Thursday, November 12, 2009

Some heart felt words

Currently listening to: Enter the Worship Circle
Currently feeling: fisty
Current favorite lyric: You are the only faithful one

Sitting down to blog is like hitting the jackpot. This is exactly what I feel like doing right now. And I feel like I have so many things to say and I uniquely feel like saying exactly what I mean. Here's a disclaimer for mispelled words. There were a few I questioned but don't feel like them. Cuz I do what I want. Experience the rawness.

Some inner fisty red-head thing came out tonight. I saw something rise up in me, a youthful voice to a bunch of old people. I saw a confidence in me, a yearning to be heard. It wasn't as profound as it sounds, it just felt like it to me. Conclusion: I never want to be in the corporate scene. It's cold, ugly and impersonal. Will money ever have less value in this world than it does now (figuratively, not literally)? I am overwhelmed with purpose tonight. Through a frustrating few moments, I feel a little more centered and determined to be what is really inside me.

I am also feeling socially overwhelmed. I know these nights are coming. It's an inevitable arrival of an ever-so-extra-extravert. If you want to see this extravert at her peek and her breaking point, see me stop for 20 conversations in the cafeteria. Overwhelming (I am using that word a lot tonight) to say the least. It's nothing I've never felt before. I have reached my giving out max from the last few weeks. I peeked at a project deadline. I have lacked any sufficient sleep or relaxing mornings in bed. This is the place one comes to. You lock the door, turn down the lights, turn on the therepeutic tunes (Enter the Worship Circle tonight), and you write. You write until you hit your core, then you find your beautiful brokenness. When the reality hits, you cry and this gives you a sense of release. Then you lay your head down to sleep a good sleep. You wake up the next day reflected and renewed. It's rather beautiful and a cycle I have come to appreciate because it's where I find center in my life. It's more than just a physically tired break down, but a psychological analysis of my life and where it's headed. Of my needs. My ugliness. My beauty. My desires and my realities. It's a reminder of God's faithful character in an unfaithful world. Ah, my Hope.

People just want to be understood. I want to be understood. I have told you this before, but it's been seen true in my relationships recently. It's awful to find that I hold unrealistic expectations for people to understand me. When I find that there are very few that do this, I get frustrated. But really, is there really any faithful one here on earth? No one but the Lord. That's my conclusion as of right now and I think where I stand at this point. There is no one like Him and when am I ever going to stop looking.

Logistically and more light-heartedly, preparations are being made to spend Winter/Spring in Washington, D.C. I have of course already beeing brainstorming what a blog will look like in that situation. A new season, a new blog? Thinking.

I have officially checked out of the schoolwork area of school. Big research deadline has been survived....5 weeks isn't enough to keep me intent. I seem to be checking out and doing it quickly.

That's it for my post. Thanks.

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