Expecting the Unexpected

Currently setting the mood with: Elizabethtown Soundtrack

The more I live, the more adventure I find. I am learning to be ok with not knowing where my next step will lead me. Or why it's there?

"My bags are packed" I guess you could say and "I am leaving on a jet plane" very soon. A day. I have commited a summer to the high mountains of Colorado where I will bask in the glory of God's creation. I will meet new people and experience a time of simple living. Of serving. Of purely loving. And I am excited, particularly because I don't know what's going to happen. i am ready to learn what God has to teach me.

I write this blog simply to take a deep breath....

*BREATH*

And proclaim that I am ready for my next......

Some wild rice

It's 9:00 p.m. and I am thinking about going to bed. So I thought I would take this rare occasion to capture the current state of mind of the Lizinator (thanks Becca). Because considering it's 9:00 p.m. on a nice summer night, there has to be something weird going on inside of me. I will investigate this with you.

Today I felt like a mom. I wanted exercise + to be outside = let's go for a walk. By myself. This part is fine. But at a glance I think my new haircut can look like a mom in her thirties...the short flippy-ish hair. And I didn't have an iPod to look like I was on a serious venture for burnt calories. I just went on a casual spin. But I don't like my neighborhood. Do you know how many teenagers drove by me? It reminded me of high school and I suddenly realized that I was pissed, not enjoying my rejuvenating movement. I thought, "Oh my goodness, these kids I graduated with are going to think I am an overweight drop-out walking around the neighborhood while they speed off with their evening plans." While on my walk, I also reminded myself of the fact that I do not want to be old. Or overweight. Neither one of those look good on women. But by the mothers I saw on my walk, it's the way things fall into place? Figuratively speaking of course.

I then came home and sat on the couch with my parents. They read the paper. I read a book. Please stop being jealous of my rambunctious party life.

So my new favorite food is the sweet potato.

I read 90 pages in a book today. Tim Keel's Intuitive Leadership. I never read books. But I think the book caught me in a contemplative, receptive, studious mindset. Lucky thing.

God's been really good to me lately. I had the chance of being diagnosed with sickness, but God spared me. I am taking this second chance at health to conquer and rock at it. And in the midst of some crappy circumstances, I have been in tune with God more clearly than ever before. I guess you could say I am pretty sold out on the guy.

Here's to an early night.

Hidden Veins.

My thoughts right now are as follows:

The doctor is putting me on steroids. How should I react to this? I just read a book where the guy taking it for the same reasons had hallucinations.....next time you see me I might look like Hulk Hogan.

Hospitals are awkward. There's nothing pleasant about a gown, moaning patients in the room next to yours, having hidden veins so the nurse has to poke you 45 times, hospital food, nurses that don't speak English, having to drink foreign liquids so that your intestines can glow for the x-ray. Everyone in the Emergency room suffers from "pitty eye syndrome." I have made this diagnosis. Everyone that comes in is convinced they are dying. They come in with an exaggerated limp or groan. They want to convince the nurse at the front desk that they are the one that needs the most urgent care. The patients all sit there, moping in their problems, staring at each other, figuring out what everyone else is there for, giving them the "pity eye," that he or she is far more in danger than the other. And the verdict is announced when the nurse comes to collect a patient. Since the ER goes in order of emergency, the boy with the gushing blood running from his forehead gets to go before the girl with the soar throat. Who knew.

The poor nurses that tried to insert my IV must have hated me. Because I have the worst IV veins ever. I am convinced that upon arrival at the hospital, they get scared and bury themselves as far away from my skin as possible. And they shrink to the size of thread so that they have to bring in 4 different people to try to do it. In the end, I get a few blown out veins and a bruise.

I have spent enough time in the hospital this weekend to make the funniest observations. I should write a book.

In the midst of a very frustrating situation, I am learning to take joy. I know that the Lord has His hand upon me and will continue to provide all my needs according to His riches and glory.

He has never broken his promises. And I know He won't this time.

Like a Machine

I am a machine.

Let me explain....

I have been franticly writing application, typing papers, studying subjects that I have devoted four years of my life to. I haven't stopped. I sit here, eyes glued to the laptop, earphones in, iTunes pumpin, and only move to charge the battery on my laptop because it's been 4 hours.

This is my break: blogging, graham crackers, and Daphne Loves Derby. Yes! Saturday night!

