I don't know that I have ever been at this place before.
I am weak. Dependent. I have never been so paralyzed...staring at the world moving around me. My body doesn't listen to me. My body doesn't do what it's supposed to do. I don't think I've had a trial this tough, this long. When it's over, will there be anything left?
There is this constant sorrow in me. Being sick. No one can see it on the outside. No one knows if I am having a bad day. It's all inside of me. Never ending. And I am....out of control. It's out of my hands. It's out of my reach. Circumstances seem to be spiraling on their own. I am left. Broken. I want it to stop. I don't want to be sick anymore.
Is this what taking up your cross meant? If so, I am willing. It is just hurting.
Questions have been racing through my mind: Should I take this semester off? Is it healthy for me to be here with the stress of school? What do I want to do with my life? When will I have an answer to this thorn in my side?
It's a lot. It is. And I admit my short-comings and my brokeness. And among my complaining, I know I am right where God wants me. I just feel like a baby-absolutely helpless. In need of a Savior- a daddy.
So tonight I cry, "Abba Father. Not my will, but Yours, Oh God."
"Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!" John 12:27-28
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