An honest post.

I feel like blogs are statements to the world declaring some revelation or raging tangent to others; showing how great you are about figuring out life. My soul sits uncomfortably as I type this. I am by no means in the right mind to impress you, nor am I prepared to tell you some spiritual and put together answer to my questions tonight. I come to the table very human, searching for an array of vocabulary to articulate my struggle.

When I sit and pity about my uncertainty in my faith and the world around me, I can’t help but see so many different portrayals of faith. I see all extremes and everything in between. I see beauty and strength. I see wrong and weaknesses. And in that split second that my mind finds labels and slaps them onto what my mind sees to be faith, I get overwhelmed in feeling the need to choose. Do I need to be an evangelical who votes Republican and passes out tracks with the steps to salvation? Should I be the liberal kind of Christian who fights for human rights and sees that the poor have food at night? Should I spend all day in a prayer room praying for revival?

These questions flood my mind tonight as I realize my condition. I have tucked away sermons and teachings in my head, kept things leaders have said, engraved doctrine into my brain. I have seen truth on both extremes in my journey, and I find myself in an uncomfortable in between. In some aspects, in time I have become someone that I never deemed to be good. In another way, I am more liberated and understanding of the gospel than before. I am not satisfied here because I know I am not where I need to be. And in my human and categorial thinking, the only way I seem to find in moving forward right now is choosing between two paths that claim to reach the same goal. My logic can’t rid truths from one for the other, or vice versa. Both shine a different light on Jesus, portraying him as a man standing for different things, like two different people. But really, who is this man named Jesus?

I know I sound confused. And sure, there is some of that. But in the end, as I fight this “good fight of faith,” my heart yearns to be valued for the person that I am more than the doctrine I choose to believe, or label I slap onto myself to please you. There is an honest fear of being rejected on either side. In that struggle, I try my best to stray away from indifference, for surely giving up would be easier than the fight.

I wasn’t taught that faith was more than black and white, but I am beginning to think it is. My faith contains colors of blue, bright yellow, and magenta. It’s deep and the shades are ever changing, from sea green to fragile peach. It reflects experience, relationships, and education. It screams out mercy and declares justice. It dances for joy and worships in peace. My faith is based on my need for a savior. And I know his name is Jesus.

Only He makes sense of my colorful mess.

Recent Realizations

Currently enjoying: endorphins spreading through my body
Currently engaging in: Facebook stalking
Currently suffering from: closing eye lids

Some things I have become aware of lately:

I have sensitive hearing
I have a majorly sensitive sense of smell.
People need to learn how to use sarcasm appropriately.
I am surprisingly attracted to redheads. Some.
I really really love dancing.
I would like to go to New York very soon.
Playing the piano makes me happy.

This is my inventory of recent things I have noticed about myself. It's the little things, isn't it?

5 minute post

Currently listening to: rain
Currently wearing: Chaco's
Currently thinking about: Colorado

So I figured it out. I am not happy being here right now. That's it! It's like this cycle of emotions I have been in, trying to figure out why I am just not satisfied with my summer plans, with being here in Liberty. I would rather be in Colorado. I would rather be in Mexico. I would rather be doing something meaningful and productive. I don't want be working and doing summer school. I want an adventure, but somehow that part didn't work out for me. It's disappointing, really. I have wonderful friends doing wonderful things this summer.....Haiti. Amsterdam. Africa (3). I have friends in Colorado at camp, loving God and people and having campfires. Ah I miss it.

So that is my 5 minute post. Liz needs to change her attitude. Things have to look up.

Gearing up

Currently listening to: Iron and Wine
Current career consideration: teacher
Current love: Kansas City

It's officially summer here on the hill. I am settled into a new building and new room. Adjusting is always a difficult task. Shifting into summer mode has been also interesting. But nonetheless, I am hopeful about things. Plans seem unpredictable, but hopeful.

I will be starting summer school and Starbucks barista-ing in about a week. I also plan to spend some quality time at my new church home, Redeemer Fellowship, and read, lay out in the sun, and run as a hobby. God willing that is. I am still fascinated with people and obsessed with loving them. This love might be finally awakening after some time of selfishness. The more I fix these eyeballs upon Jesus, the more I love hurting people.

