Where I'm at

Currently listening to: the new Phil Wickham c.d.
Eating: granola
Feeling: refreshed

Lately I have observed in my life the importance of:

good health
self-control
communication
questioning
worshipping
love.

I feel satisfied right now. And for once, satisfied with not knowing. Satisfied with continuing the search for answers. I just had some amazing conversations with fascinating people that stimulated so much thought in me about God, life, the body, truth. It's not black and white. The truth might be black and white, but we all see different colors. And in trying to make sense of what we call "God," we try to convince the other that He's purple when they see green. Who's right? Is there a right answer? Or are we all just clueless?

The ladder is all I find to be true.

God is bigger than all of this down here. All of this crap; injustice, sickness, hipocrisy, religion, confusion. What we view as truth is so little to the vastness of its pure form. We are clueless humans who are trying to get through life. If only we would notice Him. If only we would stop pointing fingers and looking around and recognize His presence.

Recognize His greatness.

Sometimes I wonder if it's possible for the Body of Christ to get along. It seems like a mess. It's overwhelming. But God loves the church. God wants us to fight for the church. Don't we have the responsibility to atleast try? To believe for the best?

Right now I will insert my cliche comment for the day: "Can't we all just get along?"
Ok I feel better.

Life is gorgeous. To be able to engage in conversation that challenges my beliefs, stimulates my intellect, and inspires my heart, is the most healthy thing I can do for myself right now. And I know there are those who have not been liberated or educated enough to face such thoughts; who remain ignorant, some by choice, others not knowing.

I've gone through crap. I understand sickness. Bad relationships. Family problems. Depression. Hurt by the church. I've questioned politics and religion. And I know that my faith is more real now. My ideas, more clear. My perspective, larger. My joy, more complete. I've recognized the importance of thinking for oneself, for questioning, for listening. And I have been liberated from conformity. Religion. Judgement. Ignorance. Condemnation.

And I love this destination.

Because I am free.

Abba Father

I don't know that I have ever been at this place before.

I am weak. Dependent. I have never been so paralyzed...staring at the world moving around me. My body doesn't listen to me. My body doesn't do what it's supposed to do. I don't think I've had a trial this tough, this long. When it's over, will there be anything left?

There is this constant sorrow in me. Being sick. No one can see it on the outside. No one knows if I am having a bad day. It's all inside of me. Never ending. And I am....out of control. It's out of my hands. It's out of my reach. Circumstances seem to be spiraling on their own. I am left. Broken. I want it to stop. I don't want to be sick anymore.

Is this what taking up your cross meant? If so, I am willing. It is just hurting.

Questions have been racing through my mind: Should I take this semester off? Is it healthy for me to be here with the stress of school? What do I want to do with my life? When will I have an answer to this thorn in my side?

It's a lot. It is. And I admit my short-comings and my brokeness. And among my complaining, I know I am right where God wants me. I just feel like a baby-absolutely helpless. In need of a Savior- a daddy.

So tonight I cry, "Abba Father. Not my will, but Yours, Oh God."

"Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!" John 12:27-28

Back

Currently Listening: Mark Mathis,, Gasoline Heart
Currently Eating: Dairy-free chocolate chips
Currently: procrastinating

Liz, welcome back to college! These are the things you will encounter:

Lack of sleep
An obsession of sleep when you have the time to do so
Too much reading
Pressure to figure out your life
Professors that speak 100 mph in Spanish
Several emotions that will drive you nuts

Alright. I am back, writing you from my dorm room, procrastinating. My goal was to get my Spanish homework done before dinner. But I felt the urge to blog. When this happens, one must respect the urge.

I am enjoying being back here. There are so many things I love here...the amazing people.....and well, that's all I can think of right now. There's more probably. My brain just isn't caring much about this point. I am glad to be back. There. Now to random.....

The other day, after getting back from class and lunch, I realized something while looking in the mirror. I had put two very different earrings on. These were two very distinct, large, dangly, sparkly earrings. Very different. I love laughing at myself.

My good friend Alyssa just got engaged......whoa......and asked me to be her maid of honor.....double whoa.

Everyone needs to stop getting married.
This is weird.
We're old.

Speaking of, a month til my 21st birthday.

Today I had another thought looking in the mirror, following a conversation with my best friend about why we don't date. I looked at my outfit....a little loud and creative.....and I thought, you mean I have been dressing weird for all the years thinking I'm cute and no one has told me how ridiculous I look!? So THIS is why I have no boys in my vida (life).

But then my friend said I was cute. So I was fine.

I am going to do Spanish homework now, aka devote my life to studying like a maniac with no life.

I will survive.

Summer endings

Currently listening to: Snow Patrol
Currently reading: Sex God by Rob Bell
Currently dreaming about: seeing my friends again
Current realization: This summer I am white.

I don't know what else to do with myself at the moment, so of course, blog!

Summer is rapidly coming to an end. I have two more days left and then I am heading back to the hill where my life begins again. I have had what seems to be a break from reality; 3 months of recooperating. I am dying to be social again. I am ready to get back to being myself. Just thinking about life back at Jewell and picking up objects and placing them into my suitcase brings such a relief to my soul. Seriously, you have no idea. Everyone has their college experiences--some love it and some don't. I am in love with this time in my life. Infact, I don't want to graduate.

Today I played in the street. My feet have a strip of black lingering on the calloused bottom. My feet have gotten out of control this summer. I am afraid to take them to a pedicure place. Surely there are boundaries to foot funk that can be tolerated or something. I will be left sitting and wondering why the asian lady ran out of the building screaming for life.

