Friday, October 23, 2009

Feel like a coffee house inside

Currently listening to: Rob Pattinson
Current musical discovery: The Postal Service (don't say I told you so)
Current mood: musical and my insides feel warm

I have hesitated to blog lately. It could be the idea that I want to spare my vulnerability. It almost feels affair-like when I engross myself so much into these things. This doesn't reflect the time I spend on my posts (15 minute max) but rather the deep emotion I tend to spend connecting with this expression. Donald Miller talks about this in his new book. Writers can spend so much time creating worlds and stories on paper that they lose the ability to live it. This is not the case with me. But at this point in time I want to be sharing these stories in person, face-to-face, coexisting with you and allowing real experiences to busy my life rather than investing face time with my laptop. Ah...balance. It is all about balance, isn't it.

I have also passed up many blogging moods because every post could be titled the same thing: "Liz is sentimental and reflective about her changing life because she is graduating in 0.2 seconds and wants to tell you about it." How annoying. It's in one of my conversations atleast every day. I know one can't ignore these kind of changes and the ways it oozes in and out of your daily happenings, but come on, it's like a girl that refers to her boyfriend in every story. I know that is annoying.

I am beginning to look forward to post-graduation with gladness, hopefulness. When things start to fall into place at this point I get giddy. The word I use right now for the way I feel is thrilled. I am very very excited. More to come.

The question of the day was how often do you cry. When asked this, someone said once a month, another said a few times a year.....and me?

I said 3 times a week. I mean really.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Seeing it as beautiful

Currently listening to: The Postal Service
Currently learning how to: eat grapefruits
Currently feeling: endorphins

I just went on a long, late night walk with a friend. Don't you love those? I feel good.

Life is pretty raw right now. There's nothing fake or imaginary about it. Nothing easy about it either. It's going incredibly fast and hard decisions await me. Those of you who know me well understand that I hate making decisions, let along ones that really matter.

I am healthily learning what is good for me and what is not. This goes beyond eating vegetables and exercise. This is about relationships. About lifestyles. About my choices. I am feeling a little more confident and a little more sure. These are good things to be feeling as I anticipate my future.

I am serious when I say that I don't know who I would be without the circumstances and relationships that have evolved during my time at Jewell. 50 years from now I will be telling my grandchild that college was the best time of my life. I will tell her that the people I met meant the world to me. The education enlightened me. The struggle refined me. I was privileged to have such an experience with such quality individuals. I will be able to say hey, I knew them. They are making a difference in the world, and I was able to eat dinner with them every day or have late night talks or dance parties with. They talked me through a break-up or listened to me complain about my Spanish teacher. They listened to me laugh...loud. They watched me dance by myself in the middle of an empty room. They appreciated my piano playing. They let me borrow hair clips and gave me nursing advice. They wrote me notes because they know I appreciate them and most importantly, they pointed me towards Christ and gave me grace to doubt when I wasn't sure that was where I wanted to go. These will be my stories. There will be plenty. And you know, people will probably get sick of them. But that's ok. And hey, maybe the stories will make it in a book someday.

My goodness, this all is just beautiful.

Monday, October 12, 2009

It's blog time

Currently listening to: Honey Honey
Currently eating: anything and everything. vanilla ice cream at the moment.
Currently feeling: sweat on my forehead from a kickin dance party

It's after midnight. Get ready. It's. Blog. Time.

It's so fun to be here at this time. Yesterday is no longer here. Today has just started. The hall is quiet. Things just become calm. Perhaps I deem this hour sacred because I don't see it much with my eyes open. I have a lot lately though. I have come to appreciate this hour, because it means I am spending as much possible time with the special people here. 2 months is the countdown. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. Don't feel sorry for me. I just need to talk about it.

My care free attitude over the past few weeks has me nervous. Of course it shouldn't. It's way healthy. But it makes you think some deadline is going to pop up in front of you, blindside you and knock you on the floor. I am laughing a little more, making dance parties happen, and looking into people's eyes a little more often. It's beautiful.

But for some reason tonight I could eat everything and not feel full. And choices are limited when you are stuck in a dorm. They range from putting peanut butter on rice cakes or peanut butter straight from the knife. I got sick of that so I went and stole ice cream out of the public freezer downstairs and hoarded it to my room. They won't know.

New music favorites: Alexi Murdoch, Keri Noble, Honey Honey

Thursday, October 8, 2009

(Fill in the blank)

Currently listening to: Damien Rice. I can't stop.
Currently drinking: hot tea
Currently seeking: wisdom

I figured I owed you a blog. I have been waiting for the right time to sit and type. The perfect time hasn't come, but this will do.

Life is moving at an unbelievable rate; a speed at which I am found extremely uncomfortable and unprepared. It's at moments like last night that I sit and Grand River Chapel and stare at the stained glass window ahead....locking my eyes into the intricate designs and colors......that the life that I have been running around frantically in comes swirling down onto my chest, thumping me hard and waking me up. And I experience silence. Stillness. Tears. All of a sudden I see what it's about, I see reality. I see what life is really about and the way I have been missing it. I see the condition of my heart and my need for a savior. I see my real fears and my deepest insecurities.

There's nothing perfect or flawless about life. It's full of humans with ugly hearts, seeking happiness and love from anyone and everything. We desire acceptance and we yearn for understanding. We lean on others who can't hold us up and we keep thinking that we can figure out a way to live a life where we call the shots. We lie to ourselves over and over again, patching up ours wounds and worsening the ones on others.

It's a heck of a time paving my way through life right now. I realize my hearts vulnerable and that scares the crap out of me. I realize I really do know nothing, and that nothing holds without the love of Christ. Perhaps this is a good place to be. Humbleness. My self deserves no credit or worldly satisfaction. My soul is yearning to escape the oppression around me. It's screaming for truth. And it's aware that my eyes do not see reality. My soul keeps me looking forward.... forward to the day where my faith shall be my eyes.

What a glorious day.