Where I'm at

Currently listening to: the new Phil Wickham c.d.
Eating: granola
Feeling: refreshed

Lately I have observed in my life the importance of:

good health
self-control
communication
questioning
worshipping
love.

I feel satisfied right now. And for once, satisfied with not knowing. Satisfied with continuing the search for answers. I just had some amazing conversations with fascinating people that stimulated so much thought in me about God, life, the body, truth. It's not black and white. The truth might be black and white, but we all see different colors. And in trying to make sense of what we call "God," we try to convince the other that He's purple when they see green. Who's right? Is there a right answer? Or are we all just clueless?

The ladder is all I find to be true.

God is bigger than all of this down here. All of this crap; injustice, sickness, hipocrisy, religion, confusion. What we view as truth is so little to the vastness of its pure form. We are clueless humans who are trying to get through life. If only we would notice Him. If only we would stop pointing fingers and looking around and recognize His presence.

Recognize His greatness.

Sometimes I wonder if it's possible for the Body of Christ to get along. It seems like a mess. It's overwhelming. But God loves the church. God wants us to fight for the church. Don't we have the responsibility to atleast try? To believe for the best?

Right now I will insert my cliche comment for the day: "Can't we all just get along?"
Ok I feel better.

Life is gorgeous. To be able to engage in conversation that challenges my beliefs, stimulates my intellect, and inspires my heart, is the most healthy thing I can do for myself right now. And I know there are those who have not been liberated or educated enough to face such thoughts; who remain ignorant, some by choice, others not knowing.

I've gone through crap. I understand sickness. Bad relationships. Family problems. Depression. Hurt by the church. I've questioned politics and religion. And I know that my faith is more real now. My ideas, more clear. My perspective, larger. My joy, more complete. I've recognized the importance of thinking for oneself, for questioning, for listening. And I have been liberated from conformity. Religion. Judgement. Ignorance. Condemnation.

And I love this destination.

Because I am free.

Abba Father

I don't know that I have ever been at this place before.

I am weak. Dependent. I have never been so paralyzed...staring at the world moving around me. My body doesn't listen to me. My body doesn't do what it's supposed to do. I don't think I've had a trial this tough, this long. When it's over, will there be anything left?

There is this constant sorrow in me. Being sick. No one can see it on the outside. No one knows if I am having a bad day. It's all inside of me. Never ending. And I am....out of control. It's out of my hands. It's out of my reach. Circumstances seem to be spiraling on their own. I am left. Broken. I want it to stop. I don't want to be sick anymore.

Is this what taking up your cross meant? If so, I am willing. It is just hurting.

Questions have been racing through my mind: Should I take this semester off? Is it healthy for me to be here with the stress of school? What do I want to do with my life? When will I have an answer to this thorn in my side?

It's a lot. It is. And I admit my short-comings and my brokeness. And among my complaining, I know I am right where God wants me. I just feel like a baby-absolutely helpless. In need of a Savior- a daddy.

So tonight I cry, "Abba Father. Not my will, but Yours, Oh God."

"Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!" John 12:27-28

Back

Currently Listening: Mark Mathis,, Gasoline Heart
Currently Eating: Dairy-free chocolate chips
Currently: procrastinating

Liz, welcome back to college! These are the things you will encounter:

Lack of sleep
An obsession of sleep when you have the time to do so
Too much reading
Pressure to figure out your life
Professors that speak 100 mph in Spanish
Several emotions that will drive you nuts

Alright. I am back, writing you from my dorm room, procrastinating. My goal was to get my Spanish homework done before dinner. But I felt the urge to blog. When this happens, one must respect the urge.

I am enjoying being back here. There are so many things I love here...the amazing people.....and well, that's all I can think of right now. There's more probably. My brain just isn't caring much about this point. I am glad to be back. There. Now to random.....

The other day, after getting back from class and lunch, I realized something while looking in the mirror. I had put two very different earrings on. These were two very distinct, large, dangly, sparkly earrings. Very different. I love laughing at myself.

My good friend Alyssa just got engaged......whoa......and asked me to be her maid of honor.....double whoa.

Everyone needs to stop getting married.
This is weird.
We're old.

Speaking of, a month til my 21st birthday.

Today I had another thought looking in the mirror, following a conversation with my best friend about why we don't date. I looked at my outfit....a little loud and creative.....and I thought, you mean I have been dressing weird for all the years thinking I'm cute and no one has told me how ridiculous I look!? So THIS is why I have no boys in my vida (life).

But then my friend said I was cute. So I was fine.

I am going to do Spanish homework now, aka devote my life to studying like a maniac with no life.

I will survive.