An important part of this summer for me needs to be investing in my soul...something that tends to get ignored and pushed aside here. I need to listen to my heart, listen for God, and let myself be refreshed. If this is selfish, let it be. If I keep going on ignoring the fact that I need a savior and something else to hope in, I will be nothing. I have been an engine trying to run on no gasoline. I haven't been getting very far. And I don't want to fall into complacency....talking about all these dreams of mine and the life I want to live, but never stepping closer. That's a pet peeve of mine I have developed over the past several months. I want to be a doer.

Proof that summer has begun and my life is slowing down is that I am yearning to do the things I love......my fingers need to touch a piano key asap or I am going to go bazerko. I need to have some quality conversations. And I need to worship. The real me is starting to rise up. Thank you William Jewell College for allowing this much needed break. I won't let you down.

A reminder

Current activity: cleaning out my room
Current song: In Your Presence by Jason Upton
Currently wearing: my rainbow retainer

I am going through things from this school year. My desk is stuffed with old ticket stubs, lecture programs, receipts; evidence that I don't throw anything away. I ran across an old food journal from when I was sick last semester. Reading it again numbed my core. I get lost just sitting here, remembering what it was like to be sick for so long. I had wrote down every little thing I ate and what was in it......rice, rice cakes, rice milk, canned peaches Gluten-free pasta, millet pudding....let me stop before you have to read all the ridiculous things included in my soy free, diary free, corn free, gluten free diet. I wrote every time I got sick, which was generally right after I ate. Wow. It's been 7 months since I have been sick. Glory be to God.

I found birthday confetti from October and instructions my mom wrote to my friends so they could put birthday surprises outside my door exactly the way it should be. Gluten-free cupcakes, candy for my friends, balloons, signs made by my family members. What a thoughtful mom I have. What a special birthday.

I ran across old bulletins from First Christian Church, a place that showed me love and healing. A place where I recieved the most genuine hugs expressing the love Christ has for me and his community.

I found my nametag from ESL class that I lost a long time ago. Adwad, Gerges, Magdad, Beshoy, Rosalva, Daranel, Felix, Maria.....learning acceptance, service, understanding, and love between human beings.

I have a lot to be thankful for. This was a year of very uncomfortable friction that produced growth inside of me....that made me come out better, I think (still figuring that one out)....a year of fresh perspective and reality. A year of new beginnings and endings. Another year to reflect the grace, mercy, and faithfulness of God. I didn't use those words just to use religious jargon...like Christian radio or something. I chose to use each one and meant it. So go back and read that sentence again. He is the only reason I can come up with for me coming out the other side a healed, loved, educated woman. Whole.

"For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave." Psalm 86:13

Bloated on bread and life

Currently listening to: weird instrumental ballads
Currently looking at: Sarah Kathryn Parsons
Current phrase in my head: "Come ON finals, just get over."

I am sitting in the corner of Panera, looking at a blank screen on my computer and a pickle left over from downed sandwich, hence the whole 'bloated on bread and life' title. This has to be longest dragged out week of my college career. I mean, Come ONNNNN. My life is on hold until my presentation is over at 4:00. THEN I can clean my room, work out, shop for clothes, buy summer school books, and read the Twilight series books.

Oh summer, where art thou? Thou hast not shun on my faceth. Art thou in thy future? Or art thou not?

There is something just wrong about waitresses and department store clerks who have the nerve to call older women "babe" or "honey." If you are older and you want to call me honey, so be it. But call my mom honey? She's 20 years older than you, that makes that I N A P P R O P R I A T E. Social skills, people.

My friend Sarah is leaving for Haiti on Monday. I am extremely happy and proud of her. She is a fine gal. A great friend. And my pookie. I love you dear, I will miss you.

Beyonce lives.

Slowing down

Current mood: sentimental
Current food fad: apples
Currently listening to: George Winston, piano

I am slowin down, you all (Missouri version of ya'all). Cramming, being a disciplined studier, caring about school, is becoming harder to do. As I sit here, I am aware of my apathy towards anything school related. My emotions have been surpressed, my relationships pushed aside, and my thoughtfulness strained for too long. I just need time to feel all the things I am feeling. I need time to think of the thoughts I need think about. And when I do that, I find that there is a lot of emotion going on inside of me with change. Someone give me a minute to just sit here.

I saw a good friend today. I haven't seen her in a long while. And Molly, it refreshed my heart. I really missed you. And I am glad you are back before your next adventure. I love you.

Oh dearest reader, I don't have anything witty for you right now. To be honest, I just wanted to write to get a little bit of piece of mind before I face my nasty school endeavor that awaits me on the other side: Microsoft Word. Outside the clouds look like they are about to release some moisture.....as do my eyes.

