Like a Machine

I am a machine.

Let me explain....

I have been franticly writing application, typing papers, studying subjects that I have devoted four years of my life to. I haven't stopped. I sit here, eyes glued to the laptop, earphones in, iTunes pumpin, and only move to charge the battery on my laptop because it's been 4 hours.

This is my break: blogging, graham crackers, and Daphne Loves Derby. Yes! Saturday night!

Yesterday I decided to spend my summer in Westcliffe, Colorado, on top of a mountain. I will be a "programmer." Important sounding. Well I am excited. It was a spontaneous but peace-felt decision. Ok I leave for Honduras 2 days after schools over. 3 days after that, I leave for Colorado. I will get back and come back to school a week later. Rock on. I'm livin' it.

If you care, now I am eating chocolate chips and enjoying the music of Kelly Clarkson.

And I am tired. I might be going crazy. This is what college does to you.

My hand just got stuck in the bag of chocolate chips.

On the floor

Straight up. There's a lot we don't understand.

the death of unborn babies
suicide
anorexia
depression
poverty
pain
suffering

I find myself confused, frustrated, moved by the hurt I see. I cry and weep for the unfair circumstances. I feel determined yet helpless at the great need that lies around me. And for so long, for such a time, I was blind to it. I didn't care. I hid my eyes from the despair. And for those who still find themselves gazing into only the reflection of their ignorance and selfishness, my heart....hurts.

Open our eyes.

And when I am alone, filling the floor with my tears, hearing my heart moved with compassion and mercy, I realize that it's His love that is working in me. This need I see....this pain I feel....this love I feel for them....it's His love that is manifesting in me. Maybe I understand His love. Maybe, after time and time again, living in my selfishness, I have stopped and finally....received His love. Here I am. I get it.

Love.

In it....I find peace. And in it I overflow.

Endorphins

What is it about endorphins? What makes going for a run or kissing a boy so refreshing? I know when I am stressed I can do either one of those things and be great. (The boy thing-KIDDING.)

Tonight I found myself indifferent. Nothing, absolutely nothing, sounded good. No food (well I did get a sudden craving for Mexican....), person, or place felt right. I wanted to go out but was too exhausted. I wanted to hang out in the dorm but all I can think about here is the homework I should be doing right now. It's like a restless night of sleep; I just can't get comfortable. I roamed around a little bit....found myself in the cafeteria eating beans and rice and then in the chapel releasing my soul on the piano. Then I watched a movie. Notting Hill to be exact. This was a successful decision. Then I went for a run, aka enjoyed my endorphin rush. Now I am engaging in some major procrastination telling you about my most uneventful Friday night.

2 weeks of classes + finals until summer. All I want to do is lay by a pool and gain my summer freckles. I miss them. Well what I really want is to do NOTHING. College life is insane. Wait, let me rephrase, William Jewell college life is insane. I don't know what it is....whether it's the unhealthily high GPA's shoved in your face or the massive amount of homework the Spanish department gives you, or the screaming residents on your hall the night before. College life here is like 10 years of life and things to do jammed into a 4 year period. I am halfway done.

I have never been to New York. But right now, I think I am in the mood for New York.

That reminds me of one of my favorite songs:

"Live in New York City once but leave before it makes you hard. Live in northern California once but leave before it makes you soft." -Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen

I am going to sit here listening to Brett Dennon and staring at a Spanish paper over immigration while soaking up the number of released endorphins rushing through my body. I feel better. I have written this blog, and I feel better.

Night.

The Sound of White

Forgive me for the long lapse in blogs. I know you have been wondering about me. Excuse me while I tweak my iTunes to play a song of my choice....

Internal Dialogue:
"What fits the mood? Not Hanson...or Josh Groban....or John Mayer....no Brett Dennen for the moment. Got it! Jessica Andrews, oldschool, 'Helplessely, Hopelessly.' Good tune. Set."

My latest:

-4 weeks until I am completed with my second year of college. I am pretty numbed by it.
-We put my dog to sleep last week. RIP Emma Rose.
-Am currently figuring out my life, aka where I will work this summer, and what country I want to live for 4 months of my life (study abroad).
-Am leaving for Honduras in 30 days and have my whole trip paid for.
-Bought a new phone today.
-Am going to a formal tonight, downtown, with my beautiful friends. DANCE DANCE.

Now listening to: Stupid Boy by Keith Urban

My randomness:

-I want to cut my hair like a boy.
-Feel like living in a big city right now.
-Want coffee.
-Rather be in a make believe world where things happen the way you want them.

Referring to the comment above, I have realized that I, along with probably the rest of human kind, have created a world in my head for myself; the way I wish things would happen. Infact, it looks very similar to a movie: you run off with your first love, away from expectations and realities, away from consequences and opinions, in freedom, perfection, happily ever after. So I sit and think, do I stop this nonsense; dreaming? What do you do when your heart and head speak two different languages and fail to communicate?

.they leave you with the sound of white.

Chicago by Meg Allison
The Sound of White by Missy Higgins


Keep on keepin' on.