The Search for Words

I've moved in more ways than one

2010-01-09T15:19:00.000-08:00

Faithful readers,

I have not only moved to DC, but moved blog locations. Click on the link and continue to follow. I appreciate you!

http://lizzyellen.wordpress.com/

A series of events

2009-12-29T18:03:00.000-08:00

Post influences: Avatar, Brett Dennen, KC, Shane and Shane, the Cliq, a hazelnut mocha

I got a smart phone yesterday. A Motorola Cliq to be exact. Even I am starting to get creeped out by the things these gadgets can do. Buying this phone was like 8th grade when your parents couldn't help you with your homework anymore, Algebra was too much. My parents can't wrap their minds around it. So I researched the purchase myself. I must say, as happy I am about the purchase, I am one of "them" now. Plugged in, tuned in, wrapped up, slowly disconnecting from those around me with any form of technology that comes my way. And I am willing to spend buck on it all. I am an American. Come on. It's what we do.

Right?

Today I was driving down Broadway to get a latte with a friend when I glanced to the side of the street. I saw several people walking down the sidewalk, many homeless, which isn't unusual to see in the area. He was pushing his bicycle with his bag which carried his belongings in hand. It was bitter cold out. You could see this by the cold breath exiting his mouth.

My heart sunk deep into my chest.

I knew this man. Infact, I had sat down at a table with him just last month. I had broken bread with him. And like friends, we had conversations about sports, literature, politics. As I drove past him in my white SUV to endulge in my latte, I couldn't help my heart from being stirred; convicted you could say.

He was a friend I had made while spending time at Cherith Brook the past few months, a place that changed any idea I had about those that sleep under the stars every night. This moment founded some pondering today.

I just can't reconcile this in my life. Poverty. Those who are in need. Those who are broken....and me, with my college education, new technology and complaints about how life isn't fair to me. I am selfish. American. And I am, too, broken. In so many ways. On my way home I heard a song:

If You were hungry, would we give You food?
If You were thirsty, would we give You drink?
If You were a stranger, would we let You in?

What would be the song we'd sing to You when they're in need?
Would it be an empty hallelujah to the King?

What does it mean to them that we Christ-followers give our dollars to build bigger and better churches yet leave them sleeping under the overpass? And when we do help, what does it mean to create a system that shoves a plate of food in their face without a human connection; conversation; "hello, I acknowledge you, we are both human beings." What does it mean to them when we say we care but treat them like we don't?

All I know is I have a warm bed tonight, a shower in the morning accompanied by a hot breakfast. Gosh. There is such a disconnect.

What am I going to do with all of this?

.....I am figuring it out.

But my friends, we have much much to learn.

And they might be teaching us.

A New Christmas

2009-12-24T20:47:00.000-08:00

Currently finding: rest
Currently excited about: the purchase of my new camera
Currently sick over: the money it took to purchase my new camera

This year we did things differently. We did "Christmas" on Christmas Eve. It's before midnight and I am already done with Christmas. This is weird. But you know, this was one of our best times as a family. We all came out of it refreshed and not too annoyed. Score. We didn't do gifts this year, just for the little ones. But we still eat just as much food and sat around doing nothing. It's like illegal to do anything productive during the holidays. Every time I thought to do something that I could check off my to-do list, I stopped myself. And I just sat there. That's all you can really do, right? I mean some families play games and such. We just sit there. But I have this newly purchased camera to walk around with, taking candid pictures that annoy people. This was an unplanned purchase which is why my stomach hurts to think about spending the money. I sat on my other one. Broke the dang screen. Anyway, it's a great camera and I am sure it will do me good in DC. So many things to document.

We are a family tied to tradition and Christmas hilights these traditions. As time passes and the family grows and changes, we have to let go of some....all awhile, adapting new ones. And what I see in my family at every Christmas is that we have remained steady, hanging onto the traditions which mean so much and letting the others go. We still dress up and act out the story of baby Jesus....singing Happy Birthday to Jesus with angel food cake and 3 candles that represent the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.....we eat Pizzelles....we open one gift at a time. I love these things. Today I think about my grandma. She was the source of these traditions we follow. And although they have evolved and changed, as they should and have to, they keep the same heart. And I think it's beautiful. And now, we look forward to a new addition to our family next Christmas. My sister is having a long awaited baby. Next year, that baby will be with us. A new Christmas.

And I look back last Christmas Eve to my blog post, and I am able to see what I was feeling, anticipating this time, when I would be done with school, wondering what that would feel like....having the whole world in front of me. And yet, it's not as overwhelming as I imagined it to be. Because just like every other time in your life, you are always more prepared than you thought. God somehow, in the craziness of life, orchestrates you to be ready for the exact thing which he is leading you to. And getting ready for DC, with new relationships and experiences, feelings, challenges, I feel such hope. JOY. And so many other things...It's remarkable.

It feels like a new Christmas.... I am in a new state of mind, entering a new place as I watch my family beginning a new phase, getting ready for a new arrival. And with the white snow that will be covering the ground tomorrow when I awake, I can't help but be reminded that "He makes all things new" (Rev. 21:5).

Happy Birthday, Jesus....and thanks.

Put on the Christmas tunes, let's dance

2009-12-21T20:24:00.001-08:00

Currently listening to: Enter the Worship Circle
Currently feasting on: pizzelles
Currently dreaming of: all things DC

I am making lists....lists of to-do's before departure.....a list of books to read....of things to do in DC. I am making a list of people to see before leaving.....

This must be what retirement feels like. You sit in your chair, ready to think of the next thing you have to do, and when you realize it doesn't consist of the things you have emersed yourself in for so long, you feel naked--figuratively. I am sure an identity crisis is in my future. But at the moment, it's pretty fun to not have student things to do. I am partaking in some casual hobby-finding, ok, intense hobby-finding. But I figure I got college out of the way and there are several other things I want to accomplish...like learning how to cook, sew, how to exercise regularly, read more books, write more. I want to record more music. And you know, when I am done with that, I will miss school so much I will enter myself into grad school. Just because.

After 2 life-threatening moments of thinking my computer was crashing down, I devoted a signficant amount of time today saving everything I own onto a couple of little flashdrives. Those things look whimpy, but watch out, they can store your whole world. 8 GB of music, 8GB of pictures and another one full of documents I am too attached to delete. Ah, security.

I embraced a family tradition tonight. I dressed myself and my mom and dad in santa hats, put on the Luther Vandross Christmas cd and made pizzelles, an italian cookie and a Christmas tradition for our family. It's the same every year....same music, same hats, same roles. Mom makes the batter, dad handles the pizzelle iron, I take care of the music and hats (essential to the experience) along with eating them all as I go. I even hear the same things being said every year...."We should write what we changed down on the recipe so we remember it for next year"---we never do. So the first batch of pizzelles are either burnt, too soft or shaped funky. It takes a batch for dad to get the hang of it and to tweak it all to italian perfection. And you know, no one outside of our family likes them. When we were young, we always had our friends try the cookies, but they said it tasted like black licorice. While we make them, we dance. We glide and groove across the kitchen floor. And we never miss a beat. This is the Powell tradition.

I am going to bed now. Something a college alumni can finally do.

On the other side

2009-12-16T17:20:00.000-08:00

Currently packing: my dorm room
Current musical discovery: Kristene Mueller
Current status: alumni

So this is that awkward comeback from a long blog silence. I feel nervous, I feel kinda unknown. And I wonder why I haven't blogged in almost a month? Maybe I thought you didn't want to hear my pitty parties. Perhaps I was embarassed as to what I have been actually feeling. Or maybe I had no idea on how to express. The latter is mostly true. So I present myself to you...on the other side of student, in official terms that is.

So I graduated. I am done with college. When I talk about it now, it will be in the past tense. I will talk about what once was. I will remember.... And remember fondly. Just in case, I began making a list of different books to read and hobbies to pick up if I find myself freaking out in about a month. Having a 9-5 job will give me ample time to do some things I have been putting off. Then again, that sounds extremely idealistic. I will probably find myself just as busy. You know, I might like being busy. Ewe. I just sounded so American. Simplicity, I will find you soon.

What does it mean to say good-bye to friends you have shared life with for the last 3 1/2 years? When I look them in the eye to say good-bye, I replay our favorite moments. When my eyes well up in tears when I look at them, it's for them being such a significant part of my experience here. When I thank them, it's for influencing my entire life with just 3 1/2 years. When I say I will miss them, I mean I will miss having dinner with them every night. I will miss dressing up in costumes and putting on dance parties. I will miss late night conversations about faith and justice. I will miss worshipping with those that don't have to agree with me to understand me. I will miss being understand. Ah, yes, that is it. Being understood. Being able to question and not judged. Being able to doubt and still believe. Being able to mend faith and science. Here I found beauty. Leaving here raises so many more questions.

And yet I was reminded yesterday...."GO."

It sounds so familiar. That voice. I recognize that voice....from another season. And I remember.

So I respond willfully. I reply joyfully. I walk obediently.

And full of faith, I believe "He provides food for those who fear him; he remembers his covenant forever." Psalm 111:5

Amen.

The little things

2009-11-27T11:42:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to: Michelle Branch, “You get me”
Currently digesting: Thanksgiving dinner and leftovers
Currently into: stretching

Today’s Thanksgiving. I ate a lot of turkey, took a lot of pictures, ate leftovers of the turkey and watched some football. I am somehow encouraged. How this happened particularly, I am not quite sure. But from the combination of family interactions, naps, movies watched, conversation and reflecting on what’s important on a day like Thanksgiving, I have found some reassurance of who I am and who I want to be. Ah, finding revelations in the little things. You can always count on me to find some spiritual relevance in a movie or sentimental point to a situation. Come on though, this is why I blog.

Today I found the belief that I can be absolutely loved, cared for, appreciated and pursued by someone of the male species. It’s lame, but it’s through little scenes in a movie (“Mall Cop,” oh my gosh I can’t believe I just admitted that) or seeing myself react to a conversation a certain way that I find glimpses of hope and that I am perfectly content with where God has my love life. It’s when I hear friends talk about their desire to have kids (I mean, really?) and yearning for a relationship that I have found myself pretty content and focused recently (not saying I will enjoy those things when they come….the kids thing could wait). This is also to say I change day by day, but you know this so I will shut up about that. It’s just that like every other part of my life, I see how God prepares and equips us for the various seasons of our lives, and I see him doing it for me right now and it just so happens that right now my heart is taking it easy, letting go of the distractions that I so easily place in front of me regarding boys and my feelings. I am feeling secure and in tact for DC. Wow, as I say that I wait for you to laugh because as you go through my posts you see that this feeling changes. Think about this with me though. Perhaps my emotions over the past few months and the inner part of me are different. Maybe I feel at peace, security and confidence about where I am. It’s just that I struggle with fear, doubt and crying a lot (Oh my, we watched the movie “Up” too. That’s an emotional movie). But those aren’t to say I don’t have faith. Faith I do have.

So I stretched tonight, along with flossing my teeth….two habits of which I hope to keep. If it takes 30 days to break a habit, how long does it take to start one? More endorphins, healthy muscles, less plaque. That’s what I am going for.

A pre-written post for ya

2009-11-27T11:39:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to: Alexi Murdoch
Currently thinking about: going to sleep at 7:00 p.m.
Current city: Moberly, Missouri

I think the best thing to do right now is write. Typing away these letters seems to be my only option of expression at the time, giving me a technology fix and a way of communication which a girl like me enjoys from time to time. I am a few miles out of town, in a place where WIFI does not reside. I keep working to get on the neighbors’ wireless connections, but everyone has their security codes in action so people like me can’t hack off their system I guess. My connection to the world has been shut off. I sheepishly admit that I feel naked and insecure without being able to pull up Google and check my E-mail 10 times a day. So I guess this kind of technology abandonment is a good thing. And hey, you get a premeditated blog written on Microsoft Word with spell check rather than a spur of the moment post. Positive sides to everything, eh?

I feel like people expect you to feel a certain way when you graduate college. I think they think you should feel a certain way leaving to go to a really cool place. I don’t know that they even know what I should feel, but everyone knows whatever “it” is, it should feel significant. So when I don’t feel anything in particular, what an annoying disappointment. I talk through future plans with people like a robot. It’s not that I am not feeling excited, it’s that I have a thousand other emotions fighting for attention at the same time. So I freeze. In fear, I freeze. It’s like I am talking about it with my head, anxiously waiting for the rest of my senses to catch up.

Do you ever have moments where you see how much your parents have aged? It happens when you look at old pictures and see your dad 30 lbs lighter and with dark brown hair parted on the side instead of grey speckled hair and a receding hairline or you realize your mom didn’t stay age 40 all of these years or it’s when your parents can receive senior citizen benefits at Golden Corral (I don’t actually know if this is true). It’s when you think about how your parents have spent 36 years together and your grandparents married over 50 years. These days I value the wisdom, appreciate the commitment and am found astonished at such longevity in some human beings.

With the kind of stuff I read in health magazines, it doesn’t look like my body is going to see much on the side of longevity, and if so, it’s because of drugs that keep my body artificially functioning and age-defying shots to my face to cover the reality of all this. With the way we treat our bodies, they are already ruined. Our generation is going to be leathered skin, addicted, obese, impersonal and the worst of communicators, always plugged in to some form of the newest technology. We won’t believe in marriage because we couldn’t imagine being with only one person for all those years and commitment and loyalty will vanish from our vocabulary. Debt will be our middle name because we can’t say no and we want it right now.

It’s like if I just sit here quiet for a moment I can hear my body dying. I can feel it as my joints start stiffening, my varicose veins arise, my chest starts sagging, the fat on my legs starts curdling and I look to those in their mid 40’s right now and think, wow, is that really going to be me? It’s obvious that I have self control problems. I can’t stop from eating whatever form of sugar is in front of me. The problem with this is that while people in other countries die from not having any food at all, we die because we have too much and can’t control ourselves with it. We love to indulge and I hate that. I know about health, about risks, about good habits that I don’t have. I’ve read about the statistics and I’ve experienced little victories with temporarily developed healthy habits myself. What I can’t understand though is why I can’t stay in control. Sometimes I blame this on my extreme personality. I will either go one way or the other. There’s no balanced life here, it’s one extreme or it’s the complete opposite. Or maybe it’s not this, but this mediocrity that I am living that is driving me nuts. Who knows.

I find that the ultimate idea behind it is that we are completely mortal. How sucky….how real. Our bodies are dying and we are all stuck finding ways to hang onto them as long as we can. Yeah, it’s depressing for most of us to look in the mirror naked when we get ready in the morning, but heck, it happens to the best of us, right? My value as a woman is inside of me, not on the outside (praise God). I have to remember this…every single morning when I get up. And I thank God that I am an overanalyzing and over reflecting individual where I can ponder on these things and not an artificial and materialistic-minded person overlooking it. Because I think I can go somewhere with this mindset. I think I can use this as momentum for a richer experience here, knowing my focus is on a Hope elsewhere.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day….so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen in temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16

Liz is like a box of chocolates

2009-11-18T21:13:00.001-08:00

Currently listening to: David Crowder and Patty Griffin
Currently drinking: water
Currently taking: long prayer walks in the cold

You never know what you are going to get.

When you ask me, I might tell you I am excited about this "next chapter in my life." I might be thrilled of the "great opportunities" that await me. Or I might be scared out of my mind of what is going to happen. I may be sad when you say hi to me because you made me realize I am going to miss seeing you too much.

Be careful when you find me. You might get a "ooooooohhhhh girl" in the dorm, a "wasuuuuuup" if you are on the baseball team or some version of a weird noise if I don't know what to say to you or how to express my thought. And really, you might be the sucker who catches me at the brink of crying because I have developed the habit of being able to break down in tears at absolutely any moment.

This is the truth of the moment.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." Ecclesiastes 3:11

Some heart felt words

2009-11-12T18:42:00.001-08:00

Currently listening to: Enter the Worship Circle
Currently feeling: fisty
Current favorite lyric: You are the only faithful one

Sitting down to blog is like hitting the jackpot. This is exactly what I feel like doing right now. And I feel like I have so many things to say and I uniquely feel like saying exactly what I mean. Here's a disclaimer for mispelled words. There were a few I questioned but don't feel like Dictionary.com-ing them. Cuz I do what I want. Experience the rawness.

Some inner fisty red-head thing came out tonight. I saw something rise up in me, a youthful voice to a bunch of old people. I saw a confidence in me, a yearning to be heard. It wasn't as profound as it sounds, it just felt like it to me. Conclusion: I never want to be in the corporate scene. It's cold, ugly and impersonal. Will money ever have less value in this world than it does now (figuratively, not literally)? I am overwhelmed with purpose tonight. Through a frustrating few moments, I feel a little more centered and determined to be what is really inside me.

I am also feeling socially overwhelmed. I know these nights are coming. It's an inevitable arrival of an ever-so-extra-extravert. If you want to see this extravert at her peek and her breaking point, see me stop for 20 conversations in the cafeteria. Overwhelming (I am using that word a lot tonight) to say the least. It's nothing I've never felt before. I have reached my giving out max from the last few weeks. I peeked at a project deadline. I have lacked any sufficient sleep or relaxing mornings in bed. This is the place one comes to. You lock the door, turn down the lights, turn on the therepeutic tunes (Enter the Worship Circle tonight), and you write. You write until you hit your core, then you find your beautiful brokenness. When the reality hits, you cry and this gives you a sense of release. Then you lay your head down to sleep a good sleep. You wake up the next day reflected and renewed. It's rather beautiful and a cycle I have come to appreciate because it's where I find center in my life. It's more than just a physically tired break down, but a psychological analysis of my life and where it's headed. Of my needs. My ugliness. My beauty. My desires and my realities. It's a reminder of God's faithful character in an unfaithful world. Ah, my Hope.

People just want to be understood. I want to be understood. I have told you this before, but it's been seen true in my relationships recently. It's awful to find that I hold unrealistic expectations for people to understand me. When I find that there are very few that do this, I get frustrated. But really, is there really any faithful one here on earth? No one but the Lord. That's my conclusion as of right now and I think where I stand at this point. There is no one like Him and when am I ever going to stop looking.

Logistically and more light-heartedly, preparations are being made to spend Winter/Spring in Washington, D.C. I have of course already beeing brainstorming what a blog will look like in that situation. A new season, a new blog? Thinking.

I have officially checked out of the schoolwork area of school. Big research deadline has been survived....5 weeks isn't enough to keep me intent. I seem to be checking out and doing it quickly.

That's it for my post. Thanks.

This is my 100th post

2009-11-06T21:00:00.001-08:00

Currently listening to: The Weepies
Currently making: decisions
Currently into: my somewhat long fingernails

So here are some memorable moments with some pretty memorable people.

This is what I just did and it's late at night. Yes.

I also had my first newspaper article published in the college paper today. This is a perfect way to celebrate my 100th blog post. With some late night calories (see above), wonderful people in my life and a debut article for the world to see. Although, to be honest, they won't appreciate me the way you all do. You have been with me since the beginning. So cheers....to you! My blog readers.

Finding words for this

2009-11-01T16:25:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to: Death Cab for Cutie
Currently digesting: a Sunday sundae
Currently feeling: cynical

I find it extremely difficult to live in such a broken world. There is a chance to get hurt at any moment. This idea terrifies me. I don't know how to live without the fear of getting screwed in the long run. I guess when things begin to cycle in your life a certain way, you hesitate to even give it another shot. Because every time I try, the result is the same. The feelings are there. The hurt remains.

