida Everglades for 15 days with your life stored away in a canoe and faced with the stench of 11 other people who just like you, have been shower free and growing mildew on every part of clothing and body part.

I am back. Whole.

I have found myself laughing at the most unlikely moments, both during my experience and reflecting on it. For instance, laughter was my reaction to the knee-high mud that we trucked through one steaming afternoon, “examining the wildlife that exists within the bottom of the ocean.” We could only discover these creatures at the point of low tide, in which we plowed into the mud, only to find it very similar to the feeling of quick sand. As I said, much laughter followed.

Awkward laughter existed the first time I had to hang my rear over the side of the canoe to pee, while holding onto dear life, that I would not fall into the creature filled water below.

Nervous laughter thrived in the discovery of our home for one evening: a shark-filled cove where little sharks liked to bump into the sides of our canoes.

Delirious laughter came on the tenth day when I could no longer smell my stench and the reality of what I was doing started to bring insanity. As we crossed the Gulf of Mexico on day ten, I said to my fellow teammates: “I am going to roll off this canoe, but don’t save me. I am going to drift away to Cuba, meet my husband, and raise 11 kids.”

I was gone.

I canoed 90+ miles, pooped in a bucket named “Juan,” ate more tortillas than what seems humanly possible, slept on boarded canoes, and learned what my body really smells like under pressure.I enjoyed roughly two pairs of clothes, endured sun-burned hands, handled hair that hadn’t experienced any form of soap for 14 days, and didn’t hear a cell phone ring, let alone any form of contact with the world.

I will proudly categorize all of the above as “fun.” Not your normal kind of fun, but a challenging and insightful experience. I enjoyed the people and scenery that surrounded me. You haven’t seen the stars until you’ve seen them in the Florida Everglades. You can’t say you have gone camping until you have camped like this.

I am now: cultured.

It will take awhile. Take awhile to be comfortable with the feeling of cleanliness and technology; for my back to adjust to a soft mattress. A part of me is reluctant to conform back to the ways of society. Everything was simple on that canoe.

And possibly I will find a way to keep that here, to not let go of the simplicity.

It will be hard, but I will fight for it.