Jesus and Love.

Currently listening: Ben Rector, "Ready for Change"
Currently drinking: Mocha/vanilla/hazelnut Frapp
Currently enjoying: wearing Chaco's again

Greetings from this Hill. It's a 60 degree February day. An opportunity to break out the Chaco's, atleast for a little while. It feels good to let these feet breathe.

Lately my conversations have included talks about faith....truth...Jesus.....love. And in that, questions about what is right and wrong. And what is the correct way to conduct ministry. Always, the answer to these complex and controversial issues ends up being "Jesus" or "love." Nice and simple. I pull those answers all the time. But really, what does that mean? Because two very different answers scream in my ears:

A churh condemns homosexuals, pushing them to change or go to hell, in the name of "love"....claiming telling the truth is love. They invade politics, hoping to save more babies and keep marriage sacred.....in the name of Jesus. Others take the other side of Jesus....the merciful, accepting Jesus, to reach out to poor people and spend time taking care of the environment. But be careful to offend people. It's important to be socially accepted. Both are expressed in rather polarized ways. Both sides have valid points and claim "their way" is the way of "Jesus," of "love." But is Jesus one or the other?

Jesus hates sin. That's clear in the Bible. But He is around it too....He's around the sick, gross, smelly, bad-mouthed people, God-hating people. How does He do that? He is peaceful and accepting even though He is holy and righteous. Deserving of more than anything we have to offer.

How do we act this out? People need to hear truth, right? But people also need to be loved. Is there a way to do both? They must go together somehow. I don't think we've figured it out yet.

Perhaps both contain an essence of Christ's character. But should be have to "choose" or go to complete extremes? There must be a way to live this out. Like Jesus. The real one...not the one we make Him out to be to conform to our world....but the Son of God. The One that came to save us.

Faith can become such a complex...rationalized....thought-out thing. Indeed, I think it should be. Deconstructing one's beliefs is important to come out liberated and confident of truth. But the process is uncomfortable and leaves on fairly insecure. The reason what seems to be such a simple truth can be overwhelming and complex in our human minds is because I believe God is so much bigger and mightier than any of our intellects could understand. God is bigger than our arguments. God is bigger than "who is in and who is out."

This is when recognize the time to throw up our hands and surrender. There is so much we don't know. So stop claiming that you have it....because right when you do, God becomes less God and you become your own.

I am put in my place. I am humbled. I am weak. His truth must shine in this life. His love needs to pour out of me. Because I am incapable of doing any of this living on my own.

Surprisingly, I find this all unconventionally....beautiful.

This is what I think about when I eat powdered donuts

Currently listening to: Damien Rice. Thriving Ivory.
Currently reading: Through Painted Deserts

"I don't know who I am without you. All I know is that I should." -Missy Higgins

A shout out to all of you who have been in relationships before. It is quite the deal. Even 2 years after you have called it quits, it can still be a big deal. A mystery to me, that's for sure. What is it with this human love thing that brings so many people together for a pseudo happiness that leaves you empty? Even knowing the awful results, you do it over and over again. It's like this black hole that continues to suck me in (shout out to astronomy folks who have studied black holes). What's up with me doing shout outs? Anyway. He has been in the back of my mind for all this time...just hanging out, displaying the fact that I have not cut the tie. I know a big decision is around the corner for me: letting go. Easy said. Very not easy done. I have been on this path many times....only to realize I have been going in circles. Ok. Time to get out, Liz.

I recently developed a new concept of freedom. Freedom is when you have given up all your rights to yourself....your desires....life. God has them and you are empty handed. It's no longer your responsibility to control the matters of your life; it's His. So you don't have to worry! This leaves us free to simply follow. Trust. Be free.

I yearn for that.

You know, I tried to think of ways I could write about this guy thing without actually being honest....avoiding sounding like a 13-year-old girl writing her diary out on Xanga for the world to see.......or you know, the tricky blogesk kind of writing....like parables or something. But that frame of mind is a rarity in a brain like mine. So--it is what it is, says the communication major who has been taught to state the facts.

A glimpse into my life.

The day before Christ was born

Currently eating: italian cookies
Currently never listening to again: Christmas music
Currently dreaming of: leading worship

Christmas Eve traditions are complete. Our over-filling dinner of ham and fixings has passed with much groaning and saying "I will never eat again." Singing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus was sung loudly by all the grandkids. I insistently asked them what the three candles on the angel food cake represented, encouraging the spiritual, deep meaning to all the things we do in this family and carrying the tradition of my grandma. After the "Larry, Curly and Moe" jokes subsided, I re-explained the idea of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and that's what the three candles represent. We then attended the Christmas Eve service at church as a whole family just like every year.