I serve Jesus who restores me. I know this. I trust this. It's at times like these that I understand even more fully that He really is the only one in whom I can hope. But I find myself believing in people too much. Hoping they will be the one that finally understands me. Wrong again. Thanks for the reminder.

The feeling of embarassment and "I told you so's" flood my mind. Maybe this is the place people get to when they throw their hands up and stop fighting. Maybe that's where I am at. I might throw my hands up after this post because I suck at controlling my life. I have evidence to prove it.

Why are we so human. Seriously. It's getting so old.

Feel like a coffee house inside

2009-10-23T21:27:00.001-07:00

Currently listening to: Rob Pattinson
Current musical discovery: The Postal Service (don't say I told you so)
Current mood: musical and my insides feel warm

I have hesitated to blog lately. It could be the idea that I want to spare my vulnerability. It almost feels affair-like when I engross myself so much into these things. This doesn't reflect the time I spend on my posts (15 minute max) but rather the deep emotion I tend to spend connecting with this expression. Donald Miller talks about this in his new book. Writers can spend so much time creating worlds and stories on paper that they lose the ability to live it. This is not the case with me. But at this point in time I want to be sharing these stories in person, face-to-face, coexisting with you and allowing real experiences to busy my life rather than investing face time with my laptop. Ah...balance. It is all about balance, isn't it.

I have also passed up many blogging moods because every post could be titled the same thing: "Liz is sentimental and reflective about her changing life because she is graduating in 0.2 seconds and wants to tell you about it." How annoying. It's in one of my conversations atleast every day. I know one can't ignore these kind of changes and the ways it oozes in and out of your daily happenings, but come on, it's like a girl that refers to her boyfriend in every story. I know that is annoying.

I am beginning to look forward to post-graduation with gladness, hopefulness. When things start to fall into place at this point I get giddy. The word I use right now for the way I feel is thrilled. I am very very excited. More to come.

The question of the day was how often do you cry. When asked this, someone said once a month, another said a few times a year.....and me?

I said 3 times a week. I mean really.

Seeing it as beautiful

2009-10-18T20:38:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: The Postal Service
Currently learning how to: eat grapefruits
Currently feeling: endorphins

I just went on a long, late night walk with a friend. Don't you love those? I feel good.

Life is pretty raw right now. There's nothing fake or imaginary about it. Nothing easy about it either. It's going incredibly fast and hard decisions await me. Those of you who know me well understand that I hate making decisions, let along ones that really matter.

I am healthily learning what is good for me and what is not. This goes beyond eating vegetables and exercise. This is about relationships. About lifestyles. About my choices. I am feeling a little more confident and a little more sure. These are good things to be feeling as I anticipate my future.

I am serious when I say that I don't know who I would be without the circumstances and relationships that have evolved during my time at Jewell. 50 years from now I will be telling my grandchild that college was the best time of my life. I will tell her that the people I met meant the world to me. The education enlightened me. The struggle refined me. I was privileged to have such an experience with such quality individuals. I will be able to say hey, I knew them. They are making a difference in the world, and I was able to eat dinner with them every day or have late night talks or dance parties with. They talked me through a break-up or listened to me complain about my Spanish teacher. They listened to me laugh...loud. They watched me dance by myself in the middle of an empty room. They appreciated my piano playing. They let me borrow hair clips and gave me nursing advice. They wrote me notes because they know I appreciate them and most importantly, they pointed me towards Christ and gave me grace to doubt when I wasn't sure that was where I wanted to go. These will be my stories. There will be plenty. And you know, people will probably get sick of them. But that's ok. And hey, maybe the stories will make it in a book someday.

My goodness, this all is just beautiful.

It's blog time

2009-10-12T22:16:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Honey Honey
Currently eating: anything and everything. vanilla ice cream at the moment.
Currently feeling: sweat on my forehead from a kickin dance party

It's after midnight. Get ready. It's. Blog. Time.

It's so fun to be here at this time. Yesterday is no longer here. Today has just started. The hall is quiet. Things just become calm. Perhaps I deem this hour sacred because I don't see it much with my eyes open. I have a lot lately though. I have come to appreciate this hour, because it means I am spending as much possible time with the special people here. 2 months is the countdown. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. Don't feel sorry for me. I just need to talk about it.

My care free attitude over the past few weeks has me nervous. Of course it shouldn't. It's way healthy. But it makes you think some deadline is going to pop up in front of you, blindside you and knock you on the floor. I am laughing a little more, making dance parties happen, and looking into people's eyes a little more often. It's beautiful.

But for some reason tonight I could eat everything and not feel full. And choices are limited when you are stuck in a dorm. They range from putting peanut butter on rice cakes or peanut butter straight from the knife. I got sick of that so I went and stole ice cream out of the public freezer downstairs and hoarded it to my room. They won't know.

New music favorites: Alexi Murdoch, Keri Noble, Honey Honey

(Fill in the blank)

2009-10-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Damien Rice. I can't stop.
Currently drinking: hot tea
Currently seeking: wisdom

I figured I owed you a blog. I have been waiting for the right time to sit and type. The perfect time hasn't come, but this will do.

Life is moving at an unbelievable rate; a speed at which I am found extremely uncomfortable and unprepared. It's at moments like last night that I sit and Grand River Chapel and stare at the stained glass window ahead....locking my eyes into the intricate designs and colors......that the life that I have been running around frantically in comes swirling down onto my chest, thumping me hard and waking me up. And I experience silence. Stillness. Tears. All of a sudden I see what it's about, I see reality. I see what life is really about and the way I have been missing it. I see the condition of my heart and my need for a savior. I see my real fears and my deepest insecurities.

There's nothing perfect or flawless about life. It's full of humans with ugly hearts, seeking happiness and love from anyone and everything. We desire acceptance and we yearn for understanding. We lean on others who can't hold us up and we keep thinking that we can figure out a way to live a life where we call the shots. We lie to ourselves over and over again, patching up ours wounds and worsening the ones on others.

It's a heck of a time paving my way through life right now. I realize my hearts vulnerable and that scares the crap out of me. I realize I really do know nothing, and that nothing holds without the love of Christ. Perhaps this is a good place to be. Humbleness. My self deserves no credit or worldly satisfaction. My soul is yearning to escape the oppression around me. It's screaming for truth. And it's aware that my eyes do not see reality. My soul keeps me looking forward.... forward to the day where my faith shall be my eyes.

What a glorious day.

Well here i am

2009-09-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

Currently: adkfjalkdjf; mvnmc, mvcmnea;oojdkmd,klj;dafk;dioewo

I have been drinking a lot of hot tea lately, twirling my hair, and fighting off sicknesses swarming around campus right now. My voice is raspy. My eyes are puffy. And my head feel adrift in a cloud. Physically I am yearning for sleep; rest. Emotionally, I am seeking for the same thing.

My heart it panting for peace. If only I could lay this head down and know that everything in my life that seems to be running amok will be ok....my senior project will find its way to completion and stop hanging over my shoulders.....my future plans will find their way to the front.....and I will find a way to appreciate the time I have here. I would really like to do that. I loathe the fact that I can't do that. The moment my thoughts begin to marvel at the world around me, I wake up abruptly to my drill sergeant schedule alarming me to get back to my day. There's too much to do. And I don't think I can do it. Logically, picking this type of schedule was a stupid idea, seeming nearly impossible. And I am really sad about it. Emotionally, I am dealing with lifes general changes and decisions. Combined with being a girl and Liz at that, my eyes are teary and my soul is found in unrest.

My emotional throw up is this:

-I miss my friends, the ones that aren't near me geographically, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Some who have shifted their way to my past, I find it hard to let go. It's lonely to be without them now and it's hurting me to think about leaving a place full of dear ones and all of our memories.

My heart is heavy tonight. And I might leave it at that. Because there seems to be nothing else I can do.

If Donald Miller's words could be wedded, I would marry them.

2009-09-20T20:38:00.001-07:00

Currently savoring: a cherry Jolly Rancher and Arizona iced tea
Currently listening to: a lot of Andrew Bird
Currently thinking about: going to the Copeland concert

I have had a productive day. Homework is now at a stopping point. I have found a comfortable position on the couch. Music is at its peak. I can't stop twirling my hair. It's about to twist off. I have been inspired by the works of Donald Miller. It's time to blog, let's go.

.......................................................

..................................

.......10 minutes.

i can't remember what I was going to say.

You should read Don's blog. We're pretty tight: http://donmilleris.com/

90th post

2009-09-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Mindy Smith
Currently drinking: Lipton iced tea
Currently refreshed by: meaningful conversations

There is nothing easy about this graduating subject.....So much of what I enjoy is right here.

.the people.

I am surrounded by people that love, understand and have grace with me. They like who I really am. I have a community that is intentional and real about their humanness and their need for Christ. It's hard to know what to do with your emotions, your fears, your anxieties....what to do with your relationships once you are away from here. These are questions I am wrestling with in my mind.

And in this same change, I am taken away by how beautiful God has made this process of letting go of the things that I invested my heart and tears into. He finishes the work He starts, many times with people other than yourself. I believe that. Today I stepped back to notice people stepping out and allowing God use them to carry on the vision on this campus. It's wonderful seeing others be used by God. I couldn't be happier or more thankful. It's been awesome.

Really.

I am pretty calm right now. And quite collected. Strange. Perhaps I am feeling this peace that is talked about in the Bible.....that kind that surpasses all understanding. It's a unique feeling. And this peace comes at the strangest yet most opportune time to glorify God in His sovereignty and His faithfulness.

.....shrug.....

i don't know what else to say.

Always time for the blog

2009-09-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

Currently thinking about: networking, jobs, akfjd;ajfd;jie;jrnmdn.
Currently have: my hood pulled over my head
Currently listening to: Vanessa Carlton, whoa.

Disclaimer: Don't let this post stress you out

Don't ask to hang out, I don't have time for you. Don't ask me to complete service hours for every class I am in, because I don't have time. Don't ask me to speak or lead worship, when would I fit that into my schedule? I don't have time to apply for jobs, so don't tell me everything that I should apply to do. But.... more than likely.....if you ask me...... I will say YES. My problem, exactly. (don't take the hanging out thing personally. I would love to hang out with you. Really.)

The trick to this semester: organization, time management, all that we wish we were good at.

How I am going to do this, I have no idea. My last semester might just be my craziest semester in the world. Not at all what I was going for.

Ah, there is always time for self-discovery though, and blogging nonetheless. In my recent experiences I have learned some things:

I am detail-oriented
Not quite the ceramics type of gal, patience is the problem perhaps
Not a flirty gal either when it comes to the opposite sex
I don't like the taste of curry
Spanish is always a time consuming class to take
Anything cliche is annoying and stupid

Lord, teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

A deadline and Radio rejection

2009-09-09T19:59:00.000-07:00

Current favorite lyric: Your love is a melody my heart can't help but sing
Currently: wanting to go to bed early
Current favorite article of clothing: my hat

My forehead is permantly crunched in a permanent thinking position along with my abilities to type 3,489 words a minute and intake an unreasonable amount of caffeine. I had a 5:00 p.m. deadline. I turned my paper in at 4:59 p.m.

Oh college and deadlines. I conquered that beast.

Anyone who is familiar with Pandora knows the frustration of maxing out of your skipping privileges. After browsing through all of Matt Nathanson's radio station and not finding anything that suites, I get a pop-up that tells me I am too indecisive and cannot go on; I must stick with the song that is on (like I didn't know my inability to make decisions). And so I get on the Snow Patrol Pandora station to give listening another try....I don't like the first song. This is not a big deal, so I go to click the arrow to go to the next song, and......rejected. The pop-up repeats itself again. What the? Can't Pandora sense an indecisive radio-station-changer when they see one?

Right now I am going to go lay this pounding head down on the pillow. And with a sigh, close these red eyes and venture to sleep for a few hours. See you soon, my friend.

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

2009-09-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Ben Harper
Currently learning to: breathe
Current favorite song lyric: Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

I feel relieved at the opportunity to cuddle up with this piece of technology and write willingly about matters other than communication research and the difference between Simon Bolivar and Jose de San Martin. I have been waiting for this all day.

So, writing. I didn't realize I liked it until the past year of my college life. And it's not the MLA certified essays that I enjoy, it's this. I am reading a book called Sweet Agony which describes the thrilling and oh so satisfying endeavor of creating images out of nothing but a combination of 26 letters. Writing for my Communication professors right now is not sweet agony, it's painful agony. But sweet agony....oh what sweet agony in doing this (read that last line slowly with an English accent, sounds like Shakespeare).

I have several different layers of things going on in my life right now, all of which contribute to my heart feeling like it's been ripped apart and broken to pieces. No freak out texts/calls here, I am fine. I would just like to admit my hurt; that it is very real. It is humbling. And I am trying to get over the embarassing cliche feeling that I am going to miss "this place." But I am. "This place" referring to so many different things these past 3 years. Relationships have a lot to do with it, as does an identity that has been wrapped up securely by the titles and systems here. Without this identity, I feel like I have been dropped off on the side of the road, stripped naked, shivering, nameless and cold, waiting to sight my way down the road again.

But this time, a new road, and without everyone else.

A cozy post

2009-09-04T14:52:00.000-07:00

Currently drinking: Pumpkin Spice Frappachino via Starbucks
Currently listening to: Cold Water by Damien Rice
Currently sporting: boot slippers

Coffee tends to stimulate my blogness. To complement that, it's a rainy Friday afternoon.

I visited Starbucks today and was very much reminded of how much I enjoy that place. New pumpkin spice treats and drinks, and dandy brown colored mugs. You should go. I left with coffee in my hand and the aroma drenching into my pores. YES.

I miss helping people figure out what kind of coffee to get and making their drink in less than 50 seconds. I miss the coffee lingo and the psycho morning rush. It's because I think everyone wants to be good at something. Not just career-ish stuff, but a connoisseur (props to Dictionary.com) of something trendy like coffee, beer, or wine. It's fun to be an expert. Like a chef, knowing all the flavors and spices, you can put together a treat for someone, leaving their mouths wide open because they have no idea how you do it. Liz, ah....the aspiring Coffee Master.

Meanwhile, reality has ordered me to order myself. I did three loads of laundry today and have a date with my planner. I have a pile of nasty dishes waiting to be washed, no surprise there. I am really excited about getting myself together and catching up on much needed conversations.

It's the fall season. Everything brown, pumpkin, apple, and spice. Fallen leaves and bonfires. Football games in hoodies. Let's skip the cliche statement about how time flies by and we don't know where it went and freak out about how it's September and my birthday of 22 years, Thanksgiving, graduation, Christmas, and God-willing, Peru, are coming up in the next 4 months, in that exact order. Brace yourself. Emotional blogs could be a serious side effect.

I am speaking Spanish again. My heart is warmed by it. Thanks to those who understand this and who have grace with me while I am in this place in my life.

So grab a mug of something, pull up a chair, and search for words with me.

H1N1, Facebook, and peanut butter

2009-09-02T12:03:00.000-07:00

Current favorite song lyric: "The Day is Brave"

Today a friend in the cafeteria yelled out, "It's here!"

Wash your hands with soap and water. Use antibacterial stuff too, even though the hundred that have been put around your college are empty because the sanitizer is on back order. Stay in a foot long box if you have flu symptoms. Don't breathe or have contact with any other human being. If you say anything, we will quarantine you.

The bacon cough, pig flu, oink, swine flu, H1N1, whatever you want to name it, has hit the William Jewell College campus. All this does is make everyone paranoid. So now instead of the shallow small talk about the abnormally cool weather in Missouri right now, classes are consumed with chatter about the girl who had to go home because of the flu and how soap and water is the best way to clean your hands. Seriously. Small schools have to be the worst when it comes to these things because you hear the same gossip 20 times in one class. Things don't just get around fast here, they get around several times. Don't cough in public, people will form a 2-foot radius around you. You think people are your friends until they find out you are sick and take an extra few steps away from you. I am thinking about wearing a face mask and gloves tomorrow to school to see what people do.

Another rumor today at school said that there is a Facebook application allowing you to see who visits your profile and how many times they visit. Is this true? Because there was a rumor about this last year and I think that was false. So no more Facebook stalking?

Today I ate peanut butter and crackers, only because I wanted peanut butter. I just finished a Slimfast shake only so I could have the taste of chocolate. Sometimes I eat carrots with peanut butter only to have an object to scoop the peanut butter into my mouth. Why don't I just eat the friggin jar of peanut butter? Ah, what you do to justify what you eat. Like those dreamers who say, "Oh, I will have the cherry pie and ice cream because it's a fruit and good for me, and ice cream has dairy in it." I mean, really?

Someone forgot to tell this girl....

Love. Hate?

2009-08-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Ben Rector, Ready for Change
Currently addicted to: anything with sugar on the nutrition label
Currently reading: Sweet Agony

My body is in desperate need of a nap. My social exhaustion of 20 million catch up conversations within the last 24 hours and working 5:00 a.m. shifts days in a row is pushing me into a nap isolation. Give me an hour with a locked door....I will bounce back. Right now, I need not exert my extraverted ways.

Finding myself in various social situations lately, I see that my heart is moved extremely easily. My eyes will tear up in an instant, and having met you for the first time, I will want to do anything to make you feel loved and appreciated. It's an interesting place to find yourself once you observe it. It's great for sure. Just anticipating hitting a limit at some point or another? After a week, am I going to even have the strength to speak a word? If, though, I keep drinking from the neverending well of salvation, perhaps this love for others never runs dry? Can I maintain my nourishment so I don't run dry to others?

Coming back to a familiar place and setting with people reminds me of our desperate need as human beings to commune with one another. I understand God more fully as I see his character reflected through unique personalities and edification from my relationships. I realize my need for help, my need for care from others. It really is a beautiful thing.

Ben Rector sings of being "ready for change." I find it ironic that we ultimately find ourselves yearning for the thing in which we absolutely despise as it tears us away from every comfortable place that we find ourselves in. We hate leaving behind what we have loved so much, but we yearn to "arrive" at the next glory because it's going to be so much better. Isn't it? We are so fickle; we can't make up our minds. We hate change, but we thirst for it. We just don't know what we want. But then again, it's not up to us anyway.

There's something so much bigger going on with this love/hate relationship we, excuse me I, have with change. Maybe it's revealing something about my heart.....

....i need Him.

Orchestrate my heart

2009-08-25T21:10:00.001-07:00

Currently listening to: Adele
Currently drinking: Starbucks iced coffee
Currently sitting in: a humid and damp dorm room

Some days music finds a way to meet you at the perfect moments and orchestrate your actions in a beautiful way. I drove home from work, listening to Making Pies by Patty Griffin and it ended right when I parked. Great timing. I just turned on Adele Pandora and the song I wanted to hear came on right away (Chasing Pavements). It was meant to be. And while making coffee tonight at the 'Bux, I was serenaded by some spectacular classical music. Classical music has a way with me. Could be my classical piano training. My heart wells up, and so do my eyes. Great music day, Tuesday. Thanks.

It's time for announcements:

I am leaving Starbucks. I have a week left of free coffee and some favorite regulars. Scheduling and being an extra full-time student this semester is the bad guy. It's too bad it didn't work out. I am going to miss it.

