Friday, November 27, 2009
Currently digesting: Thanksgiving dinner and leftovers
Currently into: stretching
Today’s Thanksgiving. I ate a lot of turkey, took a lot of pictures, ate leftovers of the turkey and watched some football. I am somehow encouraged. How this happened particularly, I am not quite sure. But from the combination of family interactions, naps, movies watched, conversation and reflecting on what’s important on a day like Thanksgiving, I have found some reassurance of who I am and who I want to be. Ah, finding revelations in the little things. You can always count on me to find some spiritual relevance in a movie or sentimental point to a situation. Come on though, this is why I blog.
Today I found the belief that I can be absolutely loved, cared for, appreciated and pursued by someone of the male species. It’s lame, but it’s through little scenes in a movie (“Mall Cop,” oh my gosh I can’t believe I just admitted that) or seeing myself react to a conversation a certain way that I find glimpses of hope and that I am perfectly content with where God has my love life. It’s when I hear friends talk about their desire to have kids (I mean, really?) and yearning for a relationship that I have found myself pretty content and focused recently (not saying I will enjoy those things when they come….the kids thing could wait). This is also to say I change day by day, but you know this so I will shut up about that. It’s just that like every other part of my life, I see how God prepares and equips us for the various seasons of our lives, and I see him doing it for me right now and it just so happens that right now my heart is taking it easy, letting go of the distractions that I so easily place in front of me regarding boys and my feelings. I am feeling secure and in tact for DC. Wow, as I say that I wait for you to laugh because as you go through my posts you see that this feeling changes. Think about this with me though. Perhaps my emotions over the past few months and the inner part of me are different. Maybe I feel at peace, security and confidence about where I am. It’s just that I struggle with fear, doubt and crying a lot (Oh my, we watched the movie “Up” too. That’s an emotional movie). But those aren’t to say I don’t have faith. Faith I do have.
So I stretched tonight, along with flossing my teeth….two habits of which I hope to keep. If it takes 30 days to break a habit, how long does it take to start one? More endorphins, healthy muscles, less plaque. That’s what I am going for.
Currently thinking about: going to sleep at 7:00 p.m.
Current city: Moberly, Missouri
I think the best thing to do right now is write. Typing away these letters seems to be my only option of expression at the time, giving me a technology fix and a way of communication which a girl like me enjoys from time to time. I am a few miles out of town, in a place where WIFI does not reside. I keep working to get on the neighbors’ wireless connections, but everyone has their security codes in action so people like me can’t hack off their system I guess. My connection to the world has been shut off. I sheepishly admit that I feel naked and insecure without being able to pull up Google and check my E-mail 10 times a day. So I guess this kind of technology abandonment is a good thing. And hey, you get a premeditated blog written on Microsoft Word with spell check rather than a spur of the moment post. Positive sides to everything, eh?
I feel like people expect you to feel a certain way when you graduate college. I think they think you should feel a certain way leaving to go to a really cool place. I don’t know that they even know what I should feel, but everyone knows whatever “it” is, it should feel significant. So when I don’t feel anything in particular, what an annoying disappointment. I talk through future plans with people like a robot. It’s not that I am not feeling excited, it’s that I have a thousand other emotions fighting for attention at the same time. So I freeze. In fear, I freeze. It’s like I am talking about it with my head, anxiously waiting for the rest of my senses to catch up.
Do you ever have moments where you see how much your parents have aged? It happens when you look at old pictures and see your dad 30 lbs lighter and with dark brown hair parted on the side instead of grey speckled hair and a receding hairline or you realize your mom didn’t stay age 40 all of these years or it’s when your parents can receive senior citizen benefits at Golden Corral (I don’t actually know if this is true). It’s when you think about how your parents have spent 36 years together and your grandparents married over 50 years. These days I value the wisdom, appreciate the commitment and am found astonished at such longevity in some human beings.
With the kind of stuff I read in health magazines, it doesn’t look like my body is going to see much on the side of longevity, and if so, it’s because of drugs that keep my body artificially functioning and age-defying shots to my face to cover the reality of all this. With the way we treat our bodies, they are already ruined. Our generation is going to be leathered skin, addicted, obese, impersonal and the worst of communicators, always plugged in to some form of the newest technology. We won’t believe in marriage because we couldn’t imagine being with only one person for all those years and commitment and loyalty will vanish from our vocabulary. Debt will be our middle name because we can’t say no and we want it right now.
It’s like if I just sit here quiet for a moment I can hear my body dying. I can feel it as my joints start stiffening, my varicose veins arise, my chest starts sagging, the fat on my legs starts curdling and I look to those in their mid 40’s right now and think, wow, is that really going to be me? It’s obvious that I have self control problems. I can’t stop from eating whatever form of sugar is in front of me. The problem with this is that while people in other countries die from not having any food at all, we die because we have too much and can’t control ourselves with it. We love to indulge and I hate that. I know about health, about risks, about good habits that I don’t have. I’ve read about the statistics and I’ve experienced little victories with temporarily developed healthy habits myself. What I can’t understand though is why I can’t stay in control. Sometimes I blame this on my extreme personality. I will either go one way or the other. There’s no balanced life here, it’s one extreme or it’s the complete opposite. Or maybe it’s not this, but this mediocrity that I am living that is driving me nuts. Who knows.
