Monday, May 4, 2009

First hand thoughts

I must say, I am too tired to write, and the idea of blogging right now in looking at this blank page is overwhelming. But it's necessary. The challenge of organizing words to convey my thoughts to you is thrilling, and for my sanity, needed.

My feelings right now range from inspiration to exhaustion, loneliness to encouraged. My mind shifts from one thing to another, deadline to deadline, while struggling to have an overall sense of direction and purpose for this life. It's a hard thing. It's a hard thing to really engage in life when it's so raw and colorful....full of different people, causes, emotions, events, ideas, etc., because it consumes all of your senses, mind, emotion, and intellect. It can take everything out of you. Don't get me wrong, it's a good feeling, a feeling that expresses the reality that you are actually living.

But it's hard to be fully connected to people when you have to say goodbye.

It's hard to beloves by people when you don't believe you deserve the attention.

It's hard to put yourself out there, for fear that if you do, you will fail.

It's the feeling of not being "old enough" to do things well, when in reality, we are actually capable of doing those things we have always dreamed of.

That time we always looked forward to-----when we would accomplish our dreams and change the world-----well, that's now. And the idea that I want my life to reflect all those things I ever wanted with my endeavors is scary because it's calling for action. It's showtime. Now.

I feel like I am being thrown out into the world, and ready or not, reality is hitting. As put together and comfortable as I can look on the outside only contrasts with the scared little girl that trembles on my insides, staring into a bright new world of need. Unfortunately, I have never been one of those people to turn around and ignore it, I just wasn't born with that ability. I can't deny the need that is in our world.

I was inspired today. By people's actions, words, and lives. I was inspired also in stepping out, or testing the waters as some would say. I poked my toe into something and found out that it's ok, and that maybe I am ok too. Maybe I'll make it. Maybe all this time I have been prepared. For this.

1 comment:

meg said...

5Gracious is the LORD, and righteous;
our God is merciful.
6The LORD preserves the simple;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
7Return, O my soul, to your rest;
for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.
Psalms 116

Love you.