I am seriously considering (serious enough to write in this post) going to Peru post-graduation for a few months. I can't explain how happy this makes me and how peaceful my heart is in thinking about it. It's a recent development, enough to not have details and enough to consume my prayers.

Can I confess that blogging is currently on my list of favorite hobbies? My handwritten, private journaling has suffered because of this, but I'd rather share my thoughts with you. Regardless of how these make you feel, they make me feel so much better. Therapy perhaps?

Cheers.

On the brink

2009-08-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Iron and Wine
Currently drinking: Quick Trip iced tea
Currently getting rid of: a headache

I just partook in a little stroll at dusk. An extravert's chance for serenity. I am one who should avoid this feasting time of day for little critters that fly around biting people. I am now itching 3,587 bug bites on one leg. Something about me must taste good...the Starbucks that is now being pumped into my veins probably.

I took a walk in the cemetery. Here on the Hill, the cemetery sits up higher than anything else, making you see the campus in a different perspective. Every few steps I stopped to stare at the sunset. It was one of those moments. I just can't grasp some things. I am staring at change all around me, knowing that I should be feeling so many things but get on emotion overload, resulting in just numbness. Perhaps it's because we are human, or because we are immersed in our own lives that we can't catch some perspective. I know that I am standing at a brink. I can feel it in every inch of my bone. Everyone around me is reminding me of it, and I know that things could get overwhelming at any moment. I am just waiting for that time. The anticipation is killing me. Realities in my life never hit at opportune times.

The thing about different seasons is you miss the old one sometimes; you miss the way things were. And in the very same breath, you are drooling for what comes next. I mean we are never content. We just want something to get better. So I don't really trust my emotions right now. Of course I am sad about leaving college. Of course I am excited about being done with school. Of course I am scared stiff about finding a job. Of course I have no idea what I am going to do after school. Change is change. Change is inevitable. I am learning this. And I have been trying to be cooperative.

Thanks for listening.

Weekend travels

2009-08-18T19:52:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: David Gray
Current favorite song lyric: If this is a competition, you are my first prize
Current location: Browning Hall, Room 303

I am staring at a list of blog-worthy topics I made while sitting on an airplane to Phoenix recently. Get ready blog-reader, things are going to get exciting in the near future. I am not cool enough to plan any of this out, and I just made it awkward by making you anticipate greatness when really it's my brain throw up that scrambles such words together. I would just like you to know that my thoughts are compartmentalizing blog-worthy mentionings on a daily basis. So while on an airplane, eating pretzels and popping my ears, I thought I would transcribe my ideas. These will be out for you shortly.

In the meantime I would like to give a shout-out to some of those I saw on my weekend travels:

-The guy stuffing jalepenos chips into his mouth while waiting to board his flight....am I the only one that sees a potential problem for the person sitting next to him on the plane?
-The airport cart drivers that shuttle people to their terminal shouting "Move out of the way" as they speedrace through the crowd of people. Don't jump out in front of one of those. You might die actually.
- The people that run frantically to their terminal, afraid they have missed their flight. I just think it's funny.
- And what about the crazy businessmen dressed in suits that hold every version of technology within their paintsuit and can't sit one minute without pulling out their iPhone or Kindle (what's up with those btw) He holds merchandise worth more money than my car. That's an understatement.

I mean there are so many different people to watch at the airport. It makes me believe that God created airports so I could watch them all.

Through the recent packing and unpacking of moving buildings, I have been reminded of the excess amount of stuff Westerners own. This idea was also mentioned in a book I just read by K.P. Yohannon. There are people that have ridiculously more things than they need...just like me. Should I have the problem of not having enough room for all my clothes when people struggle to even keep the same piece of clothing on their back? I think not. There are a lot of unecessary things we, I mean I, surround myself with; all they do is distract me from the truth that I found in simplicity.

Lord, help me live out this yearning for simple things.

....train of thought to be continued.

78th post

2009-08-09T16:25:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: The musical wonders of Waterdeep. It's been awhile.
Currently eating: peanut butter
Most current action: napping

The pile of dishes next to my face right now are starting to smell. I have used the same spoon the past 3 days. I just licked off my finger that has been dipping in my stash of peanut butter. I am living off of rice cakes, peanut butter, and instant oatmeal for the next few days. Let's see if I can stretch this out. I move yet again to another resident hall Tuesday. Moving is one of the most dreadful things besides the diseased dishes sitting next to my face.

I would be an awful gambler. Reason being, I got this brilliant idea that the closer you wait to the travel date to purchase a plane ticket, the cheaper it is. Why didn't any of my good friends stop me from this? As I gave in and put down a hefty money amount yesterday in reserving my ticket, only a few days before departure, I realized my weeks of skillfully waiting and anticipating a drop in price was not so skillful. Every day I sat and reasoned with Bing. com, contemplating whether to buy or wait. Luck had to be on my side. Lies. All lies. I am not going to even tell you how much I paid for a ticket to Phoenix. Because the exciting thing is I get to see my dear friend Nicole and her precious little boy. It is going to be a rejuvinating time away. I just know it.

I got pulled over yesterday for speeding. It was different than last time. Perhaps the further you get away from your 16th year of life and new driving, you calm down about things, and tickets only seem fair when you have obviously and blatently disobeyed. It seems that things like this always happen when you are speeding in order to get where you are going faster because you are late to where you are going. And being stopped by the policeman makes you even later. Alanis Morissette would say that it's ironic. I would agree. I was already debating whether to go out that night anyway, and having gotten pulled over, I wondered if it was a sign from God not to go. Funny how we spiritualize everything. Anyway, the man was nice and I knew that I was willfully going over the speed limit, so no need to cry, argue, or flirt...whatever girls do. I took my ticket and in honor of that, drove slowly for the night. Don't go 40 mph on Lightburne.

Starbucks tip of the day: Please specify whether you would like your mocha iced or hot before we make it.

Thanks for reading.

James, Jan. 09

2009-08-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

The day began bitter cold, both in my heart and outside downtown Denver. The temperature was brutal and snow had blanketed the ground. We were expected to reach Denver for Jesus that day. Skeptical and fearful, I joined in the fun, being a part of a group of five that would receive a manila envelope unveiling step by step instructions as to what our mission was that day. We gathered in a huddle and ceremonially opened our envelope, anxiously awaiting what it would say inside. We were to catch the bus at 11:50 a.m. and end up in a particular neighborhood. Suddenly I realized we very well could be doing what I so dreaded to do, go door to door with tracks in hand, bugging people in the middle of the afternoon, sporting our phony Jesus smiles. Or so it was this way in my evangelizing past. I followed obediently, secretly hoping this would not be the case. After arriving and hearing our mission, lo and behold, that was exactly what we would be doing. After 2 hours of rejection, wet and cold, we stepped on the bus to head back to our primary location. In the meantime, I observed the saddened despair and poverty that the people of that neighborhood and sitting next to me on the bus experienced every single day. I was frustrated. I had a heart to help people; to love them. But there was a barrier between me and them because I didn’t know how. I saw a need but did not know how to meet it, and I knew that going door to door was the most cliché and ineffective way to do that. The world’s problems seemed too big, too impossible to fix in one day. Overwhelmed with any and all emotions, my heart gave up. Surely there was a way to show Jesus to people with going door to door. Surely I had something to offer of myself and the Jesus inside of me. But being cold, wet, uncomfortable, and hungry, and escorted myself to the luxurious Sheraton hotel where I spent my days that week. I put on some warm clothes, gathered my pen and paper, and set out to downtown Denver to treat myself to a latte and reflection time. And in this reflection time I would vent to God about all the injustices in the world, many of which I had just seen, and tell Him how hard it was to live down here with questions beyond measure about why I had so much and others had so little. This was my mission for that afternoon.

As I sipped my latte, I headed down 16th street, looking for a place to settle. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a homeless man scooting his things out from the mall in a little buggy. On it was a sign. On it wrote something about money and food. A policeman had stopped him, said something, and walked off. My spirit and body suddenly cooperated and pushed me to talk to him. My mind didn’t even stop to question the idea. For some reason, I found myself confident. The first thing that came out of my mouth (naturally) was, “How are you?” I immediately shut myself down for saying such a stupid thing. Come on Liz, I thought, what would he say, “Great. Just a little chilly and homeless.” So I don’t even remember what he said, or what I said after that. I just know I tried everything to have normal conversation as anyone would, regardless of whether he owned a home or not. I invited him to walk and talk. We ended at the corner of the street, talking about poetry and injustice. Among his food and blankets to keep warm, I think the most beneficial thing he had with him was a book of poetry he had found on the ground somewhere. It was something that reminded him that he was human and his brain was still working. It didn’t scream out that he was suffering. It didn’t put him lower than anybody else. It took him away from his problems and allowed him to engage in another world besides his own.

We continued to talk about random things….just like any friends would. I wasn’t afraid to acknowledge his situation, but I also didn’t want to focus on it. Just like him, I am more than my circumstances and problems. I have a story, passions and ideas. So I set out to ask him about his. He interrupted in saying that he had a lot of things to tell the world; that he wanted his voice to be heard. He turned to me, honest and so real, asking if I would write down his story. I laughed a little nervously. What do you say to that? Taking advantage of the moment, I agreed with a smile. It took both of us by surprise. I realized that I had just made a promise to someone that experienced nothing but inconsistency and broken promises in his life. Great. I was going to be another one. Or maybe not? Maybe this conversation would last more than today….and his story would be one that I tell.

In the bitter cold, we both stood paralyzed while I tried to figure out where I could go with a homeless man where it was warm, safe, and very public for safety. Coming to the end of my list, I escorted him to the Sheraton hotel lobby. How suiting. So we warm up on the leather couches as we watched preoccupied college students scurry by in their social huddles, dressed in their new Gap jeans and arguing over whether Starbucks or Jamba Juice would serve as the best snack. I held my latte as I searched for my pen and paper. So many thoughts run through your mind in a moment. In this particular one, I wasn’t sure if I made the right choice to bring him into the hotel. Was it shoving wealth in his face? Was it rude? These were just a few of the many questions that flooded my mind. I had no idea. But he was with me, and in this I held a sense of pride and protection as he was able to indulge in the warmth of the building for the next hour.

Just like anyone, where do you start with one's story? I hit around a few different questions, trying to gage what would get him talking. He was willing, but after getting emotional about one thing or the other, he kept on asking me what I wanted to know. And frantically, I would just say “your story,” which of course was dumb. He really hadn’t processed his story; that was my job to help him. I wanted to gather his thoughts and experiences and help make sense of them. I tried to gage the areas where he was comfortable talking about. I quickly ruled out his childhood. Although I wanted the whole story, I wasn’t about to make this homeless man relive the tragedy of his childhood for me. It just wasn’t the time. There were other touchy subjects that I quickly darted off of. So we landed on photography. You can tell when someone loves something or someone. Their eyes light up. They could talk forever about it. And in doing this, they end up reliving memories in their head while talking…kind of in their own world. I love watching people in this state. It’s enjoyable for me. So he loved taking pictures. He kept on saying his favorite thing to do was to “shoot children.” I cringed inside every time he repeated that phrase, only fretting about what it sounded like to a stranger passing by on our conversation. I quickly got over my insecurity, intently listening to this man relive his history.

James was born in Indianapolis, Indiana. He began that his grandpa was in the mafia and he had a dad that molested him. This is when we skipped to his later life. He dropped out of high school and ventured into the work world. He did construction for most of his years, making decent money. For a short time, like I said, he did photography. This brought back a vivid memory of the first time (and maybe the only) he felt appreciated by a mother who had brought her child to get photographed. He retold the story of how she hugged him, with tears in her eyes, and thanked him for his great work. This was important to him.

James had done one too many drugs in his years to develop HIV. Too many needles, too many bad choices. He found out a year before our discussion that day that he was ill. Since then, I believe he has been reflecting on a lot of things, as it was coming out in our conversation. The scabs on his face told the story of a fight he had gotten with another homeless man recently that called his grandson the N-word. His face immediately squished together into a scowl, his lips puckering together, trembling, as he relived the anger. I quickly moved us ahead, expressing the joy that he had grandchildren, nine actually. James had been through two marriages, the most current one, for a very short time until she passed away. That is when he quit his job which led us to his current situation, being homeless. He said he just quit. He knows and admits his homelessness is his fault. Unlike many people I have talked to, he doesn’t blame God and James doesn’t hate the world. He took full responsibility for his actions. In thinking about the injustice in this world earlier that day, I asked him how he believed in God after seeing so many people hurting. He had no problem interrupting me to defend God’s sovereignty. He re-explained that God did not do this to him, that God is good to him and faithful to bring him out of it. I stared in amazement as my pride crumbled to the ground. Here was this man without a warm place to sleep or any security in his life with more faith than me and all my comforts. This man was wise. It’s true, it’s easier to understand the things of God when you’re poor, stripped of all the world’s pleasures and comfort, than it is to be rich. Maybe that parable made sense to me now.

It has been 5 years since his wife died, and James still finds himself humbly on the streets of Colorado, asking people for money. He is on the waiting list for low-income housing. He holds his head up, with hope for his future and love in his heart. He willingly left me with 3 pieces of advice, each holding an important piece of history in his heart:

Love your fellow man no matter what
Don’t judge people by the color of their skin
Stay in school

All of his advice was said with great convincing and belief, and with stories of their own of how he lived out experiences that taught him these things. There was a major sense of worth for James to be able to, in the midst of admitting all his bad decisions in life, pass on advice that is true to his story. And I received it gladly, and forever etched the conversation in my mind. I was able to pray for him before he left, praying for a warm place for him to sleep that night. He scooted over on the couch to embrace me. You know, I think he felt loved. And, I realized, so did I. In this weird way, I felt complete, like I had done something that I was truly made to do: Love God, and love others. So we got up and said goodbye as I escorted him out the door, and James set out into the world and onto this paper.

His story; our story. They are stories to be told and to be heard. And believe it or not, we find God intertwined in the depths and colors of our experiences…in the midst of our relationships and conversations. God is in the dirty places of this world…on the streets in people like James….shedding light in the midst of our own hopelessness. God is in places outside of our sterile churches and 4-step tracks to salvation. He is in the midst of every person on that subway, in the man sitting on the corner with the sign. God is present in the lost places. We must go and meet Him there. Because there awaits a story to be told...and a place for God to be glorified.

They liked it, so they put a ring on it.

2009-08-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Patty Griffin
Currently eating: Life cereal
Currently reading: Captivating

Oh blog world, here we are again. It's a hot and muggy summer night. I just got off of work. Smell like coffee, have tired feet, and am excited to sleep. But I thought I would pay a visit to you and search for a few words before I sleep.

Too many people are taking Beyonce's advice. If you are reading this, a friend of mine, under 23 years of age, and are about to get engaged or married, please don't. Spare my sanity. Be kind to my singleness. If you like it, don't you dare put a ring on it. I think all my friends Facebook messaged each other, planning to change their relationship status at the same time. Infact, maybe I'll change mine. Everyone's doing it. The good thing about having 7,890 weddings to go to this next year is hopefully I will stay skinny and tan with a few cute dresses in the closet. That's the attitude, Liz.

While we are on the topic of attraction-like things, I would like to discuss crushes. No matter how old you get or mature you feel in the dating arena, crushes always make you feel like a 13-year-old pre-teen. There is nothing sophisticated or cool about them; they are unmasterable, leaving everyone absolutely vulnerable and inexperienced once again. Crushes make you blush and nervous, having conversations in your head, trying to talk yourself out of liking the person. You feel dumb at the fact that you overanalyze and jump to conclusions too quickly (maybe just the female species). And here's the trouble: drawing the line. When do you decide the potentiality of a relationship is unrealistic? When do you admit the crush to someone else? Because the moment you say something, it jinxes the whole situation. And the moment to realize you might just like a person, it changes the next day and you find that his friend is cute too. I mean, come on. 'Mize well put my braces back on and scrunchi in my hair for as young as these things make you act/feel.

Meanwhile, I have discovered that dishes are my most disliked chore. When I am eating soup with a fork and a green film gathers on my bowls, I reluctantly take the pile to the sink to scrub, scrub, and scrub some more. Maybe my husband will like doing dishes.

Thanks for reading, friend. I am leaving cyber space for the evening. Will talk later.

P.S. Don't read into this crush thing. I am not dating anyone or anything of the sort. No freak out texts please.

Don't go to Chipotle for the leftovers

2009-07-25T10:37:00.000-07:00

Currently picking: cilantro out of my teeth
Recently discovered musician: Andrew Bird
Current mood: hopeful

Although Chipotle can do nothing to lose its place as my favorite place to eat, I took a second try at eating it on the second day today. Even if you cover the chips in a steel box, they still get chewy and stale-like. The rice gets dry and even though everyone warns me, lettuce, sour cream, and cheese aren't good warmed up in that thing. It took me a few times to figure this out. But I think I did.

Alright, Starbucks customers, listen to me. I don't post too much about the ways of Starbucks in my posts simply because blog posts always find a way to backfire in some way. But I can say this: do not talk on your cell phone when going through the drive thru. 90% of the drive thru customers rave on their cell phones will giving me the "oh hi, give me my triple decaf 3 pump no foam soy skinny vanilla latte, but please don't interupt my phone call which I am probably faking anyway to look cool as I buy my beverage at Starbucks." It only makes my job more stressful than it already is. Americans can seem to turn off the radio, put down their cell phone, or look another human being in the eye.

I have finally come to terms with my summer, 2 months into it that is. Things have finally sunk in, I have finally begun to enjoy things, and oh wait, summer is now almost over. Isn't that the way it is though? Just when you start to get used to a new season in your life, it's over before you know it. A wise woman in my life instructed me once in saying: The only thing that doesn't change is the fact that things are always changing. This is true, oh so true.

I really like Kansas City. I really like my friends in Kansas City. I really like my church in Kansas City. I've figured that much out. Perhaps this will affect my future in a very specific way. Perhaps.

So long, blog friend. And happy Saturday.

Let's read and listen to music or something like that

2009-07-15T19:26:00.000-07:00

Currently chewing on: fruit snacks
Currently discovered: eggs in the microwave
Currently enjoying: some FREE time

I am listening to Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap. MMMM whatcha say?

I have a stack of books on my desk, ready to read:
The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges
The Supremacy of Christ in a Postmodern World by John Piper and Justin Taylor
Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge
Revolution in World Missions by K.P. Yohannan

Just finished The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller, you should definately read it.

My recent musical discovery: Jimmy Needham

I finally get free time, and then I am tired and want to go to bed. I might do that.

zzzzzzzz

A joyful expression

2009-07-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

Currently.....

I was reminded today that even as the past events in my life have been guided and ordered by the Lord, so are the very moments that I am breathing now and the paths of the unknown future. To see the decision I made to follow the Lord at L-Bar-C camp in 7th grade turn into this beautiful portrait of defeat and victory, sickness and healing, sadness and joy, being lost and found, has made be reassured and thankful for the past 8 years of running this race. I have become more and more confident that this is where my strength, my identity, comes from. I had a moment today at church: I sat, meditating about Christ before communion, and was overcome by this great joy...the kind that is described as the "joy of our salvation." It hasn't shown up in a while. But I think I was reminded about that joy today. My selfishness and brokenness many times leaves me somber and paralyzed in guilt. But today, I rediscovered joy; the celebration that comes with knowing Christ. It was similar to the encounters with God that I experienced as a new believer, all giddy-hearted, young, and eager. May I never lose my childlike faith. May my heart ever burn for You and You alone, My God.