I find that the ultimate idea behind it is that we are completely mortal. How sucky….how real. Our bodies are dying and we are all stuck finding ways to hang onto them as long as we can. Yeah, it’s depressing for most of us to look in the mirror naked when we get ready in the morning, but heck, it happens to the best of us, right? My value as a woman is inside of me, not on the outside (praise God). I have to remember this…every single morning when I get up. And I thank God that I am an overanalyzing and over reflecting individual where I can ponder on these things and not an artificial and materialistic-minded person overlooking it. Because I think I can go somewhere with this mindset. I think I can use this as momentum for a richer experience here, knowing my focus is on a Hope elsewhere.
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day….so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen in temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Currently drinking: water
Currently taking: long prayer walks in the cold
You never know what you are going to get.
When you ask me, I might tell you I am excited about this "next chapter in my life." I might be thrilled of the "great opportunities" that await me. Or I might be scared out of my mind of what is going to happen. I may be sad when you say hi to me because you made me realize I am going to miss seeing you too much.
Be careful when you find me. You might get a "ooooooohhhhh girl" in the dorm, a "wasuuuuuup" if you are on the baseball team or some version of a weird noise if I don't know what to say to you or how to express my thought. And really, you might be the sucker who catches me at the brink of crying because I have developed the habit of being able to break down in tears at absolutely any moment.
This is the truth of the moment.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time." Ecclesiastes 3:11
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Currently feeling: fisty
Current favorite lyric: You are the only faithful one
Sitting down to blog is like hitting the jackpot. This is exactly what I feel like doing right now. And I feel like I have so many things to say and I uniquely feel like saying exactly what I mean. Here's a disclaimer for mispelled words. There were a few I questioned but don't feel like Dictionary.com-ing them. Cuz I do what I want. Experience the rawness.
Some inner fisty red-head thing came out tonight. I saw something rise up in me, a youthful voice to a bunch of old people. I saw a confidence in me, a yearning to be heard. It wasn't as profound as it sounds, it just felt like it to me. Conclusion: I never want to be in the corporate scene. It's cold, ugly and impersonal. Will money ever have less value in this world than it does now (figuratively, not literally)? I am overwhelmed with purpose tonight. Through a frustrating few moments, I feel a little more centered and determined to be what is really inside me.
I am also feeling socially overwhelmed. I know these nights are coming. It's an inevitable arrival of an ever-so-extra-extravert. If you want to see this extravert at her peek and her breaking point, see me stop for 20 conversations in the cafeteria. Overwhelming (I am using that word a lot tonight) to say the least. It's nothing I've never felt before. I have reached my giving out max from the last few weeks. I peeked at a project deadline. I have lacked any sufficient sleep or relaxing mornings in bed. This is the place one comes to. You lock the door, turn down the lights, turn on the therepeutic tunes (Enter the Worship Circle tonight), and you write. You write until you hit your core, then you find your beautiful brokenness. When the reality hits, you cry and this gives you a sense of release. Then you lay your head down to sleep a good sleep. You wake up the next day reflected and renewed. It's rather beautiful and a cycle I have come to appreciate because it's where I find center in my life. It's more than just a physically tired break down, but a psychological analysis of my life and where it's headed. Of my needs. My ugliness. My beauty. My desires and my realities. It's a reminder of God's faithful character in an unfaithful world. Ah, my Hope.
People just want to be understood. I want to be understood. I have told you this before, but it's been seen true in my relationships recently. It's awful to find that I hold unrealistic expectations for people to understand me. When I find that there are very few that do this, I get frustrated. But really, is there really any faithful one here on earth? No one but the Lord. That's my conclusion as of right now and I think where I stand at this point. There is no one like Him and when am I ever going to stop looking.
Logistically and more light-heartedly, preparations are being made to spend Winter/Spring in Washington, D.C. I have of course already beeing brainstorming what a blog will look like in that situation. A new season, a new blog? Thinking.
I have officially checked out of the schoolwork area of school. Big research deadline has been survived....5 weeks isn't enough to keep me intent. I seem to be checking out and doing it quickly.
That's it for my post. Thanks.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Currently making: decisions
Currently into: my somewhat long fingernails
So here are some memorable moments with some pretty memorable people.
I also had my first newspaper article published in the college paper today. This is a perfect way to celebrate my 100th blog post. With some late night calories (see above), wonderful people in my life and a debut article for the world to see. Although, to be honest, they won't appreciate me the way you all do. You have been with me since the beginning. So cheers....to you! My blog readers.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Currently digesting: a Sunday sundae
Currently feeling: cynical
I find it extremely difficult to live in such a broken world. There is a chance to get hurt at any moment. This idea terrifies me. I don't know how to live without the fear of getting screwed in the long run. I guess when things begin to cycle in your life a certain way, you hesitate to even give it another shot. Because every time I try, the result is the same. The feelings are there. The hurt remains.
I serve Jesus who restores me. I know this. I trust this. It's at times like these that I understand even more fully that He really is the only one in whom I can hope. But I find myself believing in people too much. Hoping they will be the one that finally understands me. Wrong again. Thanks for the reminder.
The feeling of embarassment and "I told you so's" flood my mind. Maybe this is the place people get to when they throw their hands up and stop fighting. Maybe that's where I am at. I might throw my hands up after this post because I suck at controlling my life. I have evidence to prove it.
Why are we so human. Seriously. It's getting so old.