We are now sitting around the fire discussing the matters of the day, waiting for Christmas to come. I devistatingly watched my mom fill stockings for the grandkids tonight. Devistating is the word I use to describe this because this is my childhood revealed...this is what they did every Christmas Eve? Ah. I'm old. I remember the days when I would immediately go to bed after service, being told that the earlier you go to sleep, the quicker Santa comes, and in the morning, waking up to stockings full of chapstick, deoderant, gum, and other necessities. This is the first year we don't have stockings. Welcome to adulthood.

There is nothing about adulthood that seems attractive right now. Having to make my own decisions with the fear of owning all the consequences to them, good or bad, makes me sick to my stomach. I mean I do it now, but adulthood is like being released and pushed out of any last comfort that is left at the age of 21. This time next year, I will be done with my exams....classes....backpacks....forever. And my future will be in my hands. Gross. Just gross. Is this real? Take it back. All those times I wished I were older. I take it back. Let me be forever 21.

Ok. So I am frustrated. Because all day today I have thought of things, experienced feelings, that are blog-worthy. But now, I am drawing blanks, or just lacking the umph to continue with taste. So here are the end of my thoughts:

I am thankful for my health. It's indescribable feeling this way. The Lord is faithful.

It's funny the way you are around your family. I've been observing this lately. I am the youngest redhead that looks nothing like her siblings and is the smartest, most driven and musical of the family. Don't worry, this is what they tell me. I am not that conceited. I tend to be the quieter helper around here. That's how I feel anyway. That's all about that.

I am ready to pursue my music. For real.

I have some serious New Year's resolutions this year.....I never do that. But I have some serious make-overing to do in many areas. I am ready for a new Liz with the intent of finding the real Liz somewhere in there.

Well... Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad and most importantly, Happy Birthday, Jesus.

***Fun fact of the day: My dad and I "You tubed" Santana music today in order to find the English translation to his song, "Oye como va." Heard it? This is what it means: "How's it goin? My rythme is good for partying, babe." It repeats that through the whole thing. Dang, Santana, you are clever.

Ramblings of an overcaffeinated redhead.

Currently listening to: Snow Patrol
Current addiction: coffee
Current breakthrough: singing in front of people

I am a passionate person. I am very extreme. If I am craving M&M's, I have to eat the whole bag. If I am going to wash my dishes, I am going to clean my whole room. If I am going to read a book, I am going to finish that book in a day, by golly jeepers. So with this, I go through different fads I guess you could say. Blogging for example. I will probably blog every day during the break. I am just in the mood. I wasn't a month ago. But heck, I am now. So I am going to blog. It's like something hits me and turns on my urge to write so a million people around the world or maybe even none can read my chasing thoughts, my pointless ponderings.

I have been visited by the blog fairy.

Usually the cause for blogging is I go through a phase of reading a lot. Reading always inspires me to write out my thoughts. But I would not categorize myself as a reader. I am not a fan of fiction....I am working on that one. But when I finally find books I like, I devour them and talk about them for weeks. I love it. It makes me feel smart.

I have recently observed that I get this trait from my mom. My mom has put our family through every health kick or diet, depending on whether no-carbs are in or not and what book she is reading that week. At times carbs were bad. Other times, it was the sugar. Organic. No yeast. Name it. Done it.Sometimes the new trend comes from a "gal at work" or something Oprah said.

There was a time when she would drink nothing but Diet Coke. Then at some point in time I blinked and opened my eyes to find that she hated Diet Coke and loves Coke. Now the only thing she drinks is Coke. She even converted to the Pepsi side for awhile. She is back the the classic Coca-Cola now. When mom sits down at the end of the day, she knows that she deserves that Coke and bag of chips. She loves the crunch of those chips. She will savor every crunch of those Kettle cooked Lays without a glimpse of guilt. And I love that.

Mom wants to enjoy her dessert. She will not waste her calories on just any ol' rush of sweetness. She wants her pie homemade, heated up, and with ice cream melted on top. If you are going to go, you go all the way. I also have inherited this way.

I love it when mom gets excited....when she is in her element. It's usually when she is doodling, painting, crafting, creating in any sort of way. Her mind just goes and she is in another world. It's beautiful. Truly beautiful. I hope she allows herself to stay in that place. She deserves that joy all the time.