Let it be.

What a bite of watermelon can do

Currently listening to: Older Chests by Damien Rice
Currently eating: watermelon
Currently experiencing: endings and goodbyes

Summer is coming to us. You can feel it in the sunbeams, hear it outside, see it by my Chacos, and taste it in the watermelon. You also know it's summer when you have to shave your legs every day.

A few minutes ago, someone let me take a bite of watermelon. The juiciness spirred a whirlwind of summer recollections in my being and inspired this blog. Watermelon, to me, represents everything summer. I have a photo of me and my mom sitting at the kitchen table, my shirt was off (2 years old) and I was sitting on her lap. We had a half of a watermelon in front of us. Those were my summers- my mom and I always indulging in big portions of watermelon.

There is something in me that struggles with summers because I want to it to be the way it was when I was young. Are you like that? You wish summers were still neighborhood hide-go-seeks, barbeques, and bike rides. You wish you still heard your mom call you in for dinner. You wish you didn't have to make money except by a lemonade stand on the street corner. You wish it really meant a mental break.....no noble internships or trips, just summers by the pool. Please slab some spf 50 sunscreen on me, because I want that summer.

So my emotions are mixed as I await summer. It's the first summer I won't move back home. Summer in Liberty is a new experience for me. I am just hoping I will be able to transfer out of school mode easily. I need that.

I need to run on the grass without my shoes on. I need to walk on the pavement and get black stains on my feet. I need to not set my alarm for the morning. I need to experience the yearly lack of air condition in my car. I need to get a sunburn to awaken my freckles from hibernation. I need to chew on sunflower seeds and experience the bipolar contrast between the hot outside and cold air-conditioned house. I need to go to the zoo and smell animal poop. Summer, are you here yet? If so, let it be like that.

Meanwhile, I have a few things to do. A few papers to write. A few things to wrap up.

Hey, you should go eat some watermelon.

It's 2:28 p.m.

This is a coffee shop post. A blatent act of procrastination. No shame. Just need a minute.

Am sipping, I mean gulping, on some coffee. My brain has shut down. This isn't good. I have been reassured of my ever so long to-do list for the week. Haven't freaked out yet. Perhaps I just don't care. Good or bad? We'll see. Meanwhile, I am dressed in khakis and a red polo--two rarities for me. The occasion? Interview at the golf course. Yes, I am a poser. What else do you wear to a golf course? I will let you know how it goes. I could be your beverage cart girl this summer. Want some booze? Sure, if you can catch me on my wild and speedy golf cart.

Greetings on this Tuesday. My love to you.

First hand thoughts

I must say, I am too tired to write, and the idea of blogging right now in looking at this blank page is overwhelming. But it's necessary. The challenge of organizing words to convey my thoughts to you is thrilling, and for my sanity, needed.

My feelings right now range from inspiration to exhaustion, loneliness to encouraged. My mind shifts from one thing to another, deadline to deadline, while struggling to have an overall sense of direction and purpose for this life. It's a hard thing. It's a hard thing to really engage in life when it's so raw and colorful....full of different people, causes, emotions, events, ideas, etc., because it consumes all of your senses, mind, emotion, and intellect. It can take everything out of you. Don't get me wrong, it's a good feeling, a feeling that expresses the reality that you are actually living.

But it's hard to be fully connected to people when you have to say goodbye.

It's hard to beloves by people when you don't believe you deserve the attention.

It's hard to put yourself out there, for fear that if you do, you will fail.

It's the feeling of not being "old enough" to do things well, when in reality, we are actually capable of doing those things we have always dreamed of.

That time we always looked forward to-----when we would accomplish our dreams and change the world-----well, that's now. And the idea that I want my life to reflect all those things I ever wanted with my endeavors is scary because it's calling for action. It's showtime. Now.

I feel like I am being thrown out into the world, and ready or not, reality is hitting. As put together and comfortable as I can look on the outside only contrasts with the scared little girl that trembles on my insides, staring into a bright new world of need. Unfortunately, I have never been one of those people to turn around and ignore it, I just wasn't born with that ability. I can't deny the need that is in our world.

I was inspired today. By people's actions, words, and lives. I was inspired also in stepping out, or testing the waters as some would say. I poked my toe into something and found out that it's ok, and that maybe I am ok too. Maybe I'll make it. Maybe all this time I have been prepared. For this.