Sunday, December 23, 2007

Broken, no stockings, and Josh Groban

This situation has worn itself out. Now, there's nothing left to make of it. I am left picking up the pieces of my dignity, wherever they may lie. If only letting go was as easy as it sounded, a lot would have been fixed by now. But perhaps the situation will keep arising until I deal with it. What a novel idea. Hmph.

Something happened today. Or rather, a feeling has flooded me. I am still not sure what it is. Tonight I am found kind of, well, broken I guess. I have never felt so stuck in a place where there is so little value given to my being. I was crushed, then pushed aside, used. And I know you don't know what I am talking about, and that is ok, maybe you can find some way to understand.

I am done with it. Lord, teach me how to move on.



Up there it sounded like I was throwing up on you, in a delicate way. Now to what I am doing right now: sitting with my hood on my head. Why I don't know. And Damien Rice's "Cannonball" has won to create the atmosphere. Mom is wrapping Christmas gifts in the other room, the rest of my household: asleep.

Thoughts on Christmas: It has become for the grandchildren. I feel bad because I am going to sound like a jealous aunt. But I am the youngest, let me complain. Sometime in the past few years, my siblings and I passed the years of gifts and magic. It began with the doing away of gifts, and the replacement of cards and cash. Which isn't that bad. But this year it went to the extreme of stockings going down strictly to the grandchildren, stockings. What's wrong with stockings? Except that they are filled with junk you end up throwing away anway. Ok, I get it, but still. Also my older sister and her husband are at his family's Christmas. The first Christmas without a sibling. Weird. More changes in life, this better slow down.

I find it interesting that lately it has become harder and harder to find music to fit my perfect mood. You know what I mean: browsing, no desperately searching rather, iTunes for music that fits the moment and will create a perfect atmosphere to your thoughts and feelings. The last 15 minutes have been difficult. I have gone from Damien Rice to well, I don't know who this is, then Dashboard.

The days I listen to Josh Groban are the most interesting. Because it's not that I am in a romantic mood necessarily when I do, although his voice is absolutely gorgeous, but it is soothing, and yet at the same time, stimulating. You listen to Josh Groban on days of precipitation. Snow and rain create the perfect invitation for Josh's tenorness to serenade my soul. I liked the way that sounded.

I will leave it at that.

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