So I just went on a rant about my mom. And I know that I could continue. After awhile, you realize you know your parents pretty well....right down to every little habit. I want to write a book about my parents. I just decided that as I typed out those words. Alright. Better get started.

Oh wait, I had other thoughts. Wait, no. That should just go in another blog. Ah. Here I go rambling again making the end of this awkward like talks with nursing majors about sex. Of course I've never done that.

Viva.

The F-bomb, hanging bras and Christmas traffic

Currently reading: Cold Tangerines
Currently eating: Apple Jacks w/ Rice Milk
Currently enjoying: catching up with old friends

Today I made the mistake of partaking in the stupidest decision too many people make on the Saturday before Christmas....going to the mall. Ok, I feel everyone must experience this atleast once in their life, but never again. I sat in a long line of cars for 45 minutes and moved maybe 20 feet. Ok, I have no idea if that estimation is even near accurate, but it's the first thing that came to mind. Hope it makes my point. It wasn't until I found myself sandwiched bumper to bumper between a thousand cars filled with caffeinated, stressed out shoppers who imagine they are the only people in a hurry to get out of there, that I realized what I had gotten myself into.

When stuck in traffic, one is able to fit in some much needed people watching time. I saw a few drop the F-bomb. It's funny you just know it when you see it. It's the way their eyes rage and lips curl up when you know that a very vile 4-letter word has just escaped their mouth. I also saw a very nice Volvo with what looked like very normal, friendly people inside. Nothing strange about the scene until I took notice of the white bra hanging from their rear view mirror...........? It was like finding Where's Waldo in his red-striped shirt among Gothic people without glasses, dressed in black. It just didn't fit.

Within this 45 minute traffic experience, I encountered several emotions. This is understandable for anyone, but especially for one who recently finished finals, just wanted to run in to buy a quick pair of jeans which didn't happen because I am in between sizes and insecure about my weight to say the least, and I was late to a coffee date with an old friend. At one point I found myself screaming.....you know I am not joking.....during the hysterical moments. Laughing when it got past the point of sanity. And cussing in my head to the people who I saw pass me, laughing and enjoying themselves with the loved ones in their car, like it was Christmastime or something. There is no worse feeling than wasting 1/3 tank of gas (again, another made up figure) by partaking in a rather materialistic, vein tradition and being seen with all the shop-a-holics that do weird things like wake up at 3 in the morning to shop the day after Thanksgiving and wait in line to return all their gifts at Wal-Mart the day after Christmas. You know, it's just not healthy. And you would think I would catch myself before doing such a thing today, but for some reason it did not cross my mind.

After my adventure, I had coffee with an old friend, actually, a girl I used to disciple in high school. Our interaction reminded me of the deep need for community, to be understood, and the value of the seeds we sow. It was refreshing and encouraging. She is doing amazing considering some unfortunate events in her life. She is positive, determined, and seeing the Lord work throughout the situations in her life. It's wonderful to see that. It really is.

So I am sitting in a quiet home, staring at a Christmas tree covered with old paper wreaths and felt stocking ornaments. My brain is still settling it's thoughts after a rather rough few months. I survived yet another semester in college. It's an accomplishment I hope to make 2 more times. Possibilities for life after college have aggressively charged through my mind. I allow them some time, but place them on hold for awhile in order to enjoy this very moment. To be here. To be present. To not miss it.

Here is the part where I make some witty conclusion to this whole experience. This is where I get insecure of my blogging abilities and throw my hands up to my fellow English major, clever, intelligent bloggers who read a lot. Props to you. I just can't find it in me to sit here another 10 minutes and think about how it would be fitting to end my post.

So....It is what it is.

Saturday Ponderings

Currently listening to: Pandora radio, Missy Higgins station
Currently into: pumpkin pie and working out
Currently feeling: sleepy

I haven't blogged a sufficient amount lately compared to the amount of content that my brain has been processing the past few weeks. There's just so much I have been thinking about lately. And you know, I feel blog inadequate right now to wittingly write out and organize all my thoughts for you. So here's a choppy low-down. To the core.

I have a fear of getting old.
I have a sugar addiction. Really.
I can't get over someone.
I love playing the piano.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life in a year.
Is there really someone out there that is perfect for me? Because I doubt.

And I have been needing the Lord to remind me of the short amount of time we have here. Because a reality check would get me back on board. A reality check would begin a much needed transformation in me.

Enough talking. Off to discovery....

Some life.