I played piano with mom today. She dusted off her flute. She hasn't touched that flute in the longest time. And I haven't been the best about spending my time expressing on the piano. So it was good for the both of us. It's something I capture in my mind so I will always remember. We used to play together when I lived on that piano bench. Refreshing.

Today's activities also included a much needed trip to Wal-Mart where my debit card got cleaned up a little bit. I realized there were a lot of things needed for my life at school.....a lot of cooking/cleaning stuff....stuff that I don't really know anything about. And I was without my mom, so I made executive decisions on things like sauce pans, perring knives, and strainers: the cheapest wins. Still, add the cheapest of everything, you still get a hefty Wal-Mart spending headache afterwards. Yet...accomplishment. Liz feels like an adult.

And it's scary.

I also watched my niece trace cursive on her homework worksheet. Today was her first day of school. I remember that feeling......new clothes, the sound of the school bus brakes, the return of an early bedtime, and cookies and milk when I got home on the first day.

It makes me want to go put on my backpack.

Do you realize there are the people that are always too cool for backpacks that actually go on your back? What is up with the side strap students?

Too cool for school is what I think.

I have this hidden fear of my laptop crashing and losing my life, I mean, all my pictures, music, and school work. So I (I mean my dad) got a 8 gb flash drive to save it all on. Whew, I feel better.

Now listening to: Waterdeep

Alright bloggers, goodnight. Adventures await us.

Never the Same

My recent thoughts have been consumed with words like: "Gluten-free," "buckwheat," "arrowroot," and "millet," and I have found myself reading cookbooks about cooking with allergies. I am educated. I am informed. Ask me any question.

Today marks my tenth day without Gluten (wheat, flour, aka everything). I am on my way to good health and learning much on the way:

In honor of my 21st birthday in a few months, I cannot drink beer. It is made of barley, Gluten. So in doing my research, I have found Redbridge, the only Gluten-free beer. I CAN have tequila, wine, and hard liquor. Whoa.

I cannot cheat. For kicks, I sampled a corner of a strawberry Pop-Tart last night. Not even 10 minutes later, I had myself a headache, stomachache, and felt like my body was going to all apart. Darn it.

I don't lose weight. It's glued on.

Along with this elimination let's not forget the other ingredients I cannot consume:

Dairy
Eggs
Soy
Corn

This presents a beautiful frustration when preparing for college in a week. How, oh how in the world, am I going to survive without my mom? How am I going to be a college student while avoiding coffee, desserts, beer, and (insert junk food name here)? Somehow I will manage. I know that. And in all honesty, I know this is insane, I have been okay. Self-control has kicked in and my taste-buds have changed so much that I am adapting to this new flavor, Gluten-free.

I remember the kids in school....the special ones that got the special snacks. The kid who couldn't eat sugar. The one who had to drink soy milk, gross. And the kid who couldn't eat the cookies. I always looked at Lactose-intoleranters and thought, "I would DIE if I couldn't eat ice cream."

I AM THAT KID.

Lord have mercy, my life will never be the same.

This is going to be fun..... *laughs*

Beautiful Surrender

Currently Listening: Jason Upton
Currently Reading: The Shack, Colossians
Currently Eating: Gluten-Free Food
Currently Feeling: Loved

If anything, this summer has stripped all pride away from my identity. I have been humbled: by people, by circumstance, by God showing Himself faithful despite my doubt. And for this I am so thankful. There is nothing left of me. I have nothing to prove to you. I am not stupid enough to continue being something I am not. I am stripped and broken; naked and cleaned. Right before God.

It's beautiful.

Surrender has loosened my chains.

Love has brought warmth and light.

Peace has calmed my storm.

And "in him all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17).

I am seeking hard after that truth. My heart is running forward with wreckless abandon. My past has no grip on me. My future needs no worry to be complete. I live and breathe in His consuming passion...to grap hold of the prize. To finish the race.

And run it to win it.

A Rich Life

I am in a wonderful moment where things seem to be lined up. Some spiritual. Some utterly materialistic. Let me explain.

Today I dropped the most worthy $100 at Gap Outlet. My once a year, tax-free wardrobe. Another satisfied customer.

I dread first impressions. You may not think that a loud person would be self-concious in social settings as these, but I hate them. The whole time you are talking to me I am thinking about how obnoxious and overly friendly I have been. I seriously have to tone myself down in exciting, new situations, because I am afraid my presence is too overwhelming for the other party. You could imagine the worry that went into meeting my freshman roommate. Lord have mercy that's a funny one. The reason I bring this up is also to state that first impressions are 99.9% wrong in my life. And at the moment I am convicted of some judgements I have made on a particular person that was put in my path and later really blessed me. We are all learning, aren't we.

What is with being in the sun and feeling absolutely alive? The invigorating feeling of sun, sweating, and freckles. The smell of sunscreen. It makes me really happy.

Right now I have a satisfied stomach. Not hungry, not bloaded or full. Why can't I eat like this all the time?

I have the perfect music for the moment. This is right. Just right.

I have found an engaging book. I would like to read it all today just to show you how much I like it. This is monumental because I have been searching from genre to genre, trying to find one that I can pick up and actually finish.

Velvet Elvis, I am a firm believer.

Yesterday I visited one of my favorite places on Earth: Grand River Chapel at William Jewell. I was there with one of my favorite people, playing on my favorite piano. It was the happiest I had been in a very long time. I laughed a lot. From my belly. Pure joy.

I am realizing the beauty and vibrance of life, freedom, faith, and relationships. Somehow they all play together to create a unique experience I get to have on this Earth. Today I breathe deep. I take the color in. I feel the warmth of the sun. I experience the love of people. The grace of God.

I recognize the presence of a God, that has been there since the beginning.

I can finally see Him.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I am free at last.