Yesterday I decided to spend my summer in Westcliffe, Colorado, on top of a mountain. I will be a "programmer." Important sounding. Well I am excited. It was a spontaneous but peace-felt decision. Ok I leave for Honduras 2 days after schools over. 3 days after that, I leave for Colorado. I will get back and come back to school a week later. Rock on. I'm livin' it.

If you care, now I am eating chocolate chips and enjoying the music of Kelly Clarkson.

And I am tired. I might be going crazy. This is what college does to you.

My hand just got stuck in the bag of chocolate chips.

On the floor

Straight up. There's a lot we don't understand.

the death of unborn babies
suicide
anorexia
depression
poverty
pain
suffering

I find myself confused, frustrated, moved by the hurt I see. I cry and weep for the unfair circumstances. I feel determined yet helpless at the great need that lies around me. And for so long, for such a time, I was blind to it. I didn't care. I hid my eyes from the despair. And for those who still find themselves gazing into only the reflection of their ignorance and selfishness, my heart....hurts.

Open our eyes.

And when I am alone, filling the floor with my tears, hearing my heart moved with compassion and mercy, I realize that it's His love that is working in me. This need I see....this pain I feel....this love I feel for them....it's His love that is manifesting in me. Maybe I understand His love. Maybe, after time and time again, living in my selfishness, I have stopped and finally....received His love. Here I am. I get it.

Love.

In it....I find peace. And in it I overflow.

Endorphins

What is it about endorphins? What makes going for a run or kissing a boy so refreshing? I know when I am stressed I can do either one of those things and be great. (The boy thing-KIDDING.)

Tonight I found myself indifferent. Nothing, absolutely nothing, sounded good. No food (well I did get a sudden craving for Mexican....), person, or place felt right. I wanted to go out but was too exhausted. I wanted to hang out in the dorm but all I can think about here is the homework I should be doing right now. It's like a restless night of sleep; I just can't get comfortable. I roamed around a little bit....found myself in the cafeteria eating beans and rice and then in the chapel releasing my soul on the piano. Then I watched a movie. Notting Hill to be exact. This was a successful decision. Then I went for a run, aka enjoyed my endorphin rush. Now I am engaging in some major procrastination telling you about my most uneventful Friday night.

2 weeks of classes + finals until summer. All I want to do is lay by a pool and gain my summer freckles. I miss them. Well what I really want is to do NOTHING. College life is insane. Wait, let me rephrase, William Jewell college life is insane. I don't know what it is....whether it's the unhealthily high GPA's shoved in your face or the massive amount of homework the Spanish department gives you, or the screaming residents on your hall the night before. College life here is like 10 years of life and things to do jammed into a 4 year period. I am halfway done.

I have never been to New York. But right now, I think I am in the mood for New York.

That reminds me of one of my favorite songs:

"Live in New York City once but leave before it makes you hard. Live in northern California once but leave before it makes you soft." -Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen

I am going to sit here listening to Brett Dennon and staring at a Spanish paper over immigration while soaking up the number of released endorphins rushing through my body. I feel better. I have written this blog, and I feel better.

Night.

The Sound of White

Forgive me for the long lapse in blogs. I know you have been wondering about me. Excuse me while I tweak my iTunes to play a song of my choice....

Internal Dialogue:
"What fits the mood? Not Hanson...or Josh Groban....or John Mayer....no Brett Dennen for the moment. Got it! Jessica Andrews, oldschool, 'Helplessely, Hopelessly.' Good tune. Set."

My latest:

-4 weeks until I am completed with my second year of college. I am pretty numbed by it.
-We put my dog to sleep last week. RIP Emma Rose.
-Am currently figuring out my life, aka where I will work this summer, and what country I want to live for 4 months of my life (study abroad).
-Am leaving for Honduras in 30 days and have my whole trip paid for.
-Bought a new phone today.
-Am going to a formal tonight, downtown, with my beautiful friends. DANCE DANCE.

Now listening to: Stupid Boy by Keith Urban

My randomness:

-I want to cut my hair like a boy.
-Feel like living in a big city right now.
-Want coffee.
-Rather be in a make believe world where things happen the way you want them.

Referring to the comment above, I have realized that I, along with probably the rest of human kind, have created a world in my head for myself; the way I wish things would happen. Infact, it looks very similar to a movie: you run off with your first love, away from expectations and realities, away from consequences and opinions, in freedom, perfection, happily ever after. So I sit and think, do I stop this nonsense; dreaming? What do you do when your heart and head speak two different languages and fail to communicate?

.they leave you with the sound of white.

Chicago by Meg Allison
The Sound of White by Missy Higgins


Keep on keepin' on.