Wow, my heart is full. So then, I will leave you with just that. My random and meandering thoughts will take a back burner, showing up here another day and time, so come back.

"Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done." Psalm 105:1

A Tuesday afternoon

2009-07-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

Currently into: hummus and peanut butter, not together.
Currently experiencing: a back ache, thanks work.
Currently listening to: Boston by Augustana

Just got back from work. The 5:00 a.m. shift at Starbucks has become easier to manage. My summer has started to become a busy one between work and school. It's alright though; learning time management. Am a little worried about how well I will manage next semester. Final and most crazy semester of my college career. It's like the rapid fire finale at the end of a fireworks show.

You know, it's so interesting how music correlates with seasons in life. I have intentionally avoided emo-like music recently because of its baggage. It's always nice to return to music you enjoy after getting rid of the memories that go along with it. So know I can enjoy the sad and depressing lovesick Secondhand Serenade and Augustana if I want to.

Personality realizations: I need words of affirmation often, I am a big believer in doing what you say you are going to do, I need alone time, I can get to know people very quickly. I.can.cry.so.easily.

Alright, to you dear readers, thanks for the visit.

-Boom Boom Pow.

Another midnight post.

2009-07-05T22:28:00.001-07:00

Currently smacking on: peanut butter by the spoonful. Grocery shopping tomorrow.
Currently digesting: way too much coffee
Currently reading: The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller
Current action besides blogging: Facebook catching up

Good early morning to you. I tend to take advantage of early hours because it's when I can find my thoughts honest and clear enough to articulate them to you.

I have been thinking about the future a lot lately; about what I want; where I want to go, and also; what's important to me. All that to say, I really don't know any cool answers to any of those. But I have become at peace with some things, clear about some others, and excited about some job hopefuls. I finally found a job description that explains what I want to do. I realize I just said that and you want to know what that is, but I don't feel like explaining it right now. Not my point. Ask later.

There are just a lot of choices at my disposal right now. About who I want to be and what I want to do. Where I want to invest my time and in whom I want to invest in. I am having to seek God with a little extra effort, but like promised, finding Him....in some of the most unexpected things and people. He knows exactly what I need. And He can provide that for me.

I realize that in front of me lies a leap of faith, into destination unknown. I am soon going to leave a lot of people I love and situations and ideas I deem comfortable. And I guess that's just the way it is...the way it's going to be.

Now I am going to get up, brush my teeth, and dream.

'Night.

Some Favs

2009-07-01T20:00:00.000-07:00

Here are some people and experiences I have been thinking about and thankful for lately.

Mind wonderings of a sleep deprived redhead

2009-06-23T21:05:00.001-07:00

Currently suffering from: "can't sleep tonight syndrome"
Currently listening to: Brendan James
Currently reading: The Pursuit of Holiness

Here's to another night confirming my abnormal sleeping patterns in the recent weeks. It's like Starbucks stuck a needle in my arm and injected the darkest of espresso, depriving me of every sleeping pattern I ever had. I went to bed 2 hours ago. It's only time until I get frustrated to lay there and twirl my hair, or try out new sleeping formations. Despite the instructions from health experts to not eat late at night, I get up to pick up my few month old cereal. As I stuff the dry cereal in my face, I realize it's sticking together, unaturally. I should throw it away. But I tend to hold onto food a little longer these days, says my rotted spinach and green cheese in the fridge. Fixing food for one person is just a task. I find I eat things I would never normally eat. I guess you could say my standards have been lowered dramatically. You end up compromising because heck, you can deal with just eating ___insert gross food here____. And even though you don't like ____fill in food you don't like here___, it's so much cheaper than ____food you like here___. Ah, the college life.

Do you notice how people eat popcorn (I was reminded of this by the way I was eating my cereal). They treat it like a freakin race. And when people are watching a movie they don't even bother looking down to the popcorn bag. No....Keep eyes on movie. Lower hand-claw. Catch the prey. Lift. Insert into mouth. Repeat excessively.

Did anyone even like those huge swirl lookin lollipops that were the size of your head when you were a child? They had rainbow colors going around in a swirl. I always wanted them because they looked so cool, but they really just tasted like sugar poop. Disappointment. Oh and rock candy! But I liked that. Or those giant jawbreakers. They still sell all that weird candy at the bottom of the shelves by the check-out lines. Like the sugary goo, baby bottle lookin suckers, gum shaped in a cell phone, etc. I think the liquidy stuff is what really bothers me. Just buy yourself a Snickers bar.

Do you ever have grammar or spelling rules that have stuck in your brain for so many years because a certain teacher stressed it all the time or someone always corrected you? Here is mine: "A lot" is two words, thank you Mrs. Castle in fifth grade. She told us that maybe 1000 times. I will never do it again.

Story of the day:

The other day while I was at the library I found myself staring at this lady. She was right in front of me and probably noticed I was staring because friends tell me I have a problem staring. But she was wearing the shirt I wore in the fifth grade school-wide spelling bee. Infact, I wondered if mom gave it away to the thrift store and this lady found it and bought it. For a second, I thought my life had come full circle and I was about to die. But there it was, my yellow and black striped polo. Exact. Same. Shirt. I mispelled the word "galactic" at that spelling bee. I ran to my mom and cried when I lost. Maybe it was because I wore a bumble bee shirt to the spelling bee.

There ya go.

Goodnight, blog friend.

Here's an update.

2009-06-21T17:47:00.000-07:00

Currently eating: watermelon and cantelope
Currently listening to: Robbie Seay Band's Better Days album
Currently wondering about: the dang future

Hello dear friends. It's been awhile and I thought you deserved an update.

I finished the second book in the Twilight series yesterday. I don't know if I've ever read a book so fast, let alone that long and FICTION. This is phenomenal. I don't read fiction, especially the ones with over 500 pages in them. Movin on to the 3rd one.

I am beginning my 3rd week at Starbucks tomorrow. I am enjoying learning about espresso, cappachino foam, and how addicted America is to coffee. No wonder we are in an economic crisis and fat.....we go to Starbucks every day and drinks Ventis. Check the checkbook and calories before you buy, people.

Next week is the last week of 2 of my summer school classes. Then I begin another. Truckin along.

I visited my grandpa's house this weekend with my fam. The drive home was one of those where you stare seriously out the window, gazing as the trees whiz by, in deep thought about your future. It's a mystery to me. I have never felt so absolutely clueless about my future. And if someone were to ask what I really want to do, I would honesty say, "I don't know." So that's that.

My story for the day:

I was loading my stuff into the car at grandpa's house when two neighbor kids of his came over looking for "Mr.Brown," aka they wanted a popcicle. But first the girl had to ask me,

"Are you going to have a baby?"
"Um.....no."
And she felt the need to clarify, "Well, you look like you are going to have a baby."
"Oh..." I replied. "
"Have you had a baby before?"
"No I haven't infact."
And after this intimate conversation, she finally asked me, "Who are you?"
"Mr. Brown's granddaughter."
"Oh."
End of conversation. I don't think I'm going to wear that shirt again.

Thank you little girl for helping me feel positive about myself. Since then, I have been glancing at my reflection in every store window and frowning.

Well I have to go. I am going to work out.

What crayon color are you?

2009-06-04T13:08:00.000-07:00

Along with Facebook taking over cyberspace, it has allowed normal human beings like you and me to take quizzes to find out things like....

What wild animal would you be?
How gay are you?
Are you a true Missourian?
What Disney princess are you?
What social stereotype are you?
What real age are you?
What is the first letter of your future husband?
What is the date of your wedding?
What kind of kisser are you?

Thank you Facebook, for telling me my real age, I almost forgot. And I didn't know I was 49% gay, thanks, now I am actually questioning my sexuality. And sorry friends, I don't want to know what Twilight character you would be or what celebrity would play you in a movie. And don't go filling them all out at once, you're taking up my whole news feed.

I have resisted taking these quizzes (Confession: I actually took the Disney princess one a long time age, that was before I knew what they would become.) And the problem with being curious about what your results would be is that once you take it, it's not like this private satisfaction in knowing, it freakin pops up on everybody's news feeds. Even if I had an inkling of interest to do one, I would be afraid a bunch of pop-ups and XXX's will crash my computer. I choose to remain a quiz virgin for my own dignity's sake.

But just so you know, if I were a crayon color, I would be orange.

::EDIT (Several hours later)::

Some more that just popped up on my feed:

What ethnicity are you, REALLY?
What do people think of YOU at first sight?
How dateable are you?
What mental disorder are you?
How tall are you going to be?

Oh dear....

An honest post.

2009-05-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

I feel like blogs are statements to the world declaring some revelation or raging tangent to others; showing how great you are about figuring out life. My soul sits uncomfortably as I type this. I am by no means in the right mind to impress you, nor am I prepared to tell you some spiritual and put together answer to my questions tonight. I come to the table very human, searching for an array of vocabulary to articulate my struggle.

When I sit and pity about my uncertainty in my faith and the world around me, I can’t help but see so many different portrayals of faith. I see all extremes and everything in between. I see beauty and strength. I see wrong and weaknesses. And in that split second that my mind finds labels and slaps them onto what my mind sees to be faith, I get overwhelmed in feeling the need to choose. Do I need to be an evangelical who votes Republican and passes out tracks with the steps to salvation? Should I be the liberal kind of Christian who fights for human rights and sees that the poor have food at night? Should I spend all day in a prayer room praying for revival?

These questions flood my mind tonight as I realize my condition. I have tucked away sermons and teachings in my head, kept things leaders have said, engraved doctrine into my brain. I have seen truth on both extremes in my journey, and I find myself in an uncomfortable in between. In some aspects, in time I have become someone that I never deemed to be good. In another way, I am more liberated and understanding of the gospel than before. I am not satisfied here because I know I am not where I need to be. And in my human and categorial thinking, the only way I seem to find in moving forward right now is choosing between two paths that claim to reach the same goal. My logic can’t rid truths from one for the other, or vice versa. Both shine a different light on Jesus, portraying him as a man standing for different things, like two different people. But really, who is this man named Jesus?

I know I sound confused. And sure, there is some of that. But in the end, as I fight this “good fight of faith,” my heart yearns to be valued for the person that I am more than the doctrine I choose to believe, or label I slap onto myself to please you. There is an honest fear of being rejected on either side. In that struggle, I try my best to stray away from indifference, for surely giving up would be easier than the fight.

I wasn’t taught that faith was more than black and white, but I am beginning to think it is. My faith contains colors of blue, bright yellow, and magenta. It’s deep and the shades are ever changing, from sea green to fragile peach. It reflects experience, relationships, and education. It screams out mercy and declares justice. It dances for joy and worships in peace. My faith is based on my need for a savior. And I know his name is Jesus.

Only He makes sense of my colorful mess.

Recent Realizations

2009-05-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

Currently enjoying: endorphins spreading through my body
Currently engaging in: Facebook stalking
Currently suffering from: closing eye lids

Some things I have become aware of lately:

I have sensitive hearing
I have a majorly sensitive sense of smell.
People need to learn how to use sarcasm appropriately.
I am surprisingly attracted to redheads. Some.
I really really love dancing.
I would like to go to New York very soon.
Playing the piano makes me happy.

This is my inventory of recent things I have noticed about myself. It's the little things, isn't it?

5 minute post

2009-05-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: rain
Currently wearing: Chaco's
Currently thinking about: Colorado

So I figured it out. I am not happy being here right now. That's it! It's like this cycle of emotions I have been in, trying to figure out why I am just not satisfied with my summer plans, with being here in Liberty. I would rather be in Colorado. I would rather be in Mexico. I would rather be doing something meaningful and productive. I don't want be working and doing summer school. I want an adventure, but somehow that part didn't work out for me. It's disappointing, really. I have wonderful friends doing wonderful things this summer.....Haiti. Amsterdam. Africa (3). I have friends in Colorado at camp, loving God and people and having campfires. Ah I miss it.

So that is my 5 minute post. Liz needs to change her attitude. Things have to look up.

Gearing up

2009-05-24T09:22:00.001-07:00

Currently listening to: Iron and Wine
Current career consideration: teacher
Current love: Kansas City

It's officially summer here on the hill. I am settled into a new building and new room. Adjusting is always a difficult task. Shifting into summer mode has been also interesting. But nonetheless, I am hopeful about things. Plans seem unpredictable, but hopeful.

I will be starting summer school and Starbucks barista-ing in about a week. I also plan to spend some quality time at my new church home, Redeemer Fellowship, and read, lay out in the sun, and run as a hobby. God willing that is. I am still fascinated with people and obsessed with loving them. This love might be finally awakening after some time of selfishness. The more I fix these eyeballs upon Jesus, the more I love hurting people.

An important part of this summer for me needs to be investing in my soul...something that tends to get ignored and pushed aside here. I need to listen to my heart, listen for God, and let myself be refreshed. If this is selfish, let it be. If I keep going on ignoring the fact that I need a savior and something else to hope in, I will be nothing. I have been an engine trying to run on no gasoline. I haven't been getting very far. And I don't want to fall into complacency....talking about all these dreams of mine and the life I want to live, but never stepping closer. That's a pet peeve of mine I have developed over the past several months. I want to be a doer.

Proof that summer has begun and my life is slowing down is that I am yearning to do the things I love......my fingers need to touch a piano key asap or I am going to go bazerko. I need to have some quality conversations. And I need to worship. The real me is starting to rise up. Thank you William Jewell College for allowing this much needed break. I won't let you down.

A reminder

2009-05-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

Current activity: cleaning out my room
Current song: In Your Presence by Jason Upton
Currently wearing: my rainbow retainer

I am going through things from this school year. My desk is stuffed with old ticket stubs, lecture programs, receipts; evidence that I don't throw anything away. I ran across an old food journal from when I was sick last semester. Reading it again numbed my core. I get lost just sitting here, remembering what it was like to be sick for so long. I had wrote down every little thing I ate and what was in it......rice, rice cakes, rice milk, canned peaches Gluten-free pasta, millet pudding....let me stop before you have to read all the ridiculous things included in my soy free, diary free, corn free, gluten free diet. I wrote every time I got sick, which was generally right after I ate. Wow. It's been 7 months since I have been sick. Glory be to God.

I found birthday confetti from October and instructions my mom wrote to my friends so they could put birthday surprises outside my door exactly the way it should be. Gluten-free cupcakes, candy for my friends, balloons, signs made by my family members. What a thoughtful mom I have. What a special birthday.

I ran across old bulletins from First Christian Church, a place that showed me love and healing. A place where I recieved the most genuine hugs expressing the love Christ has for me and his community.

I found my nametag from ESL class that I lost a long time ago. Adwad, Gerges, Magdad, Beshoy, Rosalva, Daranel, Felix, Maria.....learning acceptance, service, understanding, and love between human beings.

I have a lot to be thankful for. This was a year of very uncomfortable friction that produced growth inside of me....that made me come out better, I think (still figuring that one out)....a year of fresh perspective and reality. A year of new beginnings and endings. Another year to reflect the grace, mercy, and faithfulness of God. I didn't use those words just to use religious jargon...like Christian radio or something. I chose to use each one and meant it. So go back and read that sentence again. He is the only reason I can come up with for me coming out the other side a healed, loved, educated woman. Whole.

"For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave." Psalm 86:13

Bloated on bread and life

2009-05-14T17:49:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: weird instrumental ballads
Currently looking at: Sarah Kathryn Parsons
Current phrase in my head: "Come ON finals, just get over."

I am sitting in the corner of Panera, looking at a blank screen on my computer and a pickle left over from downed sandwich, hence the whole 'bloated on bread and life' title. This has to be longest dragged out week of my college career. I mean, Come ONNNNN. My life is on hold until my presentation is over at 4:00. THEN I can clean my room, work out, shop for clothes, buy summer school books, and read the Twilight series books.

Oh summer, where art thou? Thou hast not shun on my faceth. Art thou in thy future? Or art thou not?

There is something just wrong about waitresses and department store clerks who have the nerve to call older women "babe" or "honey." If you are older and you want to call me honey, so be it. But call my mom honey? She's 20 years older than you, that makes that I N A P P R O P R I A T E. Social skills, people.

My friend Sarah is leaving for Haiti on Monday. I am extremely happy and proud of her. She is a fine gal. A great friend. And my pookie. I love you dear, I will miss you.

Beyonce lives.

Slowing down

2009-05-10T15:17:00.000-07:00

Current mood: sentimental
Current food fad: apples
Currently listening to: George Winston, piano

I am slowin down, you all (Missouri version of ya'all). Cramming, being a disciplined studier, caring about school, is becoming harder to do. As I sit here, I am aware of my apathy towards anything school related. My emotions have been surpressed, my relationships pushed aside, and my thoughtfulness strained for too long. I just need time to feel all the things I am feeling. I need time to think of the thoughts I need think about. And when I do that, I find that there is a lot of emotion going on inside of me with change. Someone give me a minute to just sit here.

I saw a good friend today. I haven't seen her in a long while. And Molly, it refreshed my heart. I really missed you. And I am glad you are back before your next adventure. I love you.

Oh dearest reader, I don't have anything witty for you right now. To be honest, I just wanted to write to get a little bit of piece of mind before I face my nasty school endeavor that awaits me on the other side: Microsoft Word. Outside the clouds look like they are about to release some moisture.....as do my eyes.

Let it be.

What a bite of watermelon can do

2009-05-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Older Chests by Damien Rice
Currently eating: watermelon
Currently experiencing: endings and goodbyes

Summer is coming to us. You can feel it in the sunbeams, hear it outside, see it by my Chacos, and taste it in the watermelon. You also know it's summer when you have to shave your legs every day.

A few minutes ago, someone let me take a bite of watermelon. The juiciness spirred a whirlwind of summer recollections in my being and inspired this blog. Watermelon, to me, represents everything summer. I have a photo of me and my mom sitting at the kitchen table, my shirt was off (2 years old) and I was sitting on her lap. We had a half of a watermelon in front of us. Those were my summers- my mom and I always indulging in big portions of watermelon.

There is something in me that struggles with summers because I want to it to be the way it was when I was young. Are you like that? You wish summers were still neighborhood hide-go-seeks, barbeques, and bike rides. You wish you still heard your mom call you in for dinner. You wish you didn't have to make money except by a lemonade stand on the street corner. You wish it really meant a mental break.....no noble internships or trips, just summers by the pool. Please slab some spf 50 sunscreen on me, because I want that summer.

So my emotions are mixed as I await summer. It's the first summer I won't move back home. Summer in Liberty is a new experience for me. I am just hoping I will be able to transfer out of school mode easily. I need that.

I need to run on the grass without my shoes on. I need to walk on the pavement and get black stains on my feet. I need to not set my alarm for the morning. I need to experience the yearly lack of air condition in my car. I need to get a sunburn to awaken my freckles from hibernation. I need to chew on sunflower seeds and experience the bipolar contrast between the hot outside and cold air-conditioned house. I need to go to the zoo and smell animal poop. Summer, are you here yet? If so, let it be like that.

Meanwhile, I have a few things to do. A few papers to write. A few things to wrap up.

Hey, you should go eat some watermelon.

It's 2:28 p.m.

2009-05-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

This is a coffee shop post. A blatent act of procrastination. No shame. Just need a minute.

Am sipping, I mean gulping, on some coffee. My brain has shut down. This isn't good. I have been reassured of my ever so long to-do list for the week. Haven't freaked out yet. Perhaps I just don't care. Good or bad? We'll see. Meanwhile, I am dressed in khakis and a red polo--two rarities for me. The occasion? Interview at the golf course. Yes, I am a poser. What else do you wear to a golf course? I will let you know how it goes. I could be your beverage cart girl this summer. Want some booze? Sure, if you can catch me on my wild and speedy golf cart.

Greetings on this Tuesday. My love to you.

First hand thoughts

2009-05-04T20:05:00.001-07:00

I must say, I am too tired to write, and the idea of blogging right now in looking at this blank page is overwhelming. But it's necessary. The challenge of organizing words to convey my thoughts to you is thrilling, and for my sanity, needed.

My feelings right now range from inspiration to exhaustion, loneliness to encouraged. My mind shifts from one thing to another, deadline to deadline, while struggling to have an overall sense of direction and purpose for this life. It's a hard thing. It's a hard thing to really engage in life when it's so raw and colorful....full of different people, causes, emotions, events, ideas, etc., because it consumes all of your senses, mind, emotion, and intellect. It can take everything out of you. Don't get me wrong, it's a good feeling, a feeling that expresses the reality that you are actually living.

But it's hard to be fully connected to people when you have to say goodbye.

It's hard to beloves by people when you don't believe you deserve the attention.

It's hard to put yourself out there, for fear that if you do, you will fail.

It's the feeling of not being "old enough" to do things well, when in reality, we are actually capable of doing those things we have always dreamed of.

That time we always looked forward to-----when we would accomplish our dreams and change the world-----well, that's now. And the idea that I want my life to reflect all those things I ever wanted with my endeavors is scary because it's calling for action. It's showtime. Now.

I feel like I am being thrown out into the world, and ready or not, reality is hitting. As put together and comfortable as I can look on the outside only contrasts with the scared little girl that trembles on my insides, staring into a bright new world of need. Unfortunately, I have never been one of those people to turn around and ignore it, I just wasn't born with that ability. I can't deny the need that is in our world.

I was inspired today. By people's actions, words, and lives. I was inspired also in stepping out, or testing the waters as some would say. I poked my toe into something and found out that it's ok, and that maybe I am ok too. Maybe I'll make it. Maybe all this time I have been prepared. For this.

Bag Lady

2009-04-30T21:51:00.000-07:00

Current word describing my room: disaster
Current food fad: mocha frapps w/ hazelnut
Currently wanting to: stay up all night looking at the stars and have great conversation, or in reality, sleep.

Wow. Marathon day. It was one of those. You start bright and early and don't get back to your room til the sun has been way down. You live out of a bag, carrying snacks, papers, medicine, and laptop with you all day. You go from class to meeting to doing homework for your next class and then maybe you'll get lunch. You breathe.....and then another meeting, dinner, blah blah blah blah blah..........and it's 11:56 p.m. and you decide to write a blog with the last few moments of the day. My brain is a blog machine. Throughout the day I constantly think of things blog-worthy to write. If I was gutsy enough to make blogging my profession, I would. Only because it satisfies some yearning in me to make sense of things through words. It's the challenge. And the more I do it, the more I like it.

I analyze the crap out of everything. Oh my goodness. In a single conversation I will take into account someone's facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact tendencies, spiritual nature, whether they are a first-born child or like coffee, whether they put their jeans on left leg first, and if they marked on the back of their license to give their organs. You name it, I can give you a run-down about you after one conversation. Ah and it gives me a headache that I do this. Today was an overstimulated day. My brain needs to stop thinking about every little thing.

College makes you into something....can't think of the word. Zombie is what I can think of right now. You go and go and go and go.....putting in so much effort to things, while trying to maintain meaningul relationships on no sleep and crap food. It wears on you. Finishin up 3 years.....and you know, I am ready to be done with this kind of life. It's definately for a season, and I can feel this season ending. My eyes, heart, and thoughts are looking outward; away from this hill.

Ok. I got on here to make a great post, but halfway through realized I was really tired. So will come back another time. Thanks for reading this, my faithful reader.

Night.

North, South, don't catch the swine flu.

2009-04-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

Currently enjoying: the Twilight soundtrack. Judging is bad, stop it.
Currently suffering from: a stomach ache. Either swine flu or the ice cream creation I made for dinner.
Currently wanting to be: not at school

So the swine flu has contaminated Mexico and parts of the U.S. Dang pigs. Drug wars have also made it unsafe to cross the border. Yes. Thank you for messing up my plans everyone. No need to let Liz figure her life out....throw those curveballs. I am kind of used to them by now. The majority of my day today was spent figuring out Plan B, C, and D, with the high chances that I will not travel to Mexico this summer like planned. It's annoying yet exhilarating to think of the countless possibilities. And you know, I might just be at peace with not going. Perhaps God has other plans. To be continued.

Getting lost= something that is becoming less and less frequent because of the recent technological creation of the GPS. But for simple girls like me, we brave the world of highways and biways with our inklings and hunches. We don't ask questions. We drive. And yes, we will figure it out....until we realize we have been driving an hour in the wrong direction. Suddenly the car becomes full of "Are you kidding me's" and curse words intertwined. One swears that he or she followed the directions perfectly, putting the blame on MapQuest, or fully admits the hunch at the very beginning: "Oh, I KNEW we were going the wrong way. I could just feel it." Give it another 30 minutes in the middle of the night, I mean morning, and you get delirious laughter. Road signs begin jumping out like clowns with big red noses. Headlights always look like they are coming at you, making you question whether you are in the wrong lane. And then there are those people that try to make you feel better about yourself: "Oh...well getting lost is sometimes the best way that we learn. It's ok, it happens to everybody." No it doesn't. People that fork out the cash to buy those computer things that tell you to turn right at the corner don't get lost. It's people like me, redheads who claim to know the difference between North and South, that get lost in the middle of the night. I woke up this morning to my parents on the computer, shopping for GPS's for their directionally-challenged daughter. Thanks?

Complaints: My brains hurts. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. The wind is loud. My hair is pulled back too tight. I don't want to be at school anymore. I locked my door so no one would think I was here. People drive me nuts.

Ever wish you could quit relationships? I am left with a lyric in mind:

"I wish you were a stranger; I could disengage....just say that we agree and then never change."

Thanks Fray.

Weather and some social observances

2009-04-22T14:51:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Missy Higgins, Frou Frou, and Adele
Currently feasting on: Sobe green tea
Currently wearing: a skirt my extravegant Spanish teacher from high school would have worn

It's hot out today. I walked out in jeans only to turn back around, after walking 5 feet and sweating, to change to a free-flowing skirt that would grant me some air to stay cool. I don't trust warm weather in Missouri. It's the feeling of knowing that there's a surprise around the corner. Today it's 80 degrees, tomorrow it will snow. It's like the boy who cried wolf. Do you really think we're going to believe this trick, Missouri weather? I don't think so. Tomorrow I am wearing my winter coat.

Being in a college world where E-mail is one's only key to survival, I have seen my fair share of E-mails. And hey, I have even written a few. My observation is that E-mails reflect one's personality and/or major. I have a friend that puts the word "yo" either in the subject line or at the end of every sentence. I have wondered why this is. This friend is majorly laid back; "chill" some would say. Is it that people add "yo" to the end of their sentences in order to make it more friendly, less formal, more buddyish? Other people I know tend to put everything they are thinking at the time in a paragraph, making you try to code through all the words to find the one sentence that purposed the E-mail in the first place. It's like a game. Others ignore every lesson every learned aboutgrammar and punctuation and type the text, nothing else. Like capitalizing the first letter of the sentence is conforming to society or something. Now as a communication major, I have my preferences, but if everyone had the same E-mail writing, what would be the fun in that, right? This paragraph would be non-existent.

My philosophy on "being bored..." Oh my goodness, there is nothing worse than being a stressed-out, hairless, sleep deprived college student and hearing your friends at home talk about "being bored." Really? Really? If you are out of high school and bored, you need to check up on the whole "purpose" thing in life. Working at Wendy's doesn't count. Besides the whole doing something with your life thing, being bored is a state of mind. Along with the statement above, there is nothing worse than being with someone when they tell you that they are bored. What are you supposed to say to that? "Great, I am having fun with you too." I think being bored is what boring people say.

Alright, there are my thoughts for the day. I am going to go stare and analyze the human race some more.

A heart's rant

2009-04-21T19:48:00.000-07:00

Currently feeling: indifferent
Currently listening to: "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen"
Currently wanting: to get away

It's time for one of those blogs explaining one of those moods. You know these. You don't care about anything. You feel like doing something but you don't know what you want to do. You can't seem to be content. You are anxious about moving onto the next season in your life. You stuff Junior Mints into your mouth on the way home from Wal-Mart only to have one fall on the wayside, melting into a brown blob on the crotch of your pants. One of those moods. And so you turn on your favorite sentimental, reflecting songs and try to work up a good cry because it will make you feel better. Just because. Because in the world there is injustice and unhappy people. There is a truth that we are so blinded from seeing because of our simply humanness.

Do you ever get frustrated because you know you are "missing it?" You know that you are letting yourself get caught up in all of the meaningless things that barge in front of your face. You let things cloud your vision, and it frustrates you. I know time is ticking away. I know I am wishing my life away. I hate knowing that tomorrow I will wake up and be 70, looking back on my years, telling young kids how fast time goes by and for them to appreciate being young. Knowing this, you would think I would live each day for the beauty of the day. Or not worry about stupid things. But in my knowledge of a great truth and eternal reality, I watch the fog consume my vision, and gladly welcome the comfort of my meaningless stresses. There is only so much my human thoughts can do to stay connected to such an eternal kingdom.

I analyze people too much. I analyze relationships too much. I wish I could turn it off. And then, as a communication major, I tend to analyze the way people speak and form their sentences; unhealthy habits......like my Junior mint craze today in the car that left my pants looking like a dirty diaper.

I wish I could do better.

CA: Chocolate Anonymous

2009-04-16T18:43:00.000-07:00

Currently savoring: Ghirardelli INTENSE DARK chocolate: Mint Bliss
Currently drinking: Steaz Green Tea Soda: Key Lime that looks like a bottle of beer
Currently going: nuts-o

This blog is dedicated to all my faithful readers. You know who you are.

My brothers sat down recently and told me that an addiction is something you can't go a day without. Their smoking habits were what they were referring to, but to their naive little sister, the only thing flooding her mind was chocolate. I have come to realize that I have a binging problem and it's with chocolate. Once a day I gather all the chocolate in my 5-foot radius and go to town. Sometimes it's dark, milk, silk, you name it. Sometimes it takes swarming through the halls of Ely, stealing whatever candy I can get from outside the RA's rooms. What is great is that Dove is even enhancing your addiction experience with these inspirational phrases. "Believe in yourself" or "Take some time to breathe."

Disclaimer must say that I am not one of those women that brag about being a chocolate obsessionist just to be feminine, like those who talk about breaking up with their boyfriends, eating ice cream and watching a chick flic or who thrive in complaining about their periods to feel more womanly. I am the genuine type. No faking here. I looked online and can't seem to find a support group though. Gandhi once said "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Maybe God is telling me to start my own support group. I don't know if I'm ready for that step. Let's go ask Dove...

Psycho academic week=Survival? We'll see. My goal is surviving through tomorrow. That means progress must happen on my Lit. Review tonight. It's going well, can't you see. Look I am too tired to even put a question mark at the end of that sentence.

I have a redhead in a red and green striped onzy pj suit hovering over me with her citrus fruit in hand. This is for you fellow Beyonce.

Go cocoa.

Midnight Revelations.

2009-04-07T21:40:00.000-07:00

Currently needing: a shoulder massage
Currently looking for: an internship
Latest Dove chocolate saying: "Believe in yourself"

Yesterday I turned in a 43-page paper. Today I am recovering. College cannot be healthy for a human being.

I have a chocolate problem.

I have noticed that I interact with guys by punching them. What does this mean?

I have become obsessed with being a business-like-organizational-get the work done-woman.

I want to play my fingers on the piano keys right now.

It seems that everyone in my life right now is either getting engaged, married, divorced, or having a baby. Stop it.

I ran 1 1/2 miles today. Yes beast. Thank you jogging class.

In closing, let's meditate on Imogen Heap's words:

mmmm whatcha say.

Hey.

2009-03-28T23:07:00.000-07:00

Currently Feeling: The effects of more than my 1800 daily calorie intake today
Currently Looking at: My floor-aka a newly cleaned room
Currently Watched: Good Will Hunting, Twilight, and In Vegas or whatever it's called

Today was a rather snowy day for late March in the Midwest. Can't say that I am surprised though. It's the Midwest for goodness sakes. Anything can happen. I hear there's supposed to be a hurricane next week.

So in light of the dreariness of the day, I spent approximately 6 hours of my life on my buttox watching movies.....3 movies to be exact. I have never done this. Not sure how I feel about it. Wait, yes I do. Spending too much time on material things makes me crazy. My consious doesn't like it. It's like spending too much time on my make-up....or figuring out what to wear. A waste of time. Or when you realize you've spent all evening stalking people via Facebook. Ah the things we don't admit.

Movies like Twilight are creepy; they suck you in. I am the one that doesn't like to partipate in movie crazes such as Harry Potter, Star Wars, Pirates of the Carribbean (p.s. please ignore spelling tonight. I am just not caring)....the kind of movies people dress up and go to the midnight show. It's like I am giving into societal obsession. So really, tonight was too early to engage into the Twilight movies. But I did. And yep, think the vampire is extremely attractive, the love story-sweet, and will be the first to see the 2nd one. What a sucker. Seriously.

There is something about college that has made me not care of cleanliness. What in the world happened? I stared down at my floor tonight---oh wait, I couldn't see my floor---and I thought, if mom saw this she would flip. I wasn't like this til my last year of high school....life starts to speed up and I just stopped maintaining a clean room. It's gross actually.

I started my jogging class last week. The first thing my teacher said was "I love running. I just ran my 100th (added for exaggeration) triatholon" Awesome, I thought. Very awesome (note the sarcasm). She also told us we would be able to run 3 miles in 7 weeks. Awesome again. All I could do was make jokes in my head the whole time. Most of them were fat jokes. It's quite halarious. But heck, I ran my first set of 2 miles ever in my life on Thursday. I managed to survive. I didn't know what to do with myself once I got to my room...it was like my body was overheating and I didn't like the feel of my clothes sticking to me. So I locked my door, ripped off my clothes, and stood in front of the fan. The effects of the run began to hit me one-by-one throughout the day. A body experience I had never encountered. The thing I hate about exercising is that I automatically eat more calories. I can't keep my brain from thinking that way. My body must be so confused: run 2 miles----->eat 3 donuts. Ok. Awesome.

By the way, I really love donuts.

There is something about night after midnight. Things get calm. I like it. It feels like you are the only one awake in the world...much easier to reflect and/or get things done. Or, the girls in my hall finally stop screaming and carrying on. Ah dorm life.

I am not one of those people that spend hours on a blog post, write it out earlier, plan it, or even read back over it. So.....here it is. Radically Raw.

Radically Raw....hm.....I like that.

Another reflection.

2009-03-10T14:11:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Iron & Wine
Currently drinking: Coffee
Currently looking forward to: Spring Break, aka Florida

Good afternoon. It's a cloudy March afternoon. I am sitting in the Union with some friends, ear phones plugged into my ears, Iron & Wine singing, coffee settling in my stomach. It's a peaceful afternoon for me. Just content. Just here. You know? Life is going to happen. My 7 page paper that I am supposed to be working on right now will get written....*moment of panic that I need to start working on it.* My future will pan out, regardless of my stress level.

All I have for you right now is a train of a few thoughts.

I went home this weekend for the first time in the semester. Just for a little while. And it was rather therapeutic. I like my parents and spending time with them keeps me grounded. They are wise and respectable human beings and I get to call them my mom and dad. A lucky girl I am. I like my mom's obsession with hot cinnamon rolls and how I think of her every time I eat fruit cobbler and ice cream. I like listening to my dad's funeral stories at dinner. I like hearing about the people he embalmed years ago. And heck, he showed me the pair of glass eyeballs he kept from a dead man years back. I held them. It was gross. But I will accept my bragging about it.

I love how my parents parent. They give their opinion but don't force anything. They support me....man that sounds cliche. But it's true, so it's not cliche in this case, right? I just hope I can be half of a parent to my children as they have been to me.

Wow, I guess that's all I have right now. I think I got distracted and it interrupted my flow. My internet just went off and my heart panicked with the fear of losing these sentimental words. So now I am on edge, calming down from the distress. But praise God blogger.com saves. I am also aware of the paper I need to be writing. So enjoy this blog.

Come again.

On a snowy afternoon...

2009-02-28T13:52:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to: Tracy Chapman
Currently eating: Kashi Maple Brown Sugar Oatmeal
Currently recovering from: a luxurious afternoon nap

Major inspiration calls for back-to-back blogs. Honestly, it's because someone mentioned that she loves reading my blog and it secretly made me convicted that I had put the pen down so-to-speak and lacked frequent postings. Because of previous instances, fears of random people and strangers reading my blog hesitates me to write at times. But today, you found me in the right spot.

I like how snow has authority to divert all plans at any given time. If snow comes, then plans are automatically shifted to a 50% attendance record. You have the right to choose a) it's too slick and dangerous for my little, light car to travel in these conditions, or b) I will toil and work to get the several feet of snow off my car to come and make it to my prior commitment which shows that I am majorly faithful and deserve a pat on the back. Today, I have given the snow control. This morning I attended an important commitment, but this afternoon, all of my plans have been thankfully lifted off my shoulders and it's an automatic "lazy Saturday afternoon," praise God. And it caught me at just the right time where I needed rest, not really recognizing that til now. So I am cozy in a blanket in my green chair in the corner of my room, staring out at the inches of snow covering Liberty right now. And for the first time this year, I don't mind it. I think it's because it's a pretty significant amount. Snow either needs to not be here at all, or make a dramatic appearance.

So I need to verbalize via Blog my recent frustration with the male species. Men, don't be awkward about this, maybe it will give you insight on atleast one female perspective. This is what happens....this is what Liz encounters with males: I meet a "nice guy" somewhere, somehow, and have an immediate connection. This connection leads to a great conversation wherever we are. During that interaction, of course, I am analyzing our chemistry and whether he's a strong candidate (embarassing to admit these things). I leave totally speechless. He of course didn't ask for a phone number or initiate any other contact, but I secretly hope that he will desparately seek out my information from a source and find me because he just feels so in love with me......ok back to reality. This of course never happens. And I get stuck telling my good friends about these "one-night stands" (in a non-sexual way) that never worked out and whom I never see again. But at the time, I am positive that I could marry the guy. So is the story of a rather passionate and impatient girl I guess. After several let-downs, I have trained my heart to stay guarded and my conclusions, not jumped. It's just that I find myself with two rather extreme interactions with men: solely romantic and the "just friends" label. I have not found the medium.

Boys note: girls hate it when you only talk about yourself. Ask questions and seem interested in her.

Today is a great day. Know why? Because it's one of the few days that music is hitting my mood today perfectly. This is a rare occasion.

Ok, well enjoy the snow. Go jump in it or something. I am going to go bond with some special people.

Adios.

Ponderings in the office

2009-02-27T18:18:00.001-08:00

Currently listening to: Joshua Radin
Currently smelling like: cafeteria
Currently surrounded by: 2 wonderful people, aka Anna and Megan

I am lounging in the office of Ely, sporting my sweatpants and choosing a cozy Friday evening in the dorm. Wait....being on RA duty isn't actually choosing...but I am choosing a great attitude about it. It is nice to unwind from a crazy week. No more thinking or staring at homework, please.

My thoughts lately:

Do you ever find yourself insecure of some of your most valuable and unique traits?

I really like melty ice cream.

Just like high school, being a "senior" in college is rather emotional and bittersweet....*fill in cheesy one-liners here, following with "I don't know what to do with my life" statements*

I have found myself much more comfortable and thriving in leadership/organizing roles lately.

My heart melts for Mexican immigrants.

Monday you will find me watching the season finale of the Bachelor.

So long. Farewell.

Finally Free

2009-02-08T10:56:00.000-08:00

Currently into: chocolate milk
Currently listening to: the hum of the heater
Currently sporting: the braid

Today in church, I found myself completely taken away by truth. It wasn't a special service with special music to dazzle a crowd. It was just another service displaying the grace and power of God. But the words spoken were just the right words for my heart at that exact moment. The power of the Word connected with my heart in such a way to break chains and burdens that have weighed my heart. Chains that I didn't even know were there. I was genuinely moved...Overwhelmed with joy. Ecstatic with freedom. In awe of this revelation. This revelation of Jesus. Who He is.....

The Messiah. The Son of God. The Truth. The Way. My salvation. My hope. My Savior.

And when something like this really clicks with you...when you really get it. It sets you free. From deception, false identity, false reality. From my religion.

I guess I am knowing Jesus for who He really is. I am no longer taking bits and pieces of who I want Him to be, but am allowing His complete wholeness to reside within my being, giving Him all authority and lordship over my life.

So today when I took communion, I felt immersed in bountiful grace and honored with the true revelation of Christ. I was humbled. And I accepted all He is and all He gave. For me.

For I am His and He is mine, bought with the precious blood of Christ.

Jesus and Love.

2009-02-05T11:45:00.000-08:00

Currently listening: Ben Rector, "Ready for Change"
Currently drinking: Mocha/vanilla/hazelnut Frapp
Currently enjoying: wearing Chaco's again

Greetings from this Hill. It's a 60 degree February day. An opportunity to break out the Chaco's, atleast for a little while. It feels good to let these feet breathe.

Lately my conversations have included talks about faith....truth...Jesus.....love. And in that, questions about what is right and wrong. And what is the correct way to conduct ministry. Always, the answer to these complex and controversial issues ends up being "Jesus" or "love." Nice and simple. I pull those answers all the time. But really, what does that mean? Because two very different answers scream in my ears:

A churh condemns homosexuals, pushing them to change or go to hell, in the name of "love"....claiming telling the truth is love. They invade politics, hoping to save more babies and keep marriage sacred.....in the name of Jesus. Others take the other side of Jesus....the merciful, accepting Jesus, to reach out to poor people and spend time taking care of the environment. But be careful to offend people. It's important to be socially accepted. Both are expressed in rather polarized ways. Both sides have valid points and claim "their way" is the way of "Jesus," of "love." But is Jesus one or the other?

Jesus hates sin. That's clear in the Bible. But He is around it too....He's around the sick, gross, smelly, bad-mouthed people, God-hating people. How does He do that? He is peaceful and accepting even though He is holy and righteous. Deserving of more than anything we have to offer.

How do we act this out? People need to hear truth, right? But people also need to be loved. Is there a way to do both? They must go together somehow. I don't think we've figured it out yet.

Perhaps both contain an essence of Christ's character. But should be have to "choose" or go to complete extremes? There must be a way to live this out. Like Jesus. The real one...not the one we make Him out to be to conform to our world....but the Son of God. The One that came to save us.

Faith can become such a complex...rationalized....thought-out thing. Indeed, I think it should be. Deconstructing one's beliefs is important to come out liberated and confident of truth. But the process is uncomfortable and leaves on fairly insecure. The reason what seems to be such a simple truth can be overwhelming and complex in our human minds is because I believe God is so much bigger and mightier than any of our intellects could understand. God is bigger than our arguments. God is bigger than "who is in and who is out."

This is when recognize the time to throw up our hands and surrender. There is so much we don't know. So stop claiming that you have it....because right when you do, God becomes less God and you become your own.

I am put in my place. I am humbled. I am weak. His truth must shine in this life. His love needs to pour out of me. Because I am incapable of doing any of this living on my own.

Surprisingly, I find this all unconventionally....beautiful.

This is what I think about when I eat powdered donuts

2009-01-09T19:07:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to: Damien Rice. Thriving Ivory.
Currently reading: Through Painted Deserts

"I don't know who I am without you. All I know is that I should." -Missy Higgins

A shout out to all of you who have been in relationships before. It is quite the deal. Even 2 years after you have called it quits, it can still be a big deal. A mystery to me, that's for sure. What is it with this human love thing that brings so many people together for a pseudo happiness that leaves you empty? Even knowing the awful results, you do it over and over again. It's like this black hole that continues to suck me in (shout out to astronomy folks who have studied black holes). What's up with me doing shout outs? Anyway. He has been in the back of my mind for all this time...just hanging out, displaying the fact that I have not cut the tie. I know a big decision is around the corner for me: letting go. Easy said. Very not easy done. I have been on this path many times....only to realize I have been going in circles. Ok. Time to get out, Liz.

I recently developed a new concept of freedom. Freedom is when you have given up all your rights to yourself....your desires....life. God has them and you are empty handed. It's no longer your responsibility to control the matters of your life; it's His. So you don't have to worry! This leaves us free to simply follow. Trust. Be free.

I yearn for that.

You know, I tried to think of ways I could write about this guy thing without actually being honest....avoiding sounding like a 13-year-old girl writing her diary out on Xanga for the world to see.......or you know, the tricky blogesk kind of writing....like parables or something. But that frame of mind is a rarity in a brain like mine. So--it is what it is, says the communication major who has been taught to state the facts.

A glimpse into my life.

The day before Christ was born

2008-12-24T19:06:00.000-08:00

Currently eating: italian cookies
Currently never listening to again: Christmas music
Currently dreaming of: leading worship

Christmas Eve traditions are complete. Our over-filling dinner of ham and fixings has passed with much groaning and saying "I will never eat again." Singing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus was sung loudly by all the grandkids. I insistently asked them what the three candles on the angel food cake represented, encouraging the spiritual, deep meaning to all the things we do in this family and carrying the tradition of my grandma. After the "Larry, Curly and Moe" jokes subsided, I re-explained the idea of The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and that's what the three candles represent. We then attended the Christmas Eve service at church as a whole family just like every year.

We are now sitting around the fire discussing the matters of the day, waiting for Christmas to come. I devistatingly watched my mom fill stockings for the grandkids tonight. Devistating is the word I use to describe this because this is my childhood revealed...this is what they did every Christmas Eve? Ah. I'm old. I remember the days when I would immediately go to bed after service, being told that the earlier you go to sleep, the quicker Santa comes, and in the morning, waking up to stockings full of chapstick, deoderant, gum, and other necessities. This is the first year we don't have stockings. Welcome to adulthood.

There is nothing about adulthood that seems attractive right now. Having to make my own decisions with the fear of owning all the consequences to them, good or bad, makes me sick to my stomach. I mean I do it now, but adulthood is like being released and pushed out of any last comfort that is left at the age of 21. This time next year, I will be done with my exams....classes....backpacks....forever. And my future will be in my hands. Gross. Just gross. Is this real? Take it back. All those times I wished I were older. I take it back. Let me be forever 21.

Ok. So I am frustrated. Because all day today I have thought of things, experienced feelings, that are blog-worthy. But now, I am drawing blanks, or just lacking the umph to continue with taste. So here are the end of my thoughts:

I am thankful for my health. It's indescribable feeling this way. The Lord is faithful.

It's funny the way you are around your family. I've been observing this lately. I am the youngest redhead that looks nothing like her siblings and is the smartest, most driven and musical of the family. Don't worry, this is what they tell me. I am not that conceited. I tend to be the quieter helper around here. That's how I feel anyway. That's all about that.

I am ready to pursue my music. For real.

I have some serious New Year's resolutions this year.....I never do that. But I have some serious make-overing to do in many areas. I am ready for a new Liz with the intent of finding the real Liz somewhere in there.

Well... Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad and most importantly, Happy Birthday, Jesus.

***Fun fact of the day: My dad and I "You tubed" Santana music today in order to find the English translation to his song, "Oye como va." Heard it? This is what it means: "How's it goin? My rythme is good for partying, babe." It repeats that through the whole thing. Dang, Santana, you are clever.

Ramblings of an overcaffeinated redhead.

2008-12-21T21:23:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to: Snow Patrol
Current addiction: coffee
Current breakthrough: singing in front of people

I am a passionate person. I am very extreme. If I am craving M&M's, I have to eat the whole bag. If I am going to wash my dishes, I am going to clean my whole room. If I am going to read a book, I am going to finish that book in a day, by golly jeepers. So with this, I go through different fads I guess you could say. Blogging for example. I will probably blog every day during the break. I am just in the mood. I wasn't a month ago. But heck, I am now. So I am going to blog. It's like something hits me and turns on my urge to write so a million people around the world or maybe even none can read my chasing thoughts, my pointless ponderings.

I have been visited by the blog fairy.

Usually the cause for blogging is I go through a phase of reading a lot. Reading always inspires me to write out my thoughts. But I would not categorize myself as a reader. I am not a fan of fiction....I am working on that one. But when I finally find books I like, I devour them and talk about them for weeks. I love it. It makes me feel smart.

I have recently observed that I get this trait from my mom. My mom has put our family through every health kick or diet, depending on whether no-carbs are in or not and what book she is reading that week. At times carbs were bad. Other times, it was the sugar. Organic. No yeast. Name it. Done it.Sometimes the new trend comes from a "gal at work" or something Oprah said.

There was a time when she would drink nothing but Diet Coke. Then at some point in time I blinked and opened my eyes to find that she hated Diet Coke and loves Coke. Now the only thing she drinks is Coke. She even converted to the Pepsi side for awhile. She is back the the classic Coca-Cola now. When mom sits down at the end of the day, she knows that she deserves that Coke and bag of chips. She loves the crunch of those chips. She will savor every crunch of those Kettle cooked Lays without a glimpse of guilt. And I love that.

Mom wants to enjoy her dessert. She will not waste her calories on just any ol' rush of sweetness. She wants her pie homemade, heated up, and with ice cream melted on top. If you are going to go, you go all the way. I also have inherited this way.

I love it when mom gets excited....when she is in her element. It's usually when she is doodling, painting, crafting, creating in any sort of way. Her mind just goes and she is in another world. It's beautiful. Truly beautiful. I hope she allows herself to stay in that place. She deserves that joy all the time.

So I just went on a rant about my mom. And I know that I could continue. After awhile, you realize you know your parents pretty well....right down to every little habit. I want to write a book about my parents. I just decided that as I typed out those words. Alright. Better get started.

Oh wait, I had other thoughts. Wait, no. That should just go in another blog. Ah. Here I go rambling again making the end of this awkward like talks with nursing majors about sex. Of course I've never done that.

Viva.

The F-bomb, hanging bras and Christmas traffic

2008-12-20T19:40:00.000-08:00

Currently reading: Cold Tangerines
Currently eating: Apple Jacks w/ Rice Milk
Currently enjoying: catching up with old friends

Today I made the mistake of partaking in the stupidest decision too many people make on the Saturday before Christmas....going to the mall. Ok, I feel everyone must experience this atleast once in their life, but never again. I sat in a long line of cars for 45 minutes and moved maybe 20 feet. Ok, I have no idea if that estimation is even near accurate, but it's the first thing that came to mind. Hope it makes my point. It wasn't until I found myself sandwiched bumper to bumper between a thousand cars filled with caffeinated, stressed out shoppers who imagine they are the only people in a hurry to get out of there, that I realized what I had gotten myself into.

When stuck in traffic, one is able to fit in some much needed people watching time. I saw a few drop the F-bomb. It's funny you just know it when you see it. It's the way their eyes rage and lips curl up when you know that a very vile 4-letter word has just escaped their mouth. I also saw a very nice Volvo with what looked like very normal, friendly people inside. Nothing strange about the scene until I took notice of the white bra hanging from their rear view mirror...........? It was like finding Where's Waldo in his red-striped shirt among Gothic people without glasses, dressed in black. It just didn't fit.

Within this 45 minute traffic experience, I encountered several emotions. This is understandable for anyone, but especially for one who recently finished finals, just wanted to run in to buy a quick pair of jeans which didn't happen because I am in between sizes and insecure about my weight to say the least, and I was late to a coffee date with an old friend. At one point I found myself screaming.....you know I am not joking.....during the hysterical moments. Laughing when it got past the point of sanity. And cussing in my head to the people who I saw pass me, laughing and enjoying themselves with the loved ones in their car, like it was Christmastime or something. There is no worse feeling than wasting 1/3 tank of gas (again, another made up figure) by partaking in a rather materialistic, vein tradition and being seen with all the shop-a-holics that do weird things like wake up at 3 in the morning to shop the day after Thanksgiving and wait in line to return all their gifts at Wal-Mart the day after Christmas. You know, it's just not healthy. And you would think I would catch myself before doing such a thing today, but for some reason it did not cross my mind.

After my adventure, I had coffee with an old friend, actually, a girl I used to disciple in high school. Our interaction reminded me of the deep need for community, to be understood, and the value of the seeds we sow. It was refreshing and encouraging. She is doing amazing considering some unfortunate events in her life. She is positive, determined, and seeing the Lord work throughout the situations in her life. It's wonderful to see that. It really is.

So I am sitting in a quiet home, staring at a Christmas tree covered with old paper wreaths and felt stocking ornaments. My brain is still settling it's thoughts after a rather rough few months. I survived yet another semester in college. It's an accomplishment I hope to make 2 more times. Possibilities for life after college have aggressively charged through my mind. I allow them some time, but place them on hold for awhile in order to enjoy this very moment. To be here. To be present. To not miss it.

Here is the part where I make some witty conclusion to this whole experience. This is where I get insecure of my blogging abilities and throw my hands up to my fellow English major, clever, intelligent bloggers who read a lot. Props to you. I just can't find it in me to sit here another 10 minutes and think about how it would be fitting to end my post.

So....It is what it is.

Saturday Ponderings

2008-11-22T14:37:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to: Pandora radio, Missy Higgins station
Currently into: pumpkin pie and working out
Currently feeling: sleepy

I haven't blogged a sufficient amount lately compared to the amount of content that my brain has been processing the past few weeks. There's just so much I have been thinking about lately. And you know, I feel blog inadequate right now to wittingly write out and organize all my thoughts for you. So here's a choppy low-down. To the core.

I have a fear of getting old.
I have a sugar addiction. Really.
I can't get over someone.
I love playing the piano.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life in a year.
Is there really someone out there that is perfect for me? Because I doubt.

And I have been needing the Lord to remind me of the short amount of time we have here. Because a reality check would get me back on board. A reality check would begin a much needed transformation in me.

Enough talking. Off to discovery....

Some life.

2008-11-17T17:02:00.000-08:00

Some candy and a tummy-ache

2008-10-31T22:03:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween. My night was spent sitting in the lobby of my dorm watching freshman girls walk out in rather risk-ay costumes. I ate a lot of candy. Did my laundry. Studied. Made sure rukus didn't break out among the youngsters. Happy Halloween.

Things I have pondered lately:

I was very disappointed in my Runts today. They now include pineapple and some mango-type flavor. I do not enjoy either. Darn waste of calories. But I enjoy Kit-Kats, so it's alright.

I have the craziest sense of smell. I am telling you. I have the tendency to guess the brand and flavor of gum being chewed in one's mouth. I am what we call "smell sensitive." If you come near me, I might identify you with a smell. It's become a habit.

What in the world is the deal with Halloween? Is there a rule saying you have to dress like a hoe? Because everyone follows that rule.

I am confident that I have not met the man of my dreams yet. I am just disappointed in my interaction with guys lately. I have not been impressed whatsoever. I need someone that gets me.

I applied this week for a public speaking job, aka a dream job of mine. I can't explain the feeling I had turning that baby in. Accomplishment is the closest I can get. Not too profound, but just applying encourages me that I am still alive and trying at this thing called life. And hey, maybe I will live out a few dreams of mine. I wouldn't mind that at all.

William Jewell announced this week their plan to raise tuition prices 6.4% to $31,000. Awesome. Thanks William Jewell, I needed that. Really. That makes me want to go here even more. So my parents and I have been storming up a plan for me to graduate a semester early. Is it possible? There is a chance it is. Must wait and see. But if I do, I have a lot of mental preparation to do.

It's 12:13 a.m. Happy November.

Let's eat turkey.

Oh baby baby

2008-10-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

Currently feeling: Endorphins at work
Currently eating: a lot
Current obsession: today's Fall weather
Current thought: life after college
4 Days in Blue Springs: 2 Starbucks nights, 3 Wal-mart trips, a haircut, a shot in my arm, and the return of the coffee addiction

I just got back from a nice stroll around the block. I feel good. I feel refreshed. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here. I move back to reality tomorrow. Once I hit that campus a flood of thoughts and responsibilities will be waiting to greet me. I will enjoy this while I can.

So I have been thinking about what I want to do after college. It's been a very non-stressful thought which is surprising. I am excited to think about it. I will be excited to move on as well. At the moment I would enjoy moving to a part of the United States with a large Hispanic population and begin work with immigration-related issues. I would love to native English-speakers about the Hispanic culture...the language...the issues; building a bridge between the two.

Along with that, I have had a sudden desire for the married life with red-headed children (wouldn't that be splendid?). It's not that I have never wanted to find an amazing man to start a new life with....it's just that the desire has increased and reality shows that I am of age.....the door is wide open. And kids....oh baby, soccer mom here I come......

I had a dream last night that I had a baby. Maybe that's why I am thinking about it today. Although I am convinced it was the extreme pain of my ovaries screaming at me last night that caused this dream. Maybe the pain was close to labor. I wouldn't doubt it.

Cheers to you soccer mom.

BS

2008-10-18T18:44:00.000-07:00

Currently on: Fall Break
Currently reading: Sex God by Rob Bell
Current fad: reading the paper
Current feeling: release
Currently developing: an interest in politics
Currently looking forward to: getting married and having kids

Hello Fall Break. I am enjoying the comfort of my bed in a very middle-school decorated room that I once occupied on a regular basis. The creaks in the floor, the sound of my parents walking down the hall, the smell of mom's food is.....pleasantly familiar.

Blue Springs is not much anymore. I drove around town last night looking for something to do. Guaranteed I always end up at Starbucks drinking coffee and reading/writing. BS is the place of my past......many memories. Although there are some nice developments happening...more strip malls. For strip malls, BS is the place to be.

Today was the perfect Fall day. A perfect Fall day is very rare considering good Fall weather only lasts for a very short time. I wore very fall colors today. Along with my brown glasses and red hair, I blended into the leaves. Call me Autumn. I just said "very" 3 times.

I love Spanish right now. I love loving my major and what I am learning. It's about time I get excited about my education. Now let's move to Mexico.

Lately I have realized about myself:
I am smell-sensitive
I don't enjoy pig meat
I like to control situations...not saying this is good
I love learning
I love the pumpkin Candy Corns
The first thing I notice about my girls friends is a change in their hair and/or weight

Go jump in some leaves.

Coming Back

2008-10-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: John Mayer "Say"
Currently eating: granola
Currently: raining outside
Looking forward to: fall break

I feel majorly blessed by the love and forgiveness that God has given me and shown me through his people. I don't know why people don't just smack me over the head.

I had some much needed conversations this weekend.....reaffirming, redirecting, and reconnecting my relationships. The people in my life are understanding and merciful despite my inconsistent self. I am thankful.

I went to a beautiful and meaningful wedding on Saturday. I had wonderful company and witnessed a God-centered and blessed union of two special people in my life. It renewed hope for my future.

I just made a big batch of granola and oh......it's fabulous.

It's rainy evening which calls for my sweatpants and hoodie. Yey for fall.

I began to look at classes today for next semester and I am struggling with the reality that there are three more semesters left of my college career. Wow ok. I just got here yesterday.

May I end with the fact that I am listening AND enjoying a song right now about "Bleeding Love."

Social Butterfly

2008-10-09T18:47:00.000-07:00

Currently feeling: tired
Currently going: to a Homecoming bonfire
Wearing: pink

My life feels like a movie right now.

Life seems so fragile and magnified in this William Jewell bubble. Everyone knows everyone. You can't ignore any problem here; it's always brought to the surface. Because it's such a small school, relationships are everything. And high-maintenence might I add.

I just don't know how to handle people sometimes. I feel like this week I have lacked a patience that is required for my current circumstances. I find different relationships thriving week to week. It's a roller coaster, and I get off wind-blown. It's too much sometimes.

What makes relationships so unique is the vulnerability one feels in exposing one's heart to an other. Fear of rejection. Judgement. Sometimes it's like that....luckily there are times it's not. But tonight I feel like I am dealing with some of the former. I need to heal---in more ways than one.

Right now is a moment where I am completely indifferent. I don't know what I want to do...listen to.....who I want to be around.......

I am socially: worn-out.

This too shall pass.

Where I'm at

2008-09-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: the new Phil Wickham c.d.
Eating: granola
Feeling: refreshed

Lately I have observed in my life the importance of:

good health
self-control
communication
questioning
worshipping
love.

I feel satisfied right now. And for once, satisfied with not knowing. Satisfied with continuing the search for answers. I just had some amazing conversations with fascinating people that stimulated so much thought in me about God, life, the body, truth. It's not black and white. The truth might be black and white, but we all see different colors. And in trying to make sense of what we call "God," we try to convince the other that He's purple when they see green. Who's right? Is there a right answer? Or are we all just clueless?

The ladder is all I find to be true.

God is bigger than all of this down here. All of this crap; injustice, sickness, hipocrisy, religion, confusion. What we view as truth is so little to the vastness of its pure form. We are clueless humans who are trying to get through life. If only we would notice Him. If only we would stop pointing fingers and looking around and recognize His presence.

Recognize His greatness.

Sometimes I wonder if it's possible for the Body of Christ to get along. It seems like a mess. It's overwhelming. But God loves the church. God wants us to fight for the church. Don't we have the responsibility to atleast try? To believe for the best?

Right now I will insert my cliche comment for the day: "Can't we all just get along?"
Ok I feel better.

Life is gorgeous. To be able to engage in conversation that challenges my beliefs, stimulates my intellect, and inspires my heart, is the most healthy thing I can do for myself right now. And I know there are those who have not been liberated or educated enough to face such thoughts; who remain ignorant, some by choice, others not knowing.

I've gone through crap. I understand sickness. Bad relationships. Family problems. Depression. Hurt by the church. I've questioned politics and religion. And I know that my faith is more real now. My ideas, more clear. My perspective, larger. My joy, more complete. I've recognized the importance of thinking for oneself, for questioning, for listening. And I have been liberated from conformity. Religion. Judgement. Ignorance. Condemnation.

And I love this destination.

Because I am free.

Abba Father

2008-09-14T20:53:00.000-07:00

I don't know that I have ever been at this place before.

I am weak. Dependent. I have never been so paralyzed...staring at the world moving around me. My body doesn't listen to me. My body doesn't do what it's supposed to do. I don't think I've had a trial this tough, this long. When it's over, will there be anything left?

There is this constant sorrow in me. Being sick. No one can see it on the outside. No one knows if I am having a bad day. It's all inside of me. Never ending. And I am....out of control. It's out of my hands. It's out of my reach. Circumstances seem to be spiraling on their own. I am left. Broken. I want it to stop. I don't want to be sick anymore.

Is this what taking up your cross meant? If so, I am willing. It is just hurting.

Questions have been racing through my mind: Should I take this semester off? Is it healthy for me to be here with the stress of school? What do I want to do with my life? When will I have an answer to this thorn in my side?

It's a lot. It is. And I admit my short-comings and my brokeness. And among my complaining, I know I am right where God wants me. I just feel like a baby-absolutely helpless. In need of a Savior- a daddy.

So tonight I cry, "Abba Father. Not my will, but Yours, Oh God."

"Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!" John 12:27-28

Back

2008-09-04T14:26:00.000-07:00

Currently Listening: Mark Mathis,, Gasoline Heart
Currently Eating: Dairy-free chocolate chips
Currently: procrastinating

Liz, welcome back to college! These are the things you will encounter:

Lack of sleep
An obsession of sleep when you have the time to do so
Too much reading
Pressure to figure out your life
Professors that speak 100 mph in Spanish
Several emotions that will drive you nuts

Alright. I am back, writing you from my dorm room, procrastinating. My goal was to get my Spanish homework done before dinner. But I felt the urge to blog. When this happens, one must respect the urge.

I am enjoying being back here. There are so many things I love here...the amazing people.....and well, that's all I can think of right now. There's more probably. My brain just isn't caring much about this point. I am glad to be back. There. Now to random.....

The other day, after getting back from class and lunch, I realized something while looking in the mirror. I had put two very different earrings on. These were two very distinct, large, dangly, sparkly earrings. Very different. I love laughing at myself.

My good friend Alyssa just got engaged......whoa......and asked me to be her maid of honor.....double whoa.

Everyone needs to stop getting married.
This is weird.
We're old.

Speaking of, a month til my 21st birthday.

Today I had another thought looking in the mirror, following a conversation with my best friend about why we don't date. I looked at my outfit....a little loud and creative.....and I thought, you mean I have been dressing weird for all the years thinking I'm cute and no one has told me how ridiculous I look!? So THIS is why I have no boys in my vida (life).

But then my friend said I was cute. So I was fine.

I am going to do Spanish homework now, aka devote my life to studying like a maniac with no life.

I will survive.

Summer endings

2008-08-19T19:31:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Snow Patrol
Currently reading: Sex God by Rob Bell
Currently dreaming about: seeing my friends again
Current realization: This summer I am white.

I don't know what else to do with myself at the moment, so of course, blog!

Summer is rapidly coming to an end. I have two more days left and then I am heading back to the hill where my life begins again. I have had what seems to be a break from reality; 3 months of recooperating. I am dying to be social again. I am ready to get back to being myself. Just thinking about life back at Jewell and picking up objects and placing them into my suitcase brings such a relief to my soul. Seriously, you have no idea. Everyone has their college experiences--some love it and some don't. I am in love with this time in my life. Infact, I don't want to graduate.

Today I played in the street. My feet have a strip of black lingering on the calloused bottom. My feet have gotten out of control this summer. I am afraid to take them to a pedicure place. Surely there are boundaries to foot funk that can be tolerated or something. I will be left sitting and wondering why the asian lady ran out of the building screaming for life.

I played piano with mom today. She dusted off her flute. She hasn't touched that flute in the longest time. And I haven't been the best about spending my time expressing on the piano. So it was good for the both of us. It's something I capture in my mind so I will always remember. We used to play together when I lived on that piano bench. Refreshing.

Today's activities also included a much needed trip to Wal-Mart where my debit card got cleaned up a little bit. I realized there were a lot of things needed for my life at school.....a lot of cooking/cleaning stuff....stuff that I don't really know anything about. And I was without my mom, so I made executive decisions on things like sauce pans, perring knives, and strainers: the cheapest wins. Still, add the cheapest of everything, you still get a hefty Wal-Mart spending headache afterwards. Yet...accomplishment. Liz feels like an adult.

And it's scary.

I also watched my niece trace cursive on her homework worksheet. Today was her first day of school. I remember that feeling......new clothes, the sound of the school bus brakes, the return of an early bedtime, and cookies and milk when I got home on the first day.

It makes me want to go put on my backpack.

Do you realize there are the people that are always too cool for backpacks that actually go on your back? What is up with the side strap students?

Too cool for school is what I think.

I have this hidden fear of my laptop crashing and losing my life, I mean, all my pictures, music, and school work. So I (I mean my dad) got a 8 gb flash drive to save it all on. Whew, I feel better.

Now listening to: Waterdeep

Alright bloggers, goodnight. Adventures await us.

Never the Same

2008-08-16T15:07:00.000-07:00

My recent thoughts have been consumed with words like: "Gluten-free," "buckwheat," "arrowroot," and "millet," and I have found myself reading cookbooks about cooking with allergies. I am educated. I am informed. Ask me any question.

Today marks my tenth day without Gluten (wheat, flour, aka everything). I am on my way to good health and learning much on the way:

In honor of my 21st birthday in a few months, I cannot drink beer. It is made of barley, Gluten. So in doing my research, I have found Redbridge, the only Gluten-free beer. I CAN have tequila, wine, and hard liquor. Whoa.

I cannot cheat. For kicks, I sampled a corner of a strawberry Pop-Tart last night. Not even 10 minutes later, I had myself a headache, stomachache, and felt like my body was going to all apart. Darn it.

I don't lose weight. It's glued on.

Along with this elimination let's not forget the other ingredients I cannot consume:

Dairy
Eggs
Soy
Corn

This presents a beautiful frustration when preparing for college in a week. How, oh how in the world, am I going to survive without my mom? How am I going to be a college student while avoiding coffee, desserts, beer, and (insert junk food name here)? Somehow I will manage. I know that. And in all honesty, I know this is insane, I have been okay. Self-control has kicked in and my taste-buds have changed so much that I am adapting to this new flavor, Gluten-free.

I remember the kids in school....the special ones that got the special snacks. The kid who couldn't eat sugar. The one who had to drink soy milk, gross. And the kid who couldn't eat the cookies. I always looked at Lactose-intoleranters and thought, "I would DIE if I couldn't eat ice cream."

I AM THAT KID.

Lord have mercy, my life will never be the same.

This is going to be fun..... *laughs*

Beautiful Surrender

2008-08-06T18:58:00.000-07:00

Currently Listening: Jason Upton
Currently Reading: The Shack, Colossians
Currently Eating: Gluten-Free Food
Currently Feeling: Loved

If anything, this summer has stripped all pride away from my identity. I have been humbled: by people, by circumstance, by God showing Himself faithful despite my doubt. And for this I am so thankful. There is nothing left of me. I have nothing to prove to you. I am not stupid enough to continue being something I am not. I am stripped and broken; naked and cleaned. Right before God.

It's beautiful.

Surrender has loosened my chains.

Love has brought warmth and light.

Peace has calmed my storm.

And "in him all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17).

I am seeking hard after that truth. My heart is running forward with wreckless abandon. My past has no grip on me. My future needs no worry to be complete. I live and breathe in His consuming passion...to grap hold of the prize. To finish the race.

And run it to win it.

A Rich Life

2008-08-01T15:33:00.000-07:00

I am in a wonderful moment where things seem to be lined up. Some spiritual. Some utterly materialistic. Let me explain.

Today I dropped the most worthy $100 at Gap Outlet. My once a year, tax-free wardrobe. Another satisfied customer.

I dread first impressions. You may not think that a loud person would be self-concious in social settings as these, but I hate them. The whole time you are talking to me I am thinking about how obnoxious and overly friendly I have been. I seriously have to tone myself down in exciting, new situations, because I am afraid my presence is too overwhelming for the other party. You could imagine the worry that went into meeting my freshman roommate. Lord have mercy that's a funny one. The reason I bring this up is also to state that first impressions are 99.9% wrong in my life. And at the moment I am convicted of some judgements I have made on a particular person that was put in my path and later really blessed me. We are all learning, aren't we.

What is with being in the sun and feeling absolutely alive? The invigorating feeling of sun, sweating, and freckles. The smell of sunscreen. It makes me really happy.

Right now I have a satisfied stomach. Not hungry, not bloaded or full. Why can't I eat like this all the time?

I have the perfect music for the moment. This is right. Just right.

I have found an engaging book. I would like to read it all today just to show you how much I like it. This is monumental because I have been searching from genre to genre, trying to find one that I can pick up and actually finish.

Velvet Elvis, I am a firm believer.

Yesterday I visited one of my favorite places on Earth: Grand River Chapel at William Jewell. I was there with one of my favorite people, playing on my favorite piano. It was the happiest I had been in a very long time. I laughed a lot. From my belly. Pure joy.

I am realizing the beauty and vibrance of life, freedom, faith, and relationships. Somehow they all play together to create a unique experience I get to have on this Earth. Today I breathe deep. I take the color in. I feel the warmth of the sun. I experience the love of people. The grace of God.

I recognize the presence of a God, that has been there since the beginning.

I can finally see Him.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I am free at last.

A New Card!

2008-07-30T19:34:00.001-07:00

Currently listening to: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Soundtrack

Today I went to the public library here in Blue Springs for the first time in ages. My library card was too outdated to check out. I wondered if the yellow-stain look was the manifestation of age. So I got a new card. It looks really nice. They even have one I can hook onto my keychain.

My mom makes journals and cards. She's quite the craftswoman. Well it's back-t0-school time and Office Depot is having a sale on the composition books that she transforms into works of art. Instead of $1.00, they are 30 cents. So right now I am staring at a pile of *counting....* 65 composition books laying on the table. You can only buy 5 at a time. So we have been taking family trips to Office Depot, each standing in line with arms full of composition books. It's a revolution.

I have been enjoying this Redbox movie thing. I am sure you will agree. Although tonight I made a wrong choice. It's one of those things that you will admit later that you knew it would be an awful movie......it was called "Martian Child" for goodness sakes. And it was just that, a movie about a kid that thought he was from Mars. The plot kind of sounds cute until you realize he goes the whole flippin movie thinking that until literally the last 5 minutes. Whoever recommended that movie to me is on drugs. That's my movie review.

I made an observation tonight. I enjoy strawberry licorice. The normal kind. I also enjoy the cherry bite size kind. But I DO NOT enjoy the cherry in the long version. It's gross. So how can I like the same food in a different shape/size? It's rocket science.

Summer's finally here

2008-07-27T19:41:00.000-07:00

Current music: Colbie Caillat

I have been really sick lately, stuck in bed. Today I got a sudden burst of summer/energy/spontaneity. What triggered this, I believe, is the BLT's that mom made for dinner. I enjoyed some iced tea with it. All I was missing was some juicy watermelon. Then it would have been the perfect summer meal. Do you have one of those meals? Like a good ol' backyard BBQ with potato salad, hot dogs, corn-on-the-cob, etc, that just makes you feel summer in your bones. Well today was one of those.

So following the meal I called up a few friends to pull a spontaneous drive around the lake nearby. No response. So I gathered my country CD and rocked it to the lake. Unfortunately, I couldn't do the windows down because of the 147% humidity or whatever it is here. I landed at my favorite spot at the lake which I vow never to go alone because of the isolate area. But I needed fresh air, alone time, and spontaneity quick so I toughed up and went.

This particular area is a dock where all the sail boats are stored. It's one of the very few places in Blue Springs that I have found that can make you feel like you are not actually in Blue Springs. Wonderful.

So after I dripped my face off, I enjoyed a good phone call with a very good friend of mine. Don't you love it when you are thinking about calling someone and at that very moment that person calls you first? Again, wonderful. This person is a dear friend of mine and I never cease to be a better Liz when I am finished talking with him.

I concluded the evening with watching "Designstar" with my mom. Now I don't normally enjoy television in the slightest bit. But the show was very intriguing. I forget how much I like watching HGTV. Lord have mercy that was awful to type. I will not read it over again for I might blush and delete.

It was also one of those days where I laughed a lot. Feels good.

Ha.

TMI (Too much information) Yes! let's be transparent.

2008-07-25T21:29:00.001-07:00

It has been an interesting night. One of those that I am pissed. Have absolutely no reason to be.

Let me give justification a shot:

1. I forgot a friend's birthday and am frantically trying to be creative with her gift. It's not working.

2. My computer is not cooperating. I tell it to do one thing, it does another.

3. I cannot find music on my iTunes that fits my mood.

4. I went to Wal-Mart and bought $40 of items that are unecessary to my everyday life. I am depressed with buyer's remorse.

-None of these reasons are convincing-

5. Well lastly, and most importantly, (I can't believe I am writing this) PMS.

Bingo.
ThE eND.

I guess things could be worse.

So long Mountains

2008-07-20T15:03:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Rosie Thomas, Much Farther to Go
Chewing: Juicy Fruit Gum

I am writing to you from home; good ol' Blue Springs won me back. I arrived home yesterday from Colorado in order to somehow get this sick body to a manageable level of health. Ever since I have been out there, I have been fighting to keep my body at homeostasis. The past few days I have not been able to jump back. I surrendered and came home. Lord have mercy, not this again. I go in tomorrow for bloodwork. Hopefully the activities of the week do not include the hospital. I don't want to do that again.

So my life for awhile is going to consist of reflecting on my Colorado experience. I sincerely miss the people, the mountains, and the unique opportunity I had there.

Bittersweet.

My life will also consist of sharing my questions with you all. It's not uncommon to ask, "Why?" in a situaton like this. But as I look around, the question rings louder and louder in order to put to rest this curiousity and doubt. I have wrestled with the idea of sickness, healing, and the Bible. I have seen inconsistency between my body and the word of God. Where is my strong faith in such a desperate situation? I am not as strong as I thought I once was. Then when I take my eyes off of myself, I look around and see so much suffering; sickness. No worries, my anger has already subsided. But my heart still seeks answers. Peace. When will my curiousity be quenched?

In this battle my character grows. My faith stretches. My heart rides on the cycle of brokenness....where only at the cross I am found.

Waiting

2008-06-25T14:47:00.000-07:00

Current mood: discontent
Listening to: Mat Kearney
Currently doing: chewing gum
Thinking about: home
Wanting to talk to: Molly

I am just interesting right now. It's been a month here in the mountains. And today I am wondering when it's going to feel right.....feel clear......start making sense of why I am out here. I am not really sure what the "theme" or growth God has in store. I have been getting sick over and over again. I thought this was over. This leaves me with a lot of uncertainty and a great need of faith. I am enjoying it. But I find myself caught in thought of all the other things I would rather me doing right now....like getting tan......driving a car......eating food that doesn't make me sick.....being with my family.......relaxing and not working.

Spiritually I am not where I thought I'd be. You'd figure God would be popping out of everywhere here in the high altitude; closer to the sky. But just like in good ol' Missouri, you must seek Him in order to find Him. I have just found myself lazy and in need of discipline...in more areas than one. When am I going to begin pressing in?

Maybe it's an experience that you appreciate after it's over. Maybe I will look back and see all the growth and evidence of God molding me. Maybe I will look back and see all the great relationships that developed.

A lot of my friends are in relationships....getting engaged......etc. I feel surrounded. This has never given me a sense of insecurity, but I think I have been caught doubting in this area. Surely. Surely it will come.

After writing some of this I realize that all I really need is a great conversation with a friend. A lot going through my mind.

I might go do that. I am not feeling creative to write.

In the meantime....miss you.

Love.

In high altitude, take a breath.

2008-06-01T18:06:00.000-07:00

For the next few months I will be residing 9,000 feet up in the rocky mountains on a mountain called Horn Peak. The sun is strong, the air pure, oxygen limited. It's rocky. Watch out when you walk, it's easy to sprain your ankle. I have my first sunburn and scratched-covered arms and legs from being a handy Colorado woman. I have been building campfires, making benches out of the cut down trees, moving brush. I have converted to Chaco's, t-shirt and jeans, and a bulky watch on my wrist, along with a burned peice of rope for a bracelet. I am Colorado. It's beatiful. It's free. It's simple.

Life is simple.

I have enjoyed not checking my E-mail 10 times a day. Limited communication has been refreshing. Although today curiousity began to stir in wondering what is going on beyond this mountain. Life here has settled and I have begun to think about my friends at home and wanting to make a connection again. So I thought I would take some time to invest in some decent blog updating, Facebook checking, junk E-mail deleting, etc. I don't miss the world. The pine trees, singing birds, and extreme lack of humidity is glorious. God just seems closer in the mountains.

So today I led worship for the first time, a big dream of mine. Yesterday was full of doubt and fear. Today I woke up confident in my Lord and the purpose that He has placed in my life. It went beautifully. I laughed. Smiled. Sang my heart out. Had fun.

Today I hiked up a mountain and ran through a rushing creek barefoot. It was cold. So much that my screams resembled that of a woman in labor. It hurt. But the spontaneity felt good.

In contacting my parents today via telephone, I mentioned to them the idea that I would love to live here.....

Life could be taking a turn.....

Expecting the Unexpected

2008-05-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

Currently setting the mood with: Elizabethtown Soundtrack

The more I live, the more adventure I find. I am learning to be ok with not knowing where my next step will lead me. Or why it's there?

"My bags are packed" I guess you could say and "I am leaving on a jet plane" very soon. A day. I have commited a summer to the high mountains of Colorado where I will bask in the glory of God's creation. I will meet new people and experience a time of simple living. Of serving. Of purely loving. And I am excited, particularly because I don't know what's going to happen. i am ready to learn what God has to teach me.

I write this blog simply to take a deep breath....

*BREATH*

And proclaim that I am ready for my next......

Some wild rice

2008-05-18T19:10:00.000-07:00

It's 9:00 p.m. and I am thinking about going to bed. So I thought I would take this rare occasion to capture the current state of mind of the Lizinator (thanks Becca). Because considering it's 9:00 p.m. on a nice summer night, there has to be something weird going on inside of me. I will investigate this with you.

Today I felt like a mom. I wanted exercise + to be outside = let's go for a walk. By myself. This part is fine. But at a glance I think my new haircut can look like a mom in her thirties...the short flippy-ish hair. And I didn't have an iPod to look like I was on a serious venture for burnt calories. I just went on a casual spin. But I don't like my neighborhood. Do you know how many teenagers drove by me? It reminded me of high school and I suddenly realized that I was pissed, not enjoying my rejuvenating movement. I thought, "Oh my goodness, these kids I graduated with are going to think I am an overweight drop-out walking around the neighborhood while they speed off with their evening plans." While on my walk, I also reminded myself of the fact that I do not want to be old. Or overweight. Neither one of those look good on women. But by the mothers I saw on my walk, it's the way things fall into place? Figuratively speaking of course.

I then came home and sat on the couch with my parents. They read the paper. I read a book. Please stop being jealous of my rambunctious party life.

So my new favorite food is the sweet potato.

I read 90 pages in a book today. Tim Keel's Intuitive Leadership. I never read books. But I think the book caught me in a contemplative, receptive, studious mindset. Lucky thing.

God's been really good to me lately. I had the chance of being diagnosed with sickness, but God spared me. I am taking this second chance at health to conquer and rock at it. And in the midst of some crappy circumstances, I have been in tune with God more clearly than ever before. I guess you could say I am pretty sold out on the guy.

Here's to an early night.

Hidden Veins.

2008-05-05T17:18:00.000-07:00

My thoughts right now are as follows:

The doctor is putting me on steroids. How should I react to this? I just read a book where the guy taking it for the same reasons had hallucinations.....next time you see me I might look like Hulk Hogan.

Hospitals are awkward. There's nothing pleasant about a gown, moaning patients in the room next to yours, having hidden veins so the nurse has to poke you 45 times, hospital food, nurses that don't speak English, having to drink foreign liquids so that your intestines can glow for the x-ray. Everyone in the Emergency room suffers from "pitty eye syndrome." I have made this diagnosis. Everyone that comes in is convinced they are dying. They come in with an exaggerated limp or groan. They want to convince the nurse at the front desk that they are the one that needs the most urgent care. The patients all sit there, moping in their problems, staring at each other, figuring out what everyone else is there for, giving them the "pity eye," that he or she is far more in danger than the other. And the verdict is announced when the nurse comes to collect a patient. Since the ER goes in order of emergency, the boy with the gushing blood running from his forehead gets to go before the girl with the soar throat. Who knew.

The poor nurses that tried to insert my IV must have hated me. Because I have the worst IV veins ever. I am convinced that upon arrival at the hospital, they get scared and bury themselves as far away from my skin as possible. And they shrink to the size of thread so that they have to bring in 4 different people to try to do it. In the end, I get a few blown out veins and a bruise.

I have spent enough time in the hospital this weekend to make the funniest observations. I should write a book.

In the midst of a very frustrating situation, I am learning to take joy. I know that the Lord has His hand upon me and will continue to provide all my needs according to His riches and glory.

He has never broken his promises. And I know He won't this time.

Like a Machine

2008-04-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

I am a machine.

Let me explain....

I have been franticly writing application, typing papers, studying subjects that I have devoted four years of my life to. I haven't stopped. I sit here, eyes glued to the laptop, earphones in, iTunes pumpin, and only move to charge the battery on my laptop because it's been 4 hours.

This is my break: blogging, graham crackers, and Daphne Loves Derby. Yes! Saturday night!

Yesterday I decided to spend my summer in Westcliffe, Colorado, on top of a mountain. I will be a "programmer." Important sounding. Well I am excited. It was a spontaneous but peace-felt decision. Ok I leave for Honduras 2 days after schools over. 3 days after that, I leave for Colorado. I will get back and come back to school a week later. Rock on. I'm livin' it.

If you care, now I am eating chocolate chips and enjoying the music of Kelly Clarkson.

And I am tired. I might be going crazy. This is what college does to you.

My hand just got stuck in the bag of chocolate chips.

On the floor

2008-04-23T21:30:00.000-07:00

Straight up. There's a lot we don't understand.

the death of unborn babies
suicide
anorexia
depression
poverty
pain
suffering

I find myself confused, frustrated, moved by the hurt I see. I cry and weep for the unfair circumstances. I feel determined yet helpless at the great need that lies around me. And for so long, for such a time, I was blind to it. I didn't care. I hid my eyes from the despair. And for those who still find themselves gazing into only the reflection of their ignorance and selfishness, my heart....hurts.

Open our eyes.

And when I am alone, filling the floor with my tears, hearing my heart moved with compassion and mercy, I realize that it's His love that is working in me. This need I see....this pain I feel....this love I feel for them....it's His love that is manifesting in me. Maybe I understand His love. Maybe, after time and time again, living in my selfishness, I have stopped and finally....received His love. Here I am. I get it.

Love.

In it....I find peace. And in it I overflow.

Endorphins

2008-04-11T20:47:00.001-07:00

What is it about endorphins? What makes going for a run or kissing a boy so refreshing? I know when I am stressed I can do either one of those things and be great. (The boy thing-KIDDING.)

Tonight I found myself indifferent. Nothing, absolutely nothing, sounded good. No food (well I did get a sudden craving for Mexican....), person, or place felt right. I wanted to go out but was too exhausted. I wanted to hang out in the dorm but all I can think about here is the homework I should be doing right now. It's like a restless night of sleep; I just can't get comfortable. I roamed around a little bit....found myself in the cafeteria eating beans and rice and then in the chapel releasing my soul on the piano. Then I watched a movie. Notting Hill to be exact. This was a successful decision. Then I went for a run, aka enjoyed my endorphin rush. Now I am engaging in some major procrastination telling you about my most uneventful Friday night.

2 weeks of classes + finals until summer. All I want to do is lay by a pool and gain my summer freckles. I miss them. Well what I really want is to do NOTHING. College life is insane. Wait, let me rephrase, William Jewell college life is insane. I don't know what it is....whether it's the unhealthily high GPA's shoved in your face or the massive amount of homework the Spanish department gives you, or the screaming residents on your hall the night before. College life here is like 10 years of life and things to do jammed into a 4 year period. I am halfway done.

I have never been to New York. But right now, I think I am in the mood for New York.

That reminds me of one of my favorite songs:

"Live in New York City once but leave before it makes you hard. Live in northern California once but leave before it makes you soft." -Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen

I am going to sit here listening to Brett Dennon and staring at a Spanish paper over immigration while soaking up the number of released endorphins rushing through my body. I feel better. I have written this blog, and I feel better.

Night.

The Sound of White

2008-04-04T16:53:00.000-07:00

Forgive me for the long lapse in blogs. I know you have been wondering about me. Excuse me while I tweak my iTunes to play a song of my choice....

Internal Dialogue:
"What fits the mood? Not Hanson...or Josh Groban....or John Mayer....no Brett Dennen for the moment. Got it! Jessica Andrews, oldschool, 'Helplessely, Hopelessly.' Good tune. Set."

My latest:

-4 weeks until I am completed with my second year of college. I am pretty numbed by it.
-We put my dog to sleep last week. RIP Emma Rose.
-Am currently figuring out my life, aka where I will work this summer, and what country I want to live for 4 months of my life (study abroad).
-Am leaving for Honduras in 30 days and have my whole trip paid for.
-Bought a new phone today.
-Am going to a formal tonight, downtown, with my beautiful friends. DANCE DANCE.

Now listening to: Stupid Boy by Keith Urban

My randomness:

-I want to cut my hair like a boy.
-Feel like living in a big city right now.
-Want coffee.
-Rather be in a make believe world where things happen the way you want them.

Referring to the comment above, I have realized that I, along with probably the rest of human kind, have created a world in my head for myself; the way I wish things would happen. Infact, it looks very similar to a movie: you run off with your first love, away from expectations and realities, away from consequences and opinions, in freedom, perfection, happily ever after. So I sit and think, do I stop this nonsense; dreaming? What do you do when your heart and head speak two different languages and fail to communicate?

.they leave you with the sound of white.

Chicago by Meg Allison
The Sound of White by Missy Higgins

Keep on keepin' on.

Beautiful

2008-02-23T19:11:00.000-08:00

A different me.

Looking in the mirror, I see a different person than I saw in August. New experiences and friendships, different ideas and beliefs. I have been shaken, I have been refined. I have been shown a world that had been so restricted before. And for once, I feel free. I feel alive.

You know, there hasn't been a significant event that has brought me here. It is because of the teamwork of so many experiences and people and the grace of God that I can smile in the midst of such uncertainty; it's beautiful. It's like everything knew exactly what do to in order to make such a product like me. It's truly divine.

Where do I go from here?

I am ok with not knowing.

2 arms and 2 legs still

2008-01-14T14:09:00.000-08:00

Many lessons can be learned stranded in the Florida Everglades for 15 days with your life stored away in a canoe and faced with the stench of 11 other people who just like you, have been shower free and growing mildew on every part of clothing and body part.

I am back. Whole.

I have found myself laughing at the most unlikely moments, both during my experience and reflecting on it. For instance, laughter was my reaction to the knee-high mud that we trucked through one steaming afternoon, “examining the wildlife that exists within the bottom of the ocean.” We could only discover these creatures at the point of low tide, in which we plowed into the mud, only to find it very similar to the feeling of quick sand. As I said, much laughter followed.

Awkward laughter existed the first time I had to hang my rear over the side of the canoe to pee, while holding onto dear life, that I would not fall into the creature filled water below.

Nervous laughter thrived in the discovery of our home for one evening: a shark-filled cove where little sharks liked to bump into the sides of our canoes.

Delirious laughter came on the tenth day when I could no longer smell my stench and the reality of what I was doing started to bring insanity. As we crossed the Gulf of Mexico on day ten, I said to my fellow teammates: “I am going to roll off this canoe, but don’t save me. I am going to drift away to Cuba, meet my husband, and raise 11 kids.”

I was gone.

I canoed 90+ miles, pooped in a bucket named “Juan,” ate more tortillas than what seems humanly possible, slept on boarded canoes, and learned what my body really smells like under pressure.I enjoyed roughly two pairs of clothes, endured sun-burned hands, handled hair that hadn’t experienced any form of soap for 14 days, and didn’t hear a cell phone ring, let alone any form of contact with the world.

I will proudly categorize all of the above as “fun.” Not your normal kind of fun, but a challenging and insightful experience. I enjoyed the people and scenery that surrounded me. You haven’t seen the stars until you’ve seen them in the Florida Everglades. You can’t say you have gone camping until you have camped like this.

I am now: cultured.

It will take awhile. Take awhile to be comfortable with the feeling of cleanliness and technology; for my back to adjust to a soft mattress. A part of me is reluctant to conform back to the ways of society. Everything was simple on that canoe.

And possibly I will find a way to keep that here, to not let go of the simplicity.

It will be hard, but I will fight for it.

Christmas day and stocking redemption

2007-12-25T17:16:00.001-08:00

Today is the day. 2 months of "Jingle Bells" and "Christmas Shoes" on every radio station has brought us to this day. We have become so anxious for the holiday that we begin overlapping Halloween with it. We begin Christmas music on the night millions of children go trick-or-treating. Americans can't miss a beat.

Christmas. It's the day you accomplish the day's goals in less than an hour. You eat some sort of big meal and open gifts. The rest of the day consists of eating, napping, T.V. watching, and eating more. The food seems to stay out on the counter all day. You take so many naps, but still remain tired enough to fall asleep at any commercial. You keep on eating, with no hint of satisfaction. Too many sweets. To be honest, Christmas is really boring. There's like this unerlining rule that you can't do anything or go anywhere on Christmas day. You sit around your family with the occasion fiddling with the gifts you got that year. There are so many movies on T.V. that you can watch 24 hours of the Christmas Story. Or end up switching channels so much you realize however many years it's been on T.V., you haven't even seen it all the way through.

What's with movies like that? My dad is infatuated with the Godfather. He's italian so he finds pride in it. Every time he sits to watch it on T.V. he has to rediscover the characters and plot because he has never sat and watched the movies all the way through.

I do have a confession. My previous blog complained about stockings and my mother's decision to abolish them except for the grandchildren. Well. I woke up this morning with a filled stocking, along with my other 20-30 year-old siblings. I guess my comment of "Don't I get a Christmas, too" really got to her. So I enjoyed pulling out deoderant, toothpaste, and lufas out of my stocking this morning.

Minty fresh.

Now if you don't mind, I am going to go play Scrabble, watch some part of a movie, and eat until I explode.

Merry Christmas.

Broken, no stockings, and Josh Groban

2007-12-23T20:56:00.000-08:00

This situation has worn itself out. Now, there's nothing left to make of it. I am left picking up the pieces of my dignity, wherever they may lie. If only letting go was as easy as it sounded, a lot would have been fixed by now. But perhaps the situation will keep arising until I deal with it. What a novel idea. Hmph.

Something happened today. Or rather, a feeling has flooded me. I am still not sure what it is. Tonight I am found kind of, well, broken I guess. I have never felt so stuck in a place where there is so little value given to my being. I was crushed, then pushed aside, used. And I know you don't know what I am talking about, and that is ok, maybe you can find some way to understand.

I am done with it. Lord, teach me how to move on.

Selah.

_________________________________________

Up there it sounded like I was throwing up on you, in a delicate way. Now to what I am doing right now: sitting with my hood on my head. Why I don't know. And Damien Rice's "Cannonball" has won to create the atmosphere. Mom is wrapping Christmas gifts in the other room, the rest of my household: asleep.

Thoughts on Christmas: It has become for the grandchildren. I feel bad because I am going to sound like a jealous aunt. But I am the youngest, let me complain. Sometime in the past few years, my siblings and I passed the years of gifts and magic. It began with the doing away of gifts, and the replacement of cards and cash. Which isn't that bad. But this year it went to the extreme of stockings going down strictly to the grandchildren, stockings. What's wrong with stockings? Except that they are filled with junk you end up throwing away anway. Ok, I get it, but still. Also my older sister and her husband are at his family's Christmas. The first Christmas without a sibling. Weird. More changes in life, this better slow down.

I find it interesting that lately it has become harder and harder to find music to fit my perfect mood. You know what I mean: browsing, no desperately searching rather, iTunes for music that fits the moment and will create a perfect atmosphere to your thoughts and feelings. The last 15 minutes have been difficult. I have gone from Damien Rice to well, I don't know who this is, then Dashboard.

The days I listen to Josh Groban are the most interesting. Because it's not that I am in a romantic mood necessarily when I do, although his voice is absolutely gorgeous, but it is soothing, and yet at the same time, stimulating. You listen to Josh Groban on days of precipitation. Snow and rain create the perfect invitation for Josh's tenorness to serenade my soul. I liked the way that sounded.

I will leave it at that.

It begins.

2007-12-22T11:39:00.000-08:00

Hit the background music. Get comfortable. It's time to blog.

What does one say on a first blog? And what kind of word is blog anyway? It sounds like a bad word. Kind of like cod. Why would you want to eat cod? The name should make you nauseous.

There is an overwhelming sense of belonging as I enter into yet another community. Xanga, MySpace, Facebook, they have done me well. But it's time for the "The Blog." The real thing. At the same time, loneliness leaves me waiting for some sort of "WELCOME TO YOUR NEW ADDICTION" banner to pop up or confetti to explode out of the monitor. Although I am sure that when I am done here, I will find an E-mail labeled "Blog support" in my inbox, welcoming me into the blogger.com fam.

I wonder if anyone will ever know I am on here? Or read this nonetheless, but I am anxious to see how I unfold. Yes, how I unfold. The question of self-disclosure bewilders my mind: "How much do I expose myself on here?" Will I be a daily blogger, baring my soul through the keys? Will I give you a weekly update of what has happened in my life? Or will I simply put my thoughts out there in cyberspace, with the millions of other bloggers who are somehow searching for words as well?

I will leave this question unanswered for the time being. Right now, this is my nook; where my traveling thoughts and ponderings will find their way onto paper, God willing. And I, being determined as I am, am going to search for words, words that can deliver atleast a glimpse of what I mean to express. This is a challenge, you see. It has become my life's adventure to figure out how to wrap my mind around my thoughts, reflections, questions and make them tangible.

So I will call myself La Buscadora, the seeker